Coping with Opposite Gender Urges

I recently discovered I probably have DID. Not been to a therapist yet.

From what I remember of my childhood, I’d have thoughts or urges of being a boy. I’d have to hide them and the wordt part was, I’d be so worried someone would find out.

Have any of you felt the same? How did you cope? Also just wanted some sense that I’m not alone.

Hello and welcome to to GID. One of the quieter forums, I'm afraid- although I hope someone else familiar with DID will chime in.

I... don't have any Dx and I don't dogmatically claim anything for myself, feeling as if I make the whole thing up- but my thought- suspicion or fancy, take your pick- is that we might be OSDD, probably 1b. I've read that OSDD-1b can often actually be misdiagnosed DID, but I won't be so presumptuous to claim having that- I am comfortable enough saying I might be OSDD however, without making a total mockery of the folks in the DID forum. Since I worry about this being an affectation, I rarely let my main alt out to post in forum- something she resents, but we're a top mod and we're not going to mess around with things we have no official Dx of- most of my disorders that I do claim are pretty obvious and I'll stand by them in the absence of a Dx, but DID/OSDD isn't one of them I feel as if I can do that, with. Which, again, I hear is a pretty common feeling- the feeling you're making it all up... so who can say?

(switching to the corporate us) We are disassociative in some fashion and to some degree, and we do seem to have parts, in any event. Most of us are lesser defined, they seem to ride off two 'main' personalities- one the host's sex (male) and one the opposite sex. The total count- surprise surprise- is an even mix of male and female personalities.. two of us 'frontable', the others seem more like alts of alts, so to speak- to make a total of three male, three female. While the main is male, the 'alts' are more well defined on the female side than the two male alts off the main. Which evens the game out we think.

(I'll set the 'we's out of the way for the moment and stick to 'I'- which is the 'host',)

Okay so that's my background.

As a child, I don't recall (again, if I had DID, would this iteration of me recall?) urges to be a girl. I really didn't think about being a boy, either- I knew I was a boy because I had the body of a boy, full stop. Observation and reason. Now, did I act like a boy? In some ways, sure, but I wasn't 'all boy', either.

I really didn't think strongly about being a girl until later on. But I do exhibit a lot of feminine gender traits- the Y chromosome is most obviously present in a lot of my behaviors- I'm especially good at pissing cisgirls off and be absolutely befuddled as to what the bloody hell I'd done- a very male trait- but a lot of self-tests I'll come out just a little more male than female, or test out as frankly female.

I can't relate to really thinking about it hard as a child, or having urges to be other than what the body is, until I hit adolescence. That's when it started to kick in. In my late.... 20s/early 30s? If I'd been in a position to seriously think about transitioning? Naturally I didn't share that freely with folks- so I hid it, of course. ('In the position' would have required several thousand miles between me and family, at a minimum.) I feel as if that might have been the closest I would have come to seriously entertaining it, but it still never progressed beyond idle fancy. Ultimately I decided I was not trans- part of me wanted to be, if that makes any sense- but ultimately.. no. I haven't had a strong feeling of dysphoria that would overcome the objections against doing so. It's more like wishing I had a porsche instead of a toyota- if I could, I would- but I'm not going to simply die if I don't get the porsche, my mind tells me no matter how sad it makes me feel, I can live without the porsche.

Preference, strong preference that makes me sad it can never be- but stopping short of existential.

Now back to 'us': in the context of later (recent history) coming aware of 'others', it sort of makes sense. If there's a strong alt, but not quite in the DID sense- defined but not so separate that we have completely separate life history sets- it makes more sense that we'd want to be- maybe prefer- to have been the other sex, because it fits our overall personality maybe a little bit better than what we were doled out- but not enough to make us trans. Because it's not just 'one' personality involved.

I'm not sure if any of that is directly relateable- but maybe it makes you feel a little less 'alone'...

I'll add that oddly enough, even though that was the 'big picture'- while Sammie (the strongest alt aside from me) resents not having a body that fits her, she doesn't seek to try and do any 'makeovers'. In other words she knows we're male and while she definitely acts herself, she doesn't you know, try to put lipstick on a pig, to be blunt. We have zero desire to try and look like something we're not, because we'd look simply awful and what's the point?

ShinyPearl12 wrote:I recently discovered I probably have DID. Not been to a therapist yet.

From what I remember of my childhood, I’d have thoughts or urges of being a boy. I’d have to hide them and the wordt part was, I’d be so worried someone would find out.

Have any of you felt the same? How did you cope? Also just wanted some sense that I’m not alone.

Yes and when I talk about my childhood I say "when I was a boy" because I can only remember being a boy even though my equipment is female.

I don't know about male urges as a reality but I imagine my sexual urges to be male oriented.

I kind of like myself being this way even though I'm pretty certain I do unsettle some people.

I think when you're really something, you 'like' it, even if you don't. Because it's part of you, and you wouldn't change it, even when you're not happy with it... something I try to get across to people with TOCD and HOCD.