New Here..Canadian

Hello all, new member but have lurked this forum over the years when times were rough emotionally, and looked for solace. I've been a compulsive gambler for 20 years. I'm 48 now. It's been 4 weeks since being ALMOST gamble free. I say almost because I played $45 on an online bingo site last Friday.

To be honest, I'm okay with the $45. That is just a drop in the bucket of what I would spend in one session just 5 weeks ago. After the 45 was gone, I didn't deposit anymore. Not to say I wasn't tempted to continue but there was a part of me that knew I would go nowhere fast if I continued. So I'm proud of myself for stopping.

I guess what really sunk in recently was finding an online diary I started 10 years ago. I discovered I was saying the same things about my gambling issues even then. "I want to stop" "I've lost so much" "What am I going to do" etc etc. I've carried those thoughts, feelings in my head for 20 years. I was stunned and a kick in the pants for me.

It is not to say that I don't miss gambling. I do! My game of choice was Keno. I would sneak away or find an excuse to slip out of work for a couple hours to go to the nearest casino and play. Or when I was home alone, I would log on and play slot games. I've spent between $1,000 to $2,000 in a session several times. When I had to admit defeat after a session, the feelings of shame, guilt, anger would kick in. Thoughts of what I could have done with that money would come which increased the feelings of guilt and shame. I found myself having to find ways to cover my losses a lot. It was pretty much routine.

No one knows the extent of my gambling. Not even my common-law husband. I was fortunate to have a contract that paid me well. I've won between $2K-$4K a few times this summer. It was a high which quickly gave way to wanting to win again. So I would use those winnings to keep going. Pretty soon I spent the winnings then dip into the bank accounts, thinking I just needed that one hit to be up again. Man, what an awful cycle.

I'm feeling okay right now. It's nice knowing there is money in the bank, no need to make up stories why there is only this much in the account (I always would say I just paid bills). I think what is the hardest for me is reconciling the amount of money I've spent trying to MAKE MONEY. How crazy is that.

The consequences of my gambling has been two bankruptcies (first one was due to a small business venture gone wrong, I used gambling as way to escape and attempt to make some to pay creditors), bounced cheques, hurting friends and family (things are good now), awful credit rating, hiding, pretending, lying constantly. panicking over money, the list goes on.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my story and feel kinship when reading yours. This is the first time where I feel some hope. I live in Winnipeg, Canada btw. Thanks, talk soon.

Welcome RecoverWmn48 !

Thank you for sharing your story . There is hope for all of us and this is a wonderful and supportive community . It's my opinion that online gambling is one of the most insidious forms of this addiction . The fact that it's accessible 24/7 from anywhere we are makes it extremely dangerous .

Please feel free to post here anytime , whether you are feeling strong or if you're struggling . We'll be here for you ! You're not alone in this battle .

Hi RecoverWmn48

I wish you a new beginning to a gamble free life, this the the best favor you could do for yourself and your loved one.

I too felt a lot of guilt and stupidity after a big loss and the worst thing is that after sometime I don’t even feel anything because I always justify it is my money to do as I please. The truth is that it still hurts and distract me from living the good life.

The truth is when we are stuck in this addiction, we do not grow emotionally, spiritually or financially. I have read notes to myself written 24 years ago and I too see the same problems, issues and destruction. I felt stuck in a time warp. I have heard therapists say that we are still mentally at the stage of our life when we began our addiction. I see a lot of people planning for a new career, retirement, a second home, a move, a new job, etc. Meanwhile, I am still facing the same issues I faced twenty five years ago. We will only grow if we stop this addiction and start learning to deal with the day to day of life.

Notlookingback wrote:The truth is when we are stuck in this addiction, we do not grow emotionally, spiritually or financially. I have read notes to myself written 24 years ago and I too see the same problems, issues and destruction. I felt stuck in a time warp. I have heard therapists say that we are still mentally at the stage of our life when we began our addiction. I see a lot of people planning for a new career, retirement, a second home, a move, a new job, etc. Meanwhile, I am still facing the same issues I faced twenty five years ago. We will only grow if we stop this addiction and start learning to deal with the day to day of life.

Thanks for replying.

I never thought of it that way in terms of Myself being stuck emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. And it's true....I still feel/think the same things as I did in my late 20s (when the addiction really started). Thanks for that, gave me something to look at.

Seeing my online posts from 10 years ago was stunning. To be carrying all of that to now, quite sobering (in more ways than one).