I'm AFAB but since I was about 16, my gender identity has been quite queer. I was never taught about gender or sexuality as child and I never thought about the fact I could be being anything other than cis because I didn't realise there was any other option. Most would affectionately call me a tomboy because I would always be adamant about wearing boys clothes and joining boys groups for playing etc. When I started learning about other gender identities I found very quickly that I felt more comfortable being in a 'neutral' zone with labelling my identity. I'm 21 now, nearing 22, and I feel closer to a male/masc identity even though I'd still describe myself as genderqueer.
I have no issue with wearing 'girl' clothes some of the time but I do prefer to wear baggier, figure hiding clothing and I bind regularly. I have days where all I can think about is staying indoors and not letting anyone see my body because I know they won't see it like I want them to. There are also days, though, where nothing makes me feel confident like a killer dress and some red lipstick.
My question is: does anyone else have days where the dysphoria isn't so bad and they wonder if everything is just a lie? Like, if I don't hate the sight of my body in the mirror today, why did I yesterday? Is my head just making it up?
It concerns me, especially in terms of transitioning, that I'll never feel comfortable in ANY body I have. What if I get top surgery (something I've been interested in for YEARS) but then, on a 'good' day don't understand why I ever thought I needed to change anything?
Is there anyone whose had top surgery or started transitioning that had these worries beforehand and could give me some sort of insight into looking back on those feelings with the experience you have now?
P.S I literally signed up like ten minutes ago and have written in a forum before so hopefully this uploads OK
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed