Lowest point in my very blessed life

I'm deciding to post after hanging out as a guest for a bit. I want to tell my story which is likely similar to most on here and anyone who reads it and makes it to the end, thank you for taking the time to have an interest in this.

I'm 41, I live in the US (Kentucky) and am married to a wife I don't deserve and have 2 wonderful boys (5 and 7). I come from a family that is upper middle class or could be considered upper class perhaps (I'm not real certain what my family is worth but can only speculate based upon clues I've gathered). The bottom line is my granddad worked very hard up until he died 33 years ago (came from little but left us a lot), and my dad did the same (still living and retired).

I was introduced to the horse racing industry at a young age. This is where my first introduction to gambling occurred. My father owned horses and would give me $2 to "bet" (he had to place it for me) as a young child (10ish). If I won, I kept the winnings and if not, that was that. This went on as often as we were at the races together (a couple times a year or so).

Fast forward to when I was 17, an assistant teacher (doing work at my high school for his classes he was taking at a local college) was helping in a class of mine. He would pick NBA winners and place bets on a sheet of paper who he'd deliver later to a bookie...he did this during my class he was helping in. I got my first taste of sports betting through him when I gave him some money to place a bet for me. I lost my first bet ($10) and won my next and final bet through him ($10).

A few months later the internet was becoming more widespread and we had a computer at home that I figured out had the ability to place sports wagers. I borrowed my dad's credit card to deposit into an online betting account (what would be nasty foreshadowing of what was to take me over for the next 24 years), and paid him cash from my savings working at my after school job. He didn't pay attention to what the charge was to, I think it had some crazy bogus Chinese company name on it.

I won money when I did this and loved the feeling I got from winning. I was hooked from this moment forward and my addiction put it's first nasty grip into me. This grip has since become a chain wrapped around me.

I have gone through the cycles since that point where I'd gamble for a bit, lose a lot, run out of money, quit for a while, and once my funds were replenished...I'd rinse, wash, and repeat.

I pretty much did this for the next 13 years. Up until this point, while the gambling was hurting me, it hadn't even come close to causing the harm that it would over the next 10 years.

In late 2012 I was told by my dad that him and my granddad set up a trust for me when I was an infant. They invested in the trust wisely and it had grown quite remarkably to a nice amount. I was to get 1/3 of the money at age 30, 1/3 at age 35, and the last 3rd at age 40.

In 2012 I received the first 3rd of the trust and it was around $180,000 (USD). I blew through that gambling within a year and also was making good money at my job at that time ($150,000/YR). I lived paycheck to paycheck but always had my debts paid (I should have been very financially stable at this point in my life but wasn't).

I met my wife in 2013 and we married in 2014. She realized early on that I gambled but didn't realize quite how bad I was. I bet on sports and was glued to my phone all of the time. If we would be at a movie, I'd make excuses to go out of the movie (get a refill on my drink, use the bathroom, etc.) to check the score to my games I bet). I was never "present" and this basically occurred at all times since there is always something to bet on.

We had our first child in 2016 and in 2017 I received my next trust disbursement (this time it was $300,000 since the market had improved with what was invested).

I blew through this within a year but this time my wife was very upset. She told my sister what happened and she told my father. I'll never forget we had dinner shortly after he found out (before I knew he found out) and he was very cold towards me at the restaurant, he had a sad/disappointed look on his face and I could tell something was going on with him.

He confronted me a day or two later about knowing how I blew all that he gave me and how upset he was. He worked so hard to set up a life for his children and grandchildren to be financially stable. At this point I had a 401K loan, numerous maxed out credit cards ($40,000 or so combined), and additional loans I owed money on. He offered to pay off the credit cards and allowed me to pay him back interest free over the next year (which I did).

He asked me to stop and I believe he considers me weak for not being able to simply quit. I wish I had gotten help at that point but unfortunately I didn't.

