Gender Identity issues that I have kept hidden

This is but one of the problems or issues I have let fester for all my years and it just will not go away. I was born a male. This started at 4 when I was curious enough to wear my mom's dress just to see what it was like. I was caught and felt shame. Moving forward 6 years around 11 I began to more actively crossdress. Started wearing Mom's clothes. Something about women's clothing made me feel better and more comfortable. As the years went on by 15 to 16 felt like I did not like being male. Started to become asexual. Then I realized I got sexual feeling wearing clothing of the opposite sex. By 20 was buying my own clothing. I had periods where I gave it up but had periods where I could not put down crossdressing. Then this began I tried various times to grow my hair out. At first I just hated short hair then I wanted to emulate some male musicians but eventually I realized I wanted long hair like a girl. Sometimes the hair got messy and I had to cut it to look good other times cut it out of shame but lately nobody in the family likes it that the hair is big so I get it cut to look decent again. But I realized at least ten years ago that I am a gender bender, got screwed up somewhere along the line and that I can not let go of being way too feminine. Just do not feel right as a man. Maybe born the wrong gender. So I never told or reached out for help on this issues but that is my story. Find myself at 40 nearly 41. Time flew but look like I am 20.