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stuck with the wrong gender

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stuck with the wrong gender

Postby createmeover » Tue Jan 21, 2020 2:05 pm

ever since i was 1 i have memories of identifying with the oposite gender and knowing it was 'wrong' 'bad' that i shouldnt do or feel any of the things that i naturally did. at first it was just the gender but i have memories of sexual inclination from when i was 2. and then i have huge amount of sexual memories from when i was 4 towards the same gender. i thought of me as the oposite gender but since i was 4 i have several traumas of life events social and from family trying to correct me to behave correctly and even they tried to make me 'feel' the apropriate emotions which really shattered my sense of self. when i got to elementary school i already knew i was living with the wrong genderbut i just felt so immensely miserable ashamed depressed and in denial. i couldn't accept it. it ment i would have to live a whole life completly miserable and alone because i live in a very homophobic country. the first two years werent that bad at school but it started gettin worse as we all learned gender roles and everyone started identifying through them and aspiring/loving their gender. all plays, activities or anything was divided by gender roles. you are.. your age and your gender.. where i live thats who you are. i tried to become one of them. at least for the time i was forced to be with them. for a good while i tried to repress everything wrong with me and become really normal person but a side of me was so immensely miserable and deseprate for help. every second of everyday if i wasnt haveing a panic attack i was expecting someone to drop from somewhere and tell me it was all a nightmare or just say it was okay to feel that way and i could be myself now. however all i got were bullying teachers and children. thankfully i knew how to put on a fake image early on so i didnt get that much bullying from this. 5 and 6 grade were a nightmare and i was mostly alone in breaks 7 grande on was better but i kept pretending and pretending everyday of my life havin to put up with girl/boy stuff constaantly. even in high school. then university. now everyones married and with children and i've been holding on to life but i'm so tired of pretending. i don't have a job i don't have family i don't have a romantic partner i dont have friends.. i spend my days wishing i had never been born. i have no future. i will never have a family of my own. i am 30 now and never worked nor do i have a degree in something that allows me to have a stable job. i will die alone. i feel so lonely all the time because i was always such a dependant person who craved social interaction so much. i crave romance like food. my goal has always been tofind love. my life is a joke i've been pretending since forever. living a dead life. i have no future. i need to die
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Re: stuck with the wrong gender

Postby Snaga » Wed Jan 22, 2020 8:12 am

Hello and welcome!

In sorry you've been struggling. I know for many, gender dysphoria can feel crippling.

I know you feel hopeless, but thirty is not so late in life that you can't hope for a better future. Circumstances change. I hope that the doors will open that allow you to be more true to yourself. Perhaps working towards a goal of being able to be somewhere, where you can be more easily accepted for who you are...
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Re: stuck with the wrong gender

Postby Izza » Wed Jan 29, 2020 1:23 pm

Hi, createmeover.

What you've described has big similarities to my own life up to and well beyond your age, until I began transition at the ripe old age of 43.

Is transition a route you'd like to take? I'm sorry if that sounds like a stupid question after reading your post, but the answer has to come from you.
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Re: stuck with the wrong gender

Postby Snaga » Wed Jan 29, 2020 11:49 pm

And not one to take lightly. At the risk of speaking heresy, I think a person should have a very serious case of gender dysphoria, as verified through a professional, before embarking on transitioning. I know that I myself, while I could wish to be the other sex, don't in fact have that kind of dysphoria that I have in mind. I see a lot of folks over in the OCD forum that are gripped by a fear of being trans, and while they're obviously not transgender, still I think it's become almost a fashion these days- one that could snap up folks who simply don't seem or feel very gender-normative (I would place myself in that camp) and make them feel almost as if they have to, or if one-size-fits-all reasons/theories behind why someone is unhappy with their birth sex, works for all people, which I think does not. I think it's one of the most important decisions a person could possibly make and shouldn't be taken lightly.

All of which is to agree with Izza- the decision has to come from you, the decision is one that has to feel very 'right' and you have decided that you simply could not have a life with meaning, without it. There are many who have regretted transitioning. There's also people I know from these forums, that are immeasurably happier for having begun their transition- they're like a completely different person! The hard part, is discerning what's right for you.
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Re: stuck with the wrong gender

Postby Izza » Thu Jan 30, 2020 10:24 am

The tiny number of de-transitioners shouldn't detract from the fact that transitioning undoubtedly saves lives and prevention of transition is a proven killer. It's not an easy road for anyone to go down. I think the concept of people transitioning as part of some fashion is largely a terf propagated myth. Yes, there will be those who look into it for such reasons, but I'm sure very few will put themselves through the hoops and trials. A few might slip through the various nets, but nowhere near enough to outweigh the lives that stand to be saved by access to transition.

Yes, it's not one-size-fits-all. Every person who looks down this road will have a different story. Like the OP, I knew who I was from a very early age. Some people won't experience dysphoria until much later in life. Every case has to be treated individually. That can't be stressed enough. The trans community has a number of derogatory terms for people who try to 'gatekeep' transition that are as unhelpful as who they're aimed at. Nobody wants anyone to make a huge irreversible mistake that they'll regret for life.

Nobody but the individual concerned can truthfully decide whether transition is the right path for them. I can't sit here and say "I know what that's like. You've got to transition". Nor can I decide someone is unworthy of transition on the basis of a lack of, or the wrong type, of dysphoria. I can answer any question, but not in a way that universally represents the official opinion of all trans people. We're all different, and we all have to find our own way with whatever knowledge we have available.

What people need when looking down this road is to be heard without judgement, first and foremost. That can be a life saver too.
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