Over the next couple years my dad set up a college fund for my two boys and a trust for them. The college fund had (I gambled this away) $50,000 in each of the accounts ($100,000 total). Thank Jesus I can't access the trust accounts for my boys and withdraw from them (I disgracefully attempted to but the financial institution where these funds are won't let me).

I received my last 3rd of the trust account for me in 2022, this time due to great market conditions I received $930,000. My dad asked my wife to keep an eye on this and to take total control over it. We were to use the income from interest/dividends to give us an extra $50,000/year and not to ever touch the core account.

I promised my wife and father I would never gamble again back in 2017 after my father had bailed me out. I began to sneak behind my wife's back and gamble heavily (typically $2,000 to $6,000 a day in deposits that often resulted in immediate losses). My wife began to see the $930,000 starting to drop like a rock and I blamed it on the market taking a hit (she rarely looked at the transaction history).

The house I live in with my family was bought in 2021. My dad offered to finance the home for us since he could give us an incredibly low interest rate (under 1%). I paid my dad the mortgage payment for the $335,000 we owed on our home which is worth around $500,000).

Earlier this year (January) my work slowed down incredibly and finances began to get very tight. I still had $400,000 in the trust account but my dad (who knew my work was getting slow) forgave our mortgage completely. We now owned our home free and clear (I am very blessed).

I went through the remaining $400,000 and now the account sits at $19,000. Oh I also racked up tons of credit card debt and took a mortgage out in April for $160,000. I gambled more and more and had to take a 2nd mortgage out a couple months ago for $110,000.

Now work has slowed to a crawl, I have lost everything, I have two mortgages when I should have no mortgages, and I am at rock bottom.

I need help, I do not know what to do. I am going to go to GA starting on Thursday (Zoom meetings are my only option, the closest meeting is 2 hrs away).

My wife is in depression and I know I have caused this. I have cried and begged God to help me so many times over the last few yrs and especially a lot more often over the last few months. I go through stretches where I am gamble free for a short bit (a few days) and dive right back into it. I can't afford to make my payments much longer on the debt I have racked up. I looked into suicide and having my family get the life insurance to get them on their feet for what I have done but I decided that would do so much more harm than good.

I have finally realized (after 23 years of pointless activity) that I have a major problem. I am going to get help, and for once (maybe because I'm at rock bottom), I don't have the desire to gamble (at least right now and haven't for a few days).

The Lord has allowed me to keep my family together, my wife is not going to leave me even though I deserve her to do that. I need help to get my head on straight and GA is Thursday night which I will attend.

My other major problem is the financial hole I dug. My dad could help out but I am very hesitant to let him know what I have done. If work doesn't pick back up soon I may have to or else I'll have to sell my house and either rent for a while or downsize to a home I can afford at this time (we already don't have enough room for the 4 of us in the home we are in).

I would appreciate input for anyone even though I completely do not deserve any type of sympathy or help for this matter. I really deserve to rot away. I hate myself so much.

That's a tough read - but you've made progress by admitting what you have done at least in some way and you should be proud of that. I am also 41 and also have lost many hundreds of $$k - also over the last 10 years, though most of this was in the last 5 years.

Unlike you however I don't have a family - and for you this must be especially tough to face. I would say that be very careful not to allow those dark thoughts to overtake your mind. It's very easy to fall into significant depression because of this and that has it's own problems. While it's a large sum of money, remember that it is just money - it is not worth losing any more precious time over. In the coming months and years things will be especially tough since it's clear the economy is now shifting - more automation and inflation means living will become much harder than it has been. This will be especially hard for people like us to face because we will always have the thought of a time where we had sizeable assets to make it easier - but we must not give in to this.

For a long time, maybe the last 12-18 months I have beat myself up signficantly over the losses. I believe this is because I finally came to the point where I had realised the damage I had done to myself and I kept asking myself how did I get here? That is the most important thing for you now - you need to go back and spend some time (it might even take a few months) and have a hard look at where this all started in your life. You may be carrying some guilt or shame from your youth or some broken relationship but at some point there was some trauma which triggered this behavior.

