My Story

Hello,

I have struggled with gambling almost four years now. When I first got into gambling, it was from my friend who was a really good poker player who suggested we should make an account on a website and see if we could make any money. At this time I was done with college and had been working my way through it. I had a lot of money and I was working a lot. It seemed pretty harmless when I put 100 dollars in this site. However, I noticed the sports aspect of the site which was something that caught my eye because I was very interested in sports and following it. I started gambling with the money we had in our account, which i think i ended up losing in a few days. I joined a couple other sites and put money into one. I think I put in about 250 or 300 for my first deposit to just bet on sports, and I think I must have been playing with that money for at least a month or two and got it up into the 2000s. Naturally however I lost it, and I slowly started making deposits and chipping away at my hard earned money. I think as time progressed, slowly my betting habits began to change. I was never a big risker so often times it was weeks or even a month before i blew the money that i had deposited. In addition to gambling online, I went to the casino very often as well, sometimes two times a week. Casino gambling has never been terribly bad for me as I can lose 200 and be done, and usually if i was up money i would quit. But the casino contributed negatively to my online gambling and i found myself even betting on sports online while i was at the casino. my deposits went from being 100 or 200 to 500 or more at a time. I could lose that money and not even blink an eye. Through this all no one really knew what I was doing and i found myself becoming stingy and increasingly bad at spending money on my bills and other things i might have wanted. it was not until about a year ago when i started to realize that i was really starting to drain my money. i had never gone into debt, taken out a loan, or borrowed money until this point when i borrowed a good deal of money from a friend. from the past year and a half i'd say my money drained faster than it did the whole rest of the time i had been gambling. I realized that i hit rock bottom in march when i went on a trip with my brother. i only had about 1500 dollars in my bank account for the whole trip. i was in turmoil the whole time i was on the trip wanting to gamble. eventually i broke down and ended up losing enough money to the point where i was very worried about having enough to get through the trip. my friend, who i had borrowed money from previously as a loan, and he sent me enough to get through the trip. at this point i really started to realize i had a problem. like i have seen before in these posts, now i was anticipating getting paid so i could use it to gamble since i did not now freely have a lot of money in my bank account to use. at this point i took out a real loan in order to pay off some of my bills, which naturally i used to gamble. i stopped doing things i loved like golfing and going out because i wanted to save my money for gambling. when summer hit, my parents happened to look at one of my bank statements and found out what had been going on. this really triggered me because they basically forced me to give over all my sources of money including my cards and bank account. however i still managed to go behind their back and gamble, just in smaller quantities.
Present - I am back to having five figures in my bank account and in good standing on all my bills . I still want to gamble, but i have a lot of roadblocks to get through. i do not have access to a bank account or card. i have occasionally used small amounts of cash to deposit to my online account to gamble with. I know that if i had my money free i would definitely be gambling. I am not sure where i will end up and i am pretty sure that i will relapse at some point. a lot of people know about my problem, so i can always talk to somebody, but i am stubborn and so used to hiding it at this point that it doesn't even feel worth it. and i know once i move out on my own i will have a lot more accountability to myself and my parents won't be in charge. however, i think i am at a better place than i was a year ago and i feel a little better about myself. If anyone wants to comment they can. Thanks

Welcome to the forum !

What you've described is a pretty classic progression of gambling addiction . You've taken some great steps in setting up roadblocks and accountability . Please be aware that feeding this addiction , even " small amounts " is only keeping it alive and present in your life .

benflicky wrote:I know that if i had my money free i would definitely be gambling. I am not sure where i will end up and i am pretty sure that i will relapse at some point.

Do you really want to go back to where you were ? Yes , this addiction has a high rate of relapse but it's vital to not give yourself permission to relapse . That's our addicted brain talking . " It's OK if you relapse because you quit once , you can always do it again ". Yes , you can always quit again and you will - after you've wiped out your finances and hit absolute rock bottom . Gambling addiction is a progressive disease . The more we gamble , the worse our gambling gets . And the harder it is to stop again .

You are on the way to removing a destructive , compulsive behavior from your life . Please do not leave the door open for it to come back and take over again . You deserve a better life than that .

Hello Benflicky

I am glad that you managed to implement those road blocks. I did it in the past, and they surely helped, but this is a very tricky condition, always waiting to hit again.
Whenever I removed the roadblocks, I almost immediately went to gamble again. My advise... really keep those roadblocks for as much as you can. Eventually you will be involved in better ways to spend money and you will not miss gambling.

I have been struggling with gambling addiciton for at least 17/18 years. I have lost so much more than the outrageous amount of money that I did.

When you described the turmoil of feeling that you didn't had enough money for your holidays, I could really relate... I felt that so many times! And its horrible. Just horrible.

Sharing your story, and being active in this forum is a great way of keeping GF.

Stay strong... good things will happen for you.

