I became the girl I wanted

When I was a child I had to go to speech therapy, nobody could understand me except my grandfather and this girl I hang around with

I have always felt really shy around girls, especially if I like them. I'm not a virgin as I had a couple of one night stands but they were fleeting and I was drunk, I count myself as a virgin, I have never had a chance to express my deep yearning to be with a woman, to explore them, it's like a hunger I can never fill and recently I am finding it harder and harder to deal with. I see no point in life whatsoever.


I fell into the arms of men... in some way to protect and love me.. I found I can love them but the deep yearning is not there, I feel no sexual attraction towards them.. yet I can find comfort in not being alone


I have ideas of running away where nobody knows me, reinventing myself.. it is such a lonely and scary thought, I feel too fragile to pull it off


A few years ago I started to dress and I put a lot of effort into looking as pretty as possible and being slim and small and with right looks I get away with it a bit but sometimes I am ashamed of myself because I feel I have tricked some men never being abe to love them like they want.

I have prayed for that attraction for men to be there so I could be happy but it just isn't and if I could be this girl who I am really not... in the process my mae character has become even thinner and some moments in such high confusion I could die.

I have no real hope anymore, I tried so much to connect with a girl online but somehow I always get rejected before having a chance to meet. I try to block out and cancel my attraction to women, everyday it comes back, I am not hungry anymore, I am starving and not just for sex, I want to love.

I know it will not happen. I am afraid there will be an afterlife and I would never have kissed a beautiful girl.

love shy. Feminine male virginish attracted to women but unable to establish a bond or maintain interest due to feeling intimidated by women because you feel you are undesirable to women and the way you express yourself sexually. You a love shy crip man.

Edit*- there is nothing wrong with love shyness and the way a person expresses themselves sexually and I mean crip as in crip theory and a word of empowerment and dating challenge does not equivalate to the term crip isn’t meant as derogatory and may very well not apply to you, I don’t know I just comb over things. My understanding is that it encompasses all levels of sexually challenged or uniqueness in that aspect. So in a way, are we all not crips? I do think everyone can find an accepting partner with chemistry in that aspect. My advice to you is to figure out what you want and sort through the confusion of you may never get what you want. There are comparable people for everyone and I would suggest opening up to a potential partner before getting too serious so they know your confusion so they get an idea of who you are before jumping into things. Maybe even someone that can remain a friend if it doesn’t pan out in the dating department. Again, apologies for what I said, it’s ok to feel the way you do, it’s probably more common than you think, and I meant crip as a term of empowerment although the term may not apply to you.

I need to stop getting high and getting on here.