Use this as a means by which to start fresh in life. There is no getting the money back, it's gone - focus on taking strong action to do whatever you need to do in order to get this eradicated from your life. Use it to make you extraordinary - to do and achieve things you would not normally have the desire to do if this had never happened to you.

Hi wrconle,

I read through your whole story, and it brought back a lot of memory, and I do feel you very much as I went through a lot ...a lot a few years back. I can relate very well on what you're feeling and going through.

First, I want to tell you the good part. 1. You still have God in your life. 2.Your wife, 3. Your dad and 4. Your kids and family. The relationship is still there. Not to worry about money as money can be earned.

Next. You have need to bite the bitter pill. Upcoming, will be a difficult journey, but worth every bit of it.
You have to come clean with your dad and your wife. They won't understand this gambling addiction which you are going through (don't expect them to. If they do, it is a consolation).
You need to go for the physical (face to face GA, even if it means travelling 2 hours...trust me, the benefit is way better than the online one).

You need to know what you are dealing with first. This addiction will not go away on its own. Your definitely need all the support you can get, from your loved ones. Be sincere.

Keep us posted here.

I know you can do it. I was once there before. Take the first step.

Welcome wrconie ,

We're glad you've joined us here . First , I want to tell you this - you are not alone in this fight . We will be here for you no matter what, to offer support and encouragement without judgement . Everyone here has been where you are now . We have all felt the shame , the pain , the helplessness of being addicted to gambling .

Second , I want you to know there is HOPE . Recovery is a long ( often lifetime ) journey but it is not impossible . None of us is doomed to this addiction , no matter how long we've lived in its grip . You have the strength within you to overcome this . We all do .

Lastly , gambling addiction is a disease . It's far beyond "weak will" or poor choices . It's a disease of compulsion and compulsion knows no reason . GA is one of many weapons you will need to break the compulsion's grip . Please look over our Strategies thread for some of the things that have helped our members in their battle against the urges . Come here as often as you need to and let us know how you're doing whether it's a victory or a struggle .

RicardoG wrote:You have to come clean with your dad and your wife. They won't understand this gambling addiction which you are going through (don't expect them to. If they do, it is a consolation).
You need to go for the physical (face to face GA, even if it means travelling 2 hours...trust me, the benefit is way better than the online one).

I agree with both points here . It is imperative that you stop trying to hide the extent of your addiction and the damage it's done . This will be very hard but after the pain , the healing can start. Addiction thrives in the dark . Dragging our ugly secret out into the light is one of the first steps towards accountability and freedom . If you can , please try to introduce your family to Gam-Anon . They need support and strength as much as you do and they may get a better understanding of what you are up against . It could help greatly with their own journey towards healing .

It takes strength and courage to admit we are powerless over our addiction and to reach out for help . I'm proud of you for taking this vital first step . This war is won by a thousand little victories . There is no "cure" . There is no amount of prayer that will stop you from gambling but it will give you the strength to stop yourself . This is your battle and it's a battle you can win - one day , one hour or one minute at a time .

We believe in you , even if you don't believe in yourself right now . You can do this !

Welcome to the forum wrconie,

Although our path to this addiction may be different, we can all related to your feelings, your struggles and your irrational thoughts. I am sorry to hear that you are going through your rock bottom and I hope you come out of it with your family intact. We often will try to hide what we have done from our family due to the shame of our actions, but they will often be our greatest allies. I planned to take my gambling secret to my grave and when my wife found out, my world came crashing down. It was definitely the lowest point of life. But because of it, she became the largest part of recovery by taking control of all the finances, which I would highly recommend your wife to do.
At the same time, you need to show your family members that you are serious with your recovery by consistently attending your GA meetings, perhaps seeing a therapist or even reading books about the addiction.

