I don't know what this is...

Hello; this is my first time posting in this forum, and am glad to see that there are so many places on here that address so many interesting issues. Kudos to those who created this place.

In any case, I’ve been having some gender-related problems and thought this might be the best place to address them with. It would be nice to possibly get some feedback. In any case, here’s the issue (I apologize in advance for the long read):

For as long as I could remember, I’ve never had much interest in women (I, myself, am a girl). That’s obviously not a problem but what I mean is that I’ve never felt much of a relation to them. When I was younger all my friends were running around during the Britney Spears faze of our lives, saying that they wanted to be just like her, look like her. They all got into these pop idols and started trying to look like them but I remembered feeling incredibly indifferent about it. I just hadn’t been interested in looking that way (feminine, in a sense) at all.

But at the time I didn’t think much of it because I was young, and I pretty much dressed the way it was expected of me (though I never enjoyed shopping for the clothes I knew I’d end up wearing), and continued to do this until about the age of twelve. It was around this time that I first caught sight of a man in a music video for a rock band whom I instantly felt almost completely envious of for his appearance (he wasn’t the performing artist, just an actor). He was plain looking, male-looking, for that matter, not that attractive but for some reason I wanted to look like him. When I told my mother about it she laughed and assumed it was just me finally getting into boys. But the thing was, I didn’t want to be WITH him. I wanted to BE him.

I stole a pair of my older brother’s pants and started wearing them with a baggy shirt. If I wore skirts at all, it was just until the pants were cleaned, and then I’d go right back to them. The following year I wore almost nothing but men’s clothes, though I’d long-forgotten my male idol from the year before, and often tried to hide my breasts with a large baggy hooded-jacket (at one point I even considered taping them down, as horrible as that sounds). I cut my hair to resemble a new male idol of mine and kept it that way the whole year.

By the time I was fourteen, there were a number of men I wanted to look and be like. Most of them were physically feminine men (men who wore makeup or styled their hair a certain way or wore a certain style of clothing) which, when I dressed like them, seemed and felt awkward. But I just wasn’t interested in looking like anything else. I didn’t want to look like a woman.

Right now I’m sixteen. I gave up most of my male clothing due to how awkward it feels on my hips (men’s pants don’t curve well with women’s shapes, I’ve noticed) and have been sort of ‘forcing’ myself into trying to stay on the right physical path of my gender role. I bought a dress (that I might never wear), a skirt, and a few tops to try and get myself interested.

But the thing is, I’m simply not. I don’t care to look this way at all. Recently I came across a young man (who, at this point, is only a year older than I am) who is a sort of celebrity over in Germany. I caught a picture of him by mistake, but after taking a short moment to review it, I realized that he is everything I want to look like. Hair, eyes, nose, lips, mouth, body, everything. Whenever I talk about him I pretend as though I’m only attracted to him in the sexual sense, but that’s not it at all. (Again) I don’t want him. I want to BE him. I’d give anything to look like him, and am seriously considering a mastectomy (and hopefully, eventually, something larger than that). Because quite honestly I’m really tired of not being able to look the way I want to.

I’m tired of being unhappy with my appearance, and my clothes, I’m tired of having to pretend like I want to be in a circle of girls when I just don’t feel like I can relate. But I don’t know how to break it to my mother (I still don’t know a lot about the procedure), and I don’t know if I’m a transgendered person and if I’d even be able to get the ‘okay’ stamp to be able to go through the whole process. Emotionally I’ve been a bit of a wreck ever since I came to this conclusion and I don’t know what other people will think of me and the fact that I don’t want to be female.

I'm not even sure what this is if I'm not transgendered.

Can you guys help me out?

I don't know if I can help, but I can try and help you think things through. Firstly, you probably have to be AT LEAST 18 to have the operation to change sex which means you have a further two years to think about it if that's what you want.

Secondly, I just wanted to ask you whether you are attracted to men or women? I know a girl who feels attracted to neither and is somewhat confused by her own sexuality. She made a comment once about being a gay man in a woman's body. That said, if you're female and attracted to men there is still no wrong in becoming male and still being attracted to men, but it's just something you can think about.

Thirdly, try not to stress too much about how you feel. One day it just might all make sense. Being different can be daunting but there isn't any shame in it. We're all the same deep down, whether we know it or not. For example, if I were in your body, with the same hormones and chemicals as you, the same diet and lifestyle as you and the exact same past, I would BE you.

Try and be happy with who you are right now on the inside. You have your whole life to worry about what you might be like on the outside. Write back if you have other thoughts/ questions etc. You arn't the only one.

I don't know if I can help, but I can try and help you think things through. Firstly, you probably have to be AT LEAST 18 to have the operation to change sex which means you have a further two years to think about it if that's what you want.

I understand. When I said 'seriously', I more or less meant that I was taking into honest consideration and thinking of putting money away.

Secondly, I just wanted to ask you whether you are attracted to men or women? I know a girl who feels attracted to neither and is somewhat confused by her own sexuality. She made a comment once about being a gay man in a woman's body. That said, if you're female and attracted to men there is still no wrong in becoming male and still being attracted to men, but it's just something you can think about.

