Why do I do this to myself

Here I am laying in bed just wanting to die as I relapsed yet as again. 41 years of age now and not got no job and no life whatsoever. I try and go to the gym and save my money from the sick for months and months and don,t gamble for weeks and then I my mind says “go on just try small money to pass time and I start off betting 2 pounds and maybe fivers and lose say 20 and think oh well and stop but then I have that day were I just lose everything like yesterday I lost 665 pounds from starting off betting fivers. I just want to die right now as this as happened to me time and time again. I even think do it really matter anymore as I am old now abc could never get a job or my life back now.

I'm sorry you are going through this Leroy . Gambling addiction is a brutally tough disease to beat . I personally believe that it never stops trying to come back to life and take over . Months of no gambling is a great achievement - don't let the relapse take that away from you . It took strength and it took determination . Relapse is not failure . It's a setback and you can overcome it .

Pick yourself up and fight again . Are there Gamblers Anonymous groups ( or anything similar ) in your area ? Sometimes just having a person to reach out to when the urges come on can make a big difference .

We're here for you . We've been where you are and I want to tell you that there is hope , that it is
possible to free yourself for good . Come here and post when you feel triggered or when the addiction starts whispering its lies again . We'll help any way we can .

Hi Lorey, I am sorry to hear about your relapse and I can COMPLETELY relate to your feeling. I used to walk 7 kms a day to save 3 Euros and sometimes used to skip food to save 8-10 Euros. But when this illness used to take over, it used to take 500 Euros or sometimes 1000 Euros in half n hour or so
. What a shame!

I am also going through recovery and I would suggest you to be strong and face it. Block all the options available where you can gamble and try to take one day at a time. I was clean for more than 3 years, had cleared all my debts and was having saving of more than 20k Euros but gambling took everything away in few months and I am again in debt.

I am really very sorry for you, as NSR suggested join the meetings and try to be strong. We are with you!

The problem with me is I can,t accept a loss! If it’s 10 pounds I want it back and will chase it until all my money runs out! Crazy I know but it’s like a demon takes over me. I think we all know gambling is from the devil. The key is not to make that first bet I think

Leroy
You've done this before. You can do this again. Life is worth getting clean and seeing what good arrives. Your clean time does not diminish -- hopefully you did feel some mental relief away from the gambling?

I know it took my brain a long time to reset, actually i think it is still resetting for me to a new normal. And things DO start feeling better. Gambling isn't the ONLY thing I desire now. Thank goodness.

You said it right, the first bet is the one to avoid. I think you know yourself. You spelled it out pretty clearly. If you want to go back after you win, and you want to go back after you lose - well sorry my friend, there is no escape. It isn't for you anymore. Can't be. You've crossed the line and there is no going back. But there is LIFE and the mysteries ahead.

Do all you can to surround yourself w/ positive non gambling people and activities. The mind will settle over time but guard your life until you get 90 days again.

ALL the best to you

Hi Leroy,

Sorry to hear about your situation.

How are you coping?