Recovery will be a very different and perhaps difficult life style, but YOU are worth it. Sometimes we feel worthless due to our addiction, but we can't be defined by our negatives. We all have many great attributes that are loved by many.

movingon2014, RicardoG, and NewSunRising,


I sincerely appreciate you three taking the time to not only read my very condensed version of "my story," but also to provide a reply. This means a lot and I'm grateful for that.


My wife is one which I have already came clean with so that is done. My father is another story and the harder portion of this situation. I do plan to admit to him my full story and I realize I absolutely need to, the timing on that is the tough part. I want to begin my recovery and get a few weeks in before confronting him and coming clean to him. If I have proven to him I am taking steps to control this monster in me, I believe he'll be more receptive once I admit to what has happened and it will be a little easier for him to handle.


The GA in person option unfortunately isn't possible for me. I am going to have to go with virtual at this time. The meetings closest to me meet are at times that would require me to take a half day off work to attend. I simply can't do that and keep my job. I came clean to one of my best friends who I work with. He let me know that our work health insurance covers one on one counselling so I'm going to find out if I have an option there that gives me an in person platform. I also plan to meet my pastor and come clean to him, I know he is available to talk to just about any time I need him....I want to hit this from multiple angles and hit it hard.

The urges have hit me to gamble again over the last 24 hours. I have not given in and do not plan to do so. I have had the thought "I can try again and THIS time I'll wait for the games I KNOW will win for me." OR "I did it wrong last time, THIS time I can win by trying THIS technique."

I have killed those urges by reminding myself where I am now, how I felt after my last loss, and re-reading my initial post on here.

This thing really is a nasty monster isn't it? I really wish the general public fully understood what gambling can and often does to people. It is certainly on the level of drug addictions with the destructive power it has on the addicted and those around them. For whatever reason (maybe the lack of physical signs?) it doesn't seem to get near the attention that other addictions do.

Aries411,

Thank you for the reply, I had submitted another reply before your post popped up. I went through your story a few days ago and am happy you had an interest in mine. I saw the number of posts you have and wanted to learn from a long timer how you went about things and where you came from. I read your first few posts and am very happy to hear that things are good with you and your wife and that she's been such a great teammate for you in this battle that never ends (although it sounds like it does get easier over time thankfully).

wrconle wrote:movingon2014, RicardoG, and NewSunRising,

The urges have hit me to gamble again over the last 24 hours. I have not given in and do not plan to do so. I have had the thought "I can try again and THIS time I'll wait for the games I KNOW will win for me." OR "I did it wrong last time, THIS time I can win by trying THIS technique."

I have killed those urges by reminding myself where I am now, how I felt after my last loss, and re-reading my initial post on here.

This thing really is a nasty monster isn't it? I really wish the general public fully understood what gambling can and often does to people. It is certainly on the level of drug addictions with the destructive power it has on the addicted and those around them. For whatever reason (maybe the lack of physical signs?) it doesn't seem to get near the attention that other addictions do.

Unfortunately this method of avoiding it will only last for a short period of time. Something has to fundamentally change deep within you before you're truly able to let go and I believe this is what GA is all about and why the 12 steps are so successful. I haven't gone myself, but I wish I did I could have avoided a lot of carnage. For me the transformation happened, but only after I went through a number of life changing events - this included some health issues, vehicle accidents and a spiritual awakening. I personally believe this happened to me because I didn't listen to the warning signs years earlier - I persisted, and I was punished. I can only be grateful that I'm still alive.

If you would had told me 10 years ago when I joined here that any of that would happen to me, I would have laughed in your face with disbelief and continue to go and piss it up the wall (which is pretty much what I did). It took those events combined over a large period of time for me to hit my personal rock bottom.