I think that's exactly how I feel. Sometimes when I think about it, I'm convinced that I'm attracted to men, but other times I'm not so sure and my wanting to become a man just made it worse. But thank you so much. It's good to hear that there's someone out there who feels the same.

Thirdly, try not to stress too much about how you feel. One day it just might all make sense. Being different can be daunting but there isn't any shame in it. We're all the same deep down, whether we know it or not. For example, if I were in your body, with the same hormones and chemicals as you, the same diet and lifestyle as you and the exact same past, I would BE you.


Try and be happy with who you are right now on the inside. You have your whole life to worry about what you might be like on the outside. Write back if you have other thoughts/ questions etc. You arn't the only one.

Thank you so much. It really, really feels good to have someone reply back and be so understanding. I'll try to not let my feelings get in the way of me being happy (though I won't lie, it's difficult).

But again thank you. I'm so happy someone could have taken the time to help me address the issue.

I am 45 years old myself and had problems with "girlie" things. My parents, especially my dad, wanted a girlie-girl. Until I was in 2nd grade, they dressed me in pinafore dresses w/big puffy sleeves. I hated them. I watched the boys play in their pants, get dirty, enjoy themselves and be free to do what comes naturally to kids. I never wanted to dress up like any particular one. I just wanted to be able to be me, to express my individuality as I saw fit.

My parents were alcoholics, though not in the terms most ppl think. We moved from place to place because my dad was in the military, so I never had any long term friends. Both my parents were abused as children and they did their best to make sure that never happened to me, though in retrospect, they alternated between overprotecting me and pushing me into things that I wasn't ready for or able to do. Needless to say, I was incredibly shy, withdrawn, insecure, anxious, lacking in self-esteem and self-confidence.

Anyway, in the second grade, we moved to ND, land of blizzards and snirt. My parents had a holy row about me standing outside waiting for the school bus with nothing on my legs to protect me from the wind. My mother won out and they started buying me pants. From that day forward, the only time they got me to wear a skirt was when it came to dress up days(holidays or school events.)

All through my teens, I wondered if it would be better to have a penis and wear pants. I wasn't attracted to girls, just to boys, and recognized this very early on, but still wanted the freedom that boys seemed to enjoy. Also, I wasn't able to deal w/the idea of me as a girl very well, so I was conflicted to say the least.

As an adult, I was exposed to several 12-Step programs as my mother sobered up and my family learned a new way of life. Even though this changed my life completely, I had repeated bouts of major depression w/counseling of many sorts. The first counselor was a dud, never really working with me, but I knew that I needed to do something to come out of the hole I was in.

With each new counselor, I learned something new about myself, some more than others, but I also knew that if I hadn't had the persistence to WANT to be comfortable in my own skin, that counseling wouldn't have worked. They can't do it for you, only give you the tools so you can do it for yourself.

I'm also a curious sort and sought out information and others to confirm that I was ok being myself. The more I read and heard, the better I felt and the more able I was to be comfortable w/my own skin.

I've worked at traditionally female and male jobs. Found good things from them both. But what had the biggest effect on me was being able to work as a heavy equipment operator for 16 years. I wore jeans, t-shirt, hardhat and steeltoed boots and loved every second of it. I learned many things about myself, but the most important thing was this:

Be yourself whomever you are!!

Don't try to be anything else for more than just to play with it. Don't apologize for being yourself, just be the best self you can be. You will find that no matter what your family thinks, says, feels or does, that they will respect you and you will be the most self-confident, self-respectful YOU that you can be.

I no longer work in that field because of medical problems, but I still wear my jeans and t-shirt much to my sons' chagrin and embarrassment, but I know that now, I can feel confident no matter what I choose to wear, even if it's some sexy dress that I would never have been caught dead in 30 years ago.

It may take some time, but take it slow. Search out others that can validate your personality. It's easy to change the outer you. It's not that easy to change the inner, but eventually you will shine with Serenity of your soul by being just YOU.

Huggs,
daisydukes

I'm pretty much in exactly the same situation, and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one. I'm not attracted to girls, but I've always felt that I was wrong being born a female and should be a male instead. A feminine male, yes, but not a female. I can also seem to tolerate masculine or androgynous females and males, but not women who are too feminine and men who are too masculine.

I think this counts as transgender. I assume you're attracted to men, if you say you're not interested in women - pardon me if this is incorrect - but it seems people like us are akin to gay men trapped in female bodies. Many people seem to think, isn't it the same? Being a woman and being a gay man? Both are attracted to males... but I guess you know, the feeling is completely different. How you feel and perceive yourself is equally important.

I also know what you mean about being attracted to feminine men. I find myself most attracted to M-t-F or androgynous men (usually they turn out to be gay, unfortunately). Although a case like this is somewhat rare, I don't think it should be labelled as a disorder. There's not much to label these kinds of feelings, because it isn't as much as an orientation than just an identity issue and being at odds with one's gender.

One question, just out of curiosity - the German celebrity you mentioned, is he the singer from Tokio Hotel, by any chance?