Keep Digging in Deeper

Good Morning,
NSR, I could see myself sitting in that parking lot, as you described one of your moments in time.
I have been taking the long and hard road in this battle and slowly i am coming to realize that i want to be the girl shaking and screaming in the parking lot beforehand and defeating the moment; and not after, having been defeated. This is perhaps what you mean by turning point...
It is crazy how tiny things trigger a moment. I look back at the other day and my being upset with my hubby -- which started the tricks playing in my mind validating the ok to go "play". Over the years I am certain that it was always an emotion to feed on: bored, angry, happy, lonely, sad... And of course I am an emotional girl.
Anyway, today is another busy day, I am working straight through until Sunday, and things are so far/so good. I am paying a little more attention to myself each day, not only to be ready for triggers, but to find a little growth in all of this. I want to change...not just abstain!
Since I have let my guard down and played in June, I have also played in July/August/September...today is 20 days GF but I have also set forth a goal for a clean October!
Have a great day All!

I hear you are not alone ..I am a married women with three grown children confessed my ways to my hubby 2 yr ago 90 000 hidden debt. ..he was not a happy camper..I abstained for 14 months and paid off 68 000 of my debt ..the last 6months I've been off the wagon and back in for over 20 000 so I'm going in the wrong direction. My husband would kill me if he found out. I have to stop going all together again 100% or I will be in the same mess again. Frankly my marriage would not survive it. I know I shouldn't go and I tell myself just the free play and then I win and put it back in and if I lose I chase until I cant spend anymore ..its ridiculous I know better. You're not alone my dear.

Its amazing how we ALL know that gambling isn't good for us and that we will continue to lose if we play, yet we still do it. That much re-wiring there is in our brains. When we are emotional, we often put logic aside and the smallest lie will easily convince us to gamble.

traced wrote:I hear you are not alone ..I am a married women with three grown children confessed my ways to my hubby 2 yr ago 90 000 hidden debt. ..he was not a happy camper..I abstained for 14 months and paid off 68 000 of my debt ..the last 6months I've been off the wagon and back in for over 20 000 so I'm going in the wrong direction. My husband would kill me if he found out. I have to stop going all together again 100% or I will be in the same mess again. Frankly my marriage would not survive it. I know I shouldn't go and I tell myself just the free play and then I win and put it back in and if I lose I chase until I cant spend anymore ..its ridiculous I know better. You're not alone my dear.

Good morning Traced..
I have tried to comment and thank you for your reply, but i keep getting errors, so i will try again;)
Again, thank you for taking the time to chat with me.. I too have a hubby and 3 kids.. And we share a similar time abstaining and picking it back up...
I hope things are going ok for you...
Lately I have found myself trying to figure out the why. This addiction fits so well with the old adage "definition of insanity"... It's never fun anymore, the pattern never changes, the outcome never changes, and the beating up the self-worth never changes.
So why did I get back on that hamster wheel again?
I consider my life really good. This family has been through some scary times (health wise), but we are on the mend.. I am head over heels for my husband, and know he feels the same, i am usually too busy for a social life, so i am rarely bored,
And I know this disease is slowly eating at my soul. It takes my money, my sleep, my self worth, my time, and i believe after the last few times i have played, it's hurting my health.... The physiological reactions are becoming scary!
When i don't play..
I have the odd urge... I, on occasion, have a physical yearn for it, but it does pass.
I sleep better, no panic disorders throughout the night. I have more money, I don't lie, I walk taller, I feel healthier, i can look my hubby in the eye.. I am at peace...
Hmmm???
I am tired of the wash-rinse-repeat cycle of insanity that has taken so much from me, my babies, my hubby...
I prefer peace!
The last 27GF days haven't been perfectly peaceful... I am replacing, working and trying to overcome the last 3 months of madness, but peace is slowly returning....and I am going to keep welcoming it into my life...life is just truly better when I tell myself "NO" and stick to it. There are just no positives giving into it... I feel horribly guilty just walking in and sitting down in front of one of those damn VLTs.... The amount of time I lose is never refundable, no matter how much I win, it will never replace what I lost, nor will I ever keep it long enough to actually replace any of it... I usually return home lying, I spend the next "x" amount of days panicking, tossing and turning all night, and revamping a "losers" budget.
Where is the logic here?
Sorry, I think i may have turned this reply into a self - mom- lecture. I just "mom'ed" myself, lol!
Anyway, 27 GF days aand counting. I hope the day finds you, and anyone else reading this, well and may you find a little peace in your day
Now hopefully this reply will post...

Hello...Good too hear from you..Yes your post caught my eye as we are similar. I'm trying very hard too stay away and not give in to urges. I need some time away from it again. I hate hiding things from my husband it creates a wall between us. I also detest the moving money around so I can pay off everything without him noticing. I also sneak away and have to lie about where I've been..this is just not a healthy place for me too be in. Its terrible to realize I've blown 2-3000 dollars in an afternoon. I don't understand why I do this. It's just crazy. I must commit too stopping. I wish you the best and I will watch for updates on your journey. I'm determined to stay away.