My point is do whatever you can to address this - if not GA, then speak with someone and build a support network. Total abstinence is the only way - with a strict control structure around access to finances and ensuring you plan how you spend your free time. Also potentially some therapy (including hypnosis) to help you deal with the past, forgive yourself and let go - this will help you plan for the future and enable you to move on without persistent regret.

wrconle wrote: I have had the thought "I can try again and THIS time I'll wait for the games I KNOW will win for me." OR "I did it wrong last time, THIS time I can win by trying THIS technique."

Boy oh boy... Like you, I was a sports gambler and those exact thoughts entered my mind so often. The horrible thing is that if you lose, you think like the above statement and decide to gamble. On the other hand, if you win, it reinforces the statement and you gamble even more. What a horrible thought process....

That is why we need some hard barriers between us and the gambling (self-exclusion, giving up finances, therapy) to give us a fair shot of being successful in the early stages of recovery. I always thought the first 3 weeks were the hardest to stay gamble free (I barely ever went 2 days without gambling)

My last bet was placed Saturday of last week. I'm within a few hours of being gamble free for 6 days. This is the longest stretch I've had in a number of years. Typically on a Friday I would deposit $2,000 to $3,000 into a sportsbook and bet on a European basketball game (3rd quarter over/under or something like that). I'd go all in and attempt to get my account to $5,000 or so. If I won I would look at that night's NBA, NCAAF, NCAAB, NHL, etc. set of games and decide what my next "all in" bet was going to be. My plan every time was to get my account up to $10,000 ish and I would "step off the gas" then and bet $1,000 to $2,000 a game. I thought with $10,000 in my account I'd be able to withstand some losses and still keep winning overall.

I tried this over and over and over. Sometimes I built it up to $30,000 or $40,000...one time even $184,000. In the end it would be lost completely back to the sportsbook, every dime plus all my countless future deposits.

I had lunch with my dad today, I still haven't told him as I mentioned in my last post. I want to gain progress with my recovery before coming clean. Things he said to me today made me realize how much harder this is going to be on him once I come clean. He said he plans to gift me $6,000 after the first of the year to help out. That is so kind of him, but he thinks I'm struggling at work (which I am) but have next to no debt (which I have tons of), and he thinks I have significant savings (which I have none of).

$6,000 will be of tremendous help but it's just a drop in the bucket of the debt I've racked up. He is going to be so hurt, I worry about this causing his health to decline due to the anxiety it will cause. I keep pinching myself hoping I'll wake up 2 years earlier but I realize through constant tears, this is reality and the life I've created.

I'm the perfect example of someone who has no problems and everything going for him...but can in record time create every possible problem for himself and bring his family down with him (something I never thought hard about due to being so emotionally disconnected while in my gambling binges). I don't even know if I know how to emotionally connect to another human being, it's been so long since I've been able to try this.

I have not gambled but I have thought heavily about it. I hope I don't ever do it again. When I meet God and He shows me my life review, I am going to need a bucket to catch my tears once I see just how selfish I've been.

The money loss is horrible, the financial burden this has caused is stressful and has probably taken years off my life. But the worst part about the last 24 years is that my life has been robbed from me, by my own doing. I might as well have been in prison the last 24 years because I have not been part of the world around me. I have been a distant father and husband, uncle, nephew, son, friend, and citizen of the world. Physically people in my life have seen me, but I haven't been there. I have been in another world, I have been focused on whether the next inning will have a run scored or not, or whether there will be a meaningless touchdown scored within the last 2 minutes of the football game. My existence and life has been focused on these things. My family, my job, my faith, everything...has taken a distant backseat to my one master I have chosen to serve for the vast majority of my life. I have existed but haven't had any connection with those around me. I have been distant so I could concentrate on my monster.

I hope that I can remain gamble free for the remainder of my life. I hope that I can find some way to make up for the lost time with those I love. I hope that I have enough time remaining, God willing, to do all of this.

I appreciate the support I have received in here. I hope also that one day I can be like those on here who have been gamble free for years and try to pay back to the future ones like me who will inevitably come on here.