I sometimes wish i was a biological female

I have suffered from mental issues/illnessss in the past such as OCD, ADHD symptoms, some people think i'm autistic. My OCD has gotten better as i got older (it was awful when i was a kid), but instead i have noticed more and more issues with concentration.

Despite being intellectually gifted i have failed at most things in life
-never had a job, not motivated to get one.
-lost my virginity really late to a female i wasn't attractes to.
-almost no friends, no motivation to get new friends.
-i have spent more than a year trying to make money playing poker, so far i am only up 240$ which i view as a failure, before that i did some trading but i feel like a loser due to nit getting rich (made a small profit only).

When i was younger i was obsesset with videogames, technical stuff, etc. lately i have been moatly obsessed with ways to make money without having an ordinary job and i lost interests in games.

At the age 23 i started fantisizing about being female, i do not have any memories of autogynephilia before that but i do have memories about not being confortable with my sexual organs long before that. For some reason i became unconfortable with being nude around males from age 12 and since then not a single male has seen my naked body.

I noticed how females seamed to have it easier in general and later i started to envy their ability to make babies and breastfeed, made me feel inferior as a male.

I do not want to become a fake female (MTF) i am not even sure i would push a button to become biological female given the opportunity. I do like some aspects of my male body such as my dicksize, makes me feel good about myself and being male, if i had a normal sized penis i might have begun HRT by now due to feeling bad about my body and not being able to fix it.

I am not happy with my face, i am afraid it's becoming less attractive as i get older and i want to become loved.

I'm not sure my reply here will give you anything. I'll just share a thing that I saw all throughout your post. Basically in every sentence. The pain of hurt creativity. The need to create and not being able to. It is a primary need, one as important as breathing. And it has been hurt and silenced. With silenced creativity, there are actions, efforts, attempts, but they are sterile...