ever since i was born, i felt in the wrong body

ever since i was born, i felt in the wrong body.
was born female, but everything about me as masculine (except my body)
i am straight, and have a beautiful boyfriend, so it ends up feeling like a gay man (haha)
my partner is very masculine (may be surprising) and very attractive, which triggers me all the time cause i always feel like i want to be like him...im always jealous.
its sick, and toxic, i know.
he is suffering so much, he doesnt know, he always feels left out cause i do not know how to address those feelings..i dont know if ill ever do.
its a 4 years relationship, and its constantly ruined by this.
i actually wrote a very well and detailed draft about my struggle but for some reason (?!) it got deleted, so this is very anecdotal..
i do not want to transition, but i dont see how anything is going to be better..
so, im destined to suffer,
forever.

man.
i can empathize with you.
i have what my husband and other men consider a beautiful body.
i hate it. some of my alters feel differently, but thats not what we're discussing.
my advice to myself has been this...
i chose to be in a committed relationship with the man i married, even though i have always believed i was a boy. i hate women, so i was very thankful i could at least spend my life with a man. 4 years is a long time. my husband and i have been together 14 years. i have decided...i have chosen to NOT BE SELFISH. i have chosen to put my relationship with him above my own desires. we also have children. so i have chosen to be a mother figure to them. i promised myself i would MODEL what it means to be a wife and mother. for them. i HATE IT. but it is not about me anymore. especially now with children involved. i feel confused and angry and hopeless at times. but i do not want to put my needs above my husband's or my children's. sometimes i wish my parents let me become a boy every time i begged them for help. they thought it was a phase. or i was a tomboy. but truthfully, i have persevered all these years and i am strong because of it. now i am glad my parents didnt give in to my pleas. however, i wish they had gotten me some serious therapy when i was a child so i could sort through my feelings and understand myself. i am always in limbo. but i feel in control because i chose to do what i believe is right. not what my feelings want. i chose. i decide to do the best with what i have. i choose every day to love my husband and children in ways that dont just include feelings. i choose to love them with my actions, even if it hurts me. i choose every day to present as a female and make the best of my situation. it hurts. but its a hurt that is now, worth my while. is your relationship with your boyfriend of 4 years more valuable to you than your masculinity? are you close enough that you can talk with him about this? would you be willing to go to couple's therapy to strengthen your relationship? i hope to hear back from you. i feel for your pain.

hello, and welcome, the both of you, to PF!

I feel for both of you... your aura of hopelessness, breez5, makes me feel so bad.

Is it sick? I think only if you think so. Toxic? I think it depends on how you deal with it. Or not deal with it....

So your b/f has no idea? How do you think he would react? I'm... lucky in that I have a sig other who is slightly gender-atypical, and knows that I'm quite feminine (I'm a male). She... doesn't know the full extent, as she is rather narrow minded (or at least, professes to be) about transgenderism. But at least, personality wise, we seem to complement each other in the ways where we both are not like what's expected of our respective genders. Be nice to have someone more understanding, but I consider myself lucky, even so.

But that's digressing- how do you think he'd feel? I mean, unless you're putting on a total act, I'm assuming you don't act like a girly-girl. He must have found that attractive, in you.

If you don't want to transition, then how open do you think you can be, about how you feel inside? I know I have to be.. careful, in my own situation. It's no secret I have a strong feminine side (born male, here) but I'd be pushing it, to outright say I'd have preferred to be a girl. Sometimes we have to tiptoe in the direction we want the conversation to go, and get what we can take. I feel for you.

Sorry that your post got lost- sometimes that happens if you get logged out inadvertently. It helps to check mark the box labeled, 'log me in automatically each time', when you log in. That seems to help against being rudely kicked off while making a long post. Also, some people will create a longish post/message in a word editor or notepad, then copy/paste when they're ready. Considering the edit time for regular users is measured in minutes, after posting, if you also find yourself the kind who is compelled to re-edit a lot, that's a good idea, to do it in another app before actually posting.

duck, I empathise! I... appreciate your sense of duty to your family. I'm like you, I think that family comes first. If someone's young, single, okay that's one thing and heartily encourage someone to take the path that seems best. But disruption to a relationship voluntarily entered in, esp. when children are involved- we think the same on that, save perhaps in the most extreme cases of dysphoria.

Like you, I (feel, at least) that I have some alters, strangely, my main female alt doesn't feel the need to change this body or crossdress in it, things like that- she simply wants her own, period, but she can't have it, and she understands that. I'm probably more interested in the idea of changing this body than she is. Still wouldn't be hers, if that makes any sense.

Like you, I sometimes feel... not intense dysphoria, I don't just hate this body- but dissatisfaction, and a sense of being ripped off, yes. But like you, I chose the life I have, I chose to remain outwardly male, and I chose my relationship based on what I wanted most out of life. For me that's not just a gender decision, but a sexual one- I'm about 50/50 bisexual. And my sense of gender is somewhere in the middle as well- I'm a very nonbinary person, inside. But appreciate the... practicality... of outwardly conforming to a binary world. Meh. It is what it is. I'll never be fully happy with me, but I'm lucky in that I'm not fully unhappy with me, either.

Hugs to the both of you, if wanted. back to the OP, I hope with time you don't feel your future is as bleak as you felt when you posted.

@Snaga, thank you very much for the reply and the kind words, its sure is better i imagine, to be with someone who understands.
my bf knows, we talked about it actually after this..it was getting out of control
we are still together, i do not want to breakup, but since this post i feel like the issue is broader then i thought..
i think i really hurt living as a female, along with the dysphoria..i cannot put a finger on it, its alot of issues.
i feel like as a girl i always need to try hard not to be annoying? not to come off as a bithc.
yeah, i know every single female deals with this $#%^, but its really hard to deal with when you feel masculine aside that.
its not that people see me as such or call me as such, actually quite the opposite, but i always feel like i fall in no category, its like im very charismatic and lovable, but i cant get away with it without seeming "weird' or different just coz im not a male.
and with my partner, it always feels like im his lesbian friend. (its sad saying this, i know, but it feels like this.)
@duck thank you. you sound very strong and a great model for your family, and a great mother for your children.
i couldnt help but still hurt about the fact that you put yourself last..even tho i get it..you have a family.
does anyone know? do you talk about it with your husband? i wish you would be happy as well, you deserve it. i wish you the best <3

@duck oh and by the way, what did you mean when u said you hate woman?