Hello, my name is Geoff, and I am a compulsive gambler and my last bet was May 7th, 2023. My "drug" of choice was sports betting. I started gambling late 2020 - 2021 after seeing so many commercials and ads about sportsbooks. I enjoyed watching sports and figured why not watch and try to win some money while watching. It took the fun out of watching sports enough that to this day, I cannot watch sports or look at scores anymore. Every time I saw a post online or a score of some game, I started getting urges. At the time, I did not think this would be a problem, gamble a few bucks here and there, nothing excessive. But that’s how any addiction starts. I started during the NBA finals bubble, this then led to American football, soccer, tennis and other sports later in 2021. I was living at home with my mom, sister and girlfriend at the time and working full time in a field that we were considered essential, so I thought I had money, even though I should have been saving it for the future. I did not think it would amount to much and I would be able to control myself. NEWSFLASH: I could not control myself. I let the compulsive behavior take control and went way overboard. I was using (gambling) upwards of 5-6x weekly, hours at a time, before and after work. There were days I would stay up late or wake up early to watch or follow games overseas. While in my heavy usage time, of course I did not see that as a problem but in retrospect, I considered myself a degenerate gambler. During this time, I was applying to a professional program, while working 10-12 hours a day. I brought work home with me most days and felt not quite burnt out but fried. I applied 3 cycles and got denied by all six programs each cycle. An outright denial. I kept it in and just said "eh, there is always next year". Deep down, I was sad and upset which eventually led to depression. I seemed fine on the outside, always had a smile on my face, pushed all worries away and did not think about my problems. On the inside, the total opposite. I felt miserable, dejected and discouraged, my life was over because all my dreams, everything I worked for the last 10 + years down the drain. During that time, I felt the only thing I wanted to do when I got home was sit down on the couch, put on whatever sport was on during that time and just gamble. Trying to win any amount of money possible would make me happy because it meant I would have more money to gamble later. As a compulsive gambler, my favorite bet was always the next one because of the possibility of it winning and being the one that put me on top. The curses of being an optimist (we'll talk more about optimism and how it relates to gambling in a later blog). It was never like that, and I eventually continued to chase my loses. During my heavier use, I started to bet well above my means, this led to more chasing. I chased long enough to get into insurmountable debt. Enough debt, I was considering filing for bankruptcy. Eventually, I let the depression take over me. I just kept doing what I thought at the time was going to give me some kind of joy, seeing green check marks when I won a bet (not often). To the gambling brain, that was our happy place. Whenever we saw a green check mark next to our bets or at a casino’s sportsbook, placing a check next to a bet, it increased the amount of dopamine in our brains and of course, we thought we could win more. So, what did we do? We increased our wager and bet more, thinking we had a hot hand. But in the end, the sportsbook won, they always win. That should be the first rule anyone who is currently gambling whether it be at a casino or online, THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS. When you learn that, getting away from this horrible habit makes it easier.


My biggest regret in life was hiding my illness from the woman I loved the most, my best friend. She knew I gambled but not to the extent I was using. When she asked, I always hid the amount because I was ashamed and did not want her to think less of me. I hid more than that. I hid how I felt from being denied, rejected, unwished for, unwelcomed, not wanted. Maybe had I talked with her how I was feeling and how I was medicating that illness, things would be different? Instead, I froze, said I do not know what I plan to do and just let it go. THAT’S NOT THE WAY TO HANDLE THIS KIND OF ISSUE. I wanted her to think I knew what I was doing. The last thing I wanted was for her to worry about our future. She eventually left me, which can be seen both ways (good and bad). If we were still together, would I have told myself I have a problem and need to change it? Maybe, but maybe not. Losing my family was my rock bottom. But rock bottom does not always have to be a bad thing. When we hit rock bottom we give over our control of hopelessness and helplessness and realize we have a problem that needs to be fixed. Eventually we try to dig ourselves out of the rubble that we have against our back and try to move forward being a better person. Not everyone hits rock bottom. Most will continue to medicate themselves with the same issues thinking it is not a bad thing. DO NOT BE THAT PERSON! If you need to, allow yourself to hit rock bottom, dust yourself off, give yourself a few days or weeks, then make some goals and crush them.


If your situation is or was like mine, talk to your partner. Tell them what Is going on in your mind, devise a plan on how you are going to control your life. This might be the biggest fight you will ever have in your relationship but if they still want to be there by your side, make a change for the better, for yourself, and your future. If they do not choose you, life is not over. Move on. Get better. Make better choices. Build better habits. Put in work daily to get to a place in life you feel content and want to live.
If you have debt, work with a financial advisor or financial coach to see how you can attack this debt head on and regain control of your finances. Worse case, file for bankruptcy and start with a clean slate. (Not a financial guide, please talk to financial experts on these cases).

IT GETS BETTER. One day at a time.

Thank you Geoff for sharing your story and your words of hope and encouragement . It's so true that gambling addiction not only destroys the life of the gambler , it hurts the ones who love us too . Your story is the near-textbook path of addiction .

The recovery path is a lifelong journey and it's not an easy one . You're not alone . We'll be here with you and for you as you fight to regain your freedom , one day at a time .

Today , I will not gamble .

Thank you for that post Geoff,

It brought up many familiar memories since I am also a compulsive sports gambler. I gambled on everything I could just so that I can get some action. I was living on paycheck to paycheck for 16 years and barely paying the minimum amount on each credit card bill. I didn't care about others or myself. I just wanted to be in my bubble and just gamble. Eventually all the lies and hiding caught up to me and my wife found out about all my gambling. It put a permanent wedge in our marriage. All the trust I had was now gone and we ended up going to gambling and couples therapy together. This eventually helped rebuild part of the marriage, but the trust is still missing. It can be very difficult for people to trust someone after so many years of lying.

I am happy to hear that you are on the road to recovery and that you found many people on this forum that will join on you that path!