Here is my story

Hey everyone,

It's been a long time since I was on here and I even forgot my password to log back in. I have mixed feelings about being back here because on one hand it means that I could not control my poker addiction, but on the other hand it means i can finally admit to myself that i need help. I have tried telling myself that i am a good poker player and that if I put the time and effort in, I can one day become a professional and earn a living. I have held on to this idea for so long because I have nothing else to fall back on. I am 31 years old and have had dead end jobs since I was 16 years old. I have never really been passionate about anything in my life until I came across poker. I have been doing a bit of self reflection lately and the truth is that the reason I cling onto poker so much is because it is the only time in my life where I feel like a winner. At the same time, it has led me to feeling more down than I have ever felt before, to the point of wanting to commit suicide. Before I was ever introduced to poker/gambling, I was never really self confident. I didnt think very much of myself and thought that I had nothing to offer anyone. Once I started playing and occasionally winning, I thought man I finally found something I do well and could succeed at. The upswing made me feel as though I was on top of the world. The downswing had me feeling like i wanted to break everything in my house and had me questioning god like why is this my life. I have stolen money from my mother and brother to feed my addiction with that stupid idea that one day I will win it all back and pay them back for everything I did to them. The truth is that I have had opportunities to pay them back by winning big online and I even proceeded to cash out those winnings to do just that but before the cash out would get processed, I would cancel the transaction and continue playing until I inevitably went broke for the millionth time. For the past 31 years, I have achieved nothing, disappointed my family and friends, and i have no idea where to go from here. I have put about 20k of debt on my brother credit card, am currently not able to work because i have a hiatal hernia and my job is very physical. Therefore, i have no money in my account, no real money coming in, hospital and doctor bill's piling in my room and a student loan debt over 50k and no degree to show for it. You know I have always thought of myself as a loser and that I have no real value to this world and that my family and friends would be better off without me, and even while I am writing this, I can feel my eyes getting watery because it's all true. I keep saying I want to kill myself but I know deep down that I cant do it myself, but at the same time I dont know to continue living. I have been playing real money for the past 12 or 13 years and it has completely consumed my life. I have no dreams or aspirations outside of poker. I am not good at anything. I dont know what I want out of life except to let go of this feeling of inadequacy. Sometimes I wish I could go back and stop myself from ever getting into poker but then I think to myself that if it wasnt poker, I would have some other addiction. I dont smoke or drink (on occasion I will drink maybe once a year if I am at a party) because I am afraid of becoming addicted to those substances and where that would lead. I just dont know where to go from here, all that is on my mind is the mountain of debt that I have and trying to find a way to climb myself out of it. Well, that is enough ranting from me, thank to you everyone for listening and I wish everyone better success than I have had.

Welcome back to the forum,

I understand your pain my friend. I too wanted also to try to make a living just playing poker because I was seeing all these successful people and you don't need a typical education to be like that. The truth of course was that we were only seeing the winners and didn't see how much 99% of the other people were losing. I tried to set rules and how to regulate a proper bankroll, but you probably found out many times is that after a loss, those rules go out the window. You play more to chase and get into a bigger and bigger hole. Thats the endless cycle to this addiction.

I have learned that VERY few are able to distance themselves from the emotional connect of gambling and I know I can't, thus become a professional gambler is impossible for me, even though my irrational logic keeps telling me that I can do it.

We almost all start in the same place: in a huge amount of debt. To get your life back on track, you need to reject these thought about being a professional poker player (I know it is MUCH easier said than done) and to start working anywhere. I know that proper work may be difficult to come by these days, but that is the best way to cut into the debt. Gambling definitely isn't.

Try re-reading all the different strategies to stay gamble free and try the ones that appeal to you. I hope you continue to read and post on this forum.