Keep Digging in Deeper

Well, here I am again in a massive slide into insanity. My 13 month stretch of abstaining has turned into a downward spiral into the same old behaviors. What is crazy, is how wild i have been with the slots. Double bets, sometimes 2 machines at the same time.
Everything i hate about this girl is there again- the lies, the panic, the "robbing Peter, to pay Paul", the lack of sleep, the physiological hear racing-body-shaking, the money "borrowed" from the kids accounts...She came back. She's here, and I HATE her. Today is day one. The last 4 months need to be a reflection in my recovery, I miss the girl who vanished. I will start working on becoming her again. I have always liked her more!

Hugs , if you want some CDIA .

I experienced the same thing after 6 months of recovery . I was totally unprepared for how bad it was - I spun out of control so far and so fast I didn't know what hit me . I too had to fight my way back to recovery and what kept me there was this terrifying thought : The next relapse will be even worse .

You will get through this and come out stronger than ever . Your year+ of recovery has not been erased or made meaningless . You have gained powerful insights and knowledge regarding this addiction . Make those things work for you now .

Hey CDIA,

We've all been there and you now know the bliss of being gamble free for a long stretch of time. The bliss being pretty much the opposite of..

Cantdoitalone wrote: the lies, the panic, the "robbing Peter, to pay Paul", the lack of sleep, the physiological hear racing-body-shaking, the money "borrowed" from the kids accounts

You can definitely get back there, you've done it before! All you need is to patch up some holes in your recovery and you'll be stronger than before. Our recovery is a lifelong process and needs a little tweeking from time to time.

Hi Aries and NSR. Thank you both for your reply. It is hard to express how much your words just affected me. Big big big hugs back to you, as i blink away some tears.
It's day one again of a relapse "hangover"... The powerful self hatred is sinking in deeper, the physical and emotional exhaution from lack of stress and sleep. Tje thoughts of the amounts of money that have plowed through my hands via winning and atm withdrawals would make any human gag at the thought! Do I not love my husband and children enough to stop doing this destruction? It's about the money, yes... But it is also about what it's doing to their loved one. It changes me. This addiction changes every component of who I am. I hate it! And it hurts. I say it again, i have said it many times before, i am done. I just nees to actually find an method of recovery that works. .. I just have to...

Please try to be kind to yourself . Addiction is a disease , not poor life choices or bad decisions . Compulsions can be incredibly hard to overcome , especially on our own .

As for the relapse ... at one point I came to view my addiction as a malevolent creature that I had been feeding and strengthening over the course of many years . It demanded the "food" and I gave in to its demands every single time .

Then one day I stopped feeding it . The results were what you'd expect . As it began to "starve" , it became desperate . After the screaming tantrums and manipulation of its attempt to regain its supply failed , the thing went quiet and eventually silent . I thought it was dead . I was wrong .

When I relapsed , it roared back to life with a speed and intensity that hit me like a speeding train that I never saw coming . It did what any starved creature would do when suddenly let loose into a room full of food . It gorged itself - mindlessly and ferociously . It took everything I had in me to stop myself again .

Cantdoitalone wrote:The powerful self hatred is sinking in deeper, the physical and emotional exhaution from lack of stress and sleep.

You are not your disease . You are up against a vicious , compulsive addiction that you did not choose to have . It's a fight for control of our lives and and none of us can win every single battle . But we can win the war . You know what you need to do and you can and will regain your recovery . Relapse is devastating but even this can teach us something about our triggers , our illusions , our vulnerability to complacency .

Battle on my friend . You have the strength and you have the knowledge . You are wise to the lies now . A painful lesson but for many of us , a necessary one . It is so very easy to underestimate the enemy .

Hey CDIA,

I can completely understand your feelings and I think everyone in this forum can, because we all have been through this road before. You have read my posts before and you know that I had the similar situation. I am still dealing with that and will be dealing with that for the rest of my life.

One things I realized very well that once we become a gambling addict then our mind will find n number of ways to convince us to gamble again, and we have to fight that till the end of our lives it seems. I know its a tough time for you but my only suggestion is to block all the options which you think your mind can suggest you to gamble.

I self banned myself from EVERY POSSIBLE OPTION, which can drag me down to gambling. Now even if my mind tells me to gamble again, I reply back to it that there is no option to gamble so stay quite and let me live my life.

In last few weeks I am gamble free and One night I asked myself 2 questions....
1) I cleared all my debts in the past. Had the money, job, family, happiness and had no debt. How I did that? Answer: Because I did not had any option to gamble in India and when I came to Germany I though gambling is illegal here so I stayed gamble free for another 1.5 years.

2) What made me pull back? Answer: When my friend told me its legal here, so I started again and destroyed my hard work of 5 years.

So for me the answer to everything is that no option, no gambling. I would suggest you to try that, and I hope this will work for you.

We all are with you, Remember an old saying -- When someone helps you, when they're struggling too, that's not help that's love!!. We all love you and you will come out of it. Be strong!!

Love, Shanky

Awesome Shanky1987. I am super Happy to hear you are keeping steady with your quit.
I know abstaining is my only way. I don't leave when I win, and call it luck if you will, but I could have repaid my new found losses a few times, yet still walked away shaking, broke, embarrassed... Well, you know...
Its the same thing everytime. The definition of insanity, and i swear i become insane. Literally!
Today is day 4, I have had the last couple of says off and i am okay. Mad at myself, yes! But i am okay. I am happily spending time with my family, cooking and organizing and trying very hard not to punish myself too much. Its hard though. I work so hard, and my family does not have that kind of income to dispose of. Now I must keep working much much harder to replace what I have lost. It will take quite a few months to do so. It is doable, ONLY IF I STOP. therefore I must stop. Thanks for the advice. I will keep checking in. And you keep on going strong as well!!

And thank you NSR. Sorry my last reply was so short. My kids were waiting on me to watch a movie.
I however promise you to never stop battling! I am watching the next few days. Those days where my head starts to want and think its ok. My work load is a light tjis week, and I know my idle hands like to be busy.
I am just shocked that i am back here. You are right about the awakening. I just want to kill it this time, not just it to sleep.
I am working on my smoking habit right now. I have quit before, abstained and slowly brought it back to being my reality. I knew it only took that one cigarette, just like it took that one 20!
Have a good night friends. Cheers to one more day gamble free!

Today is day 17 since I last decided to give in to my tiny demon...
Last night I had a strong urge to play. Not the first time i had thought about it in the last couple of weeks, but it was one of those urges that took that argumentative conversations with oneself that kept me from turning left instead of right. I wanted to play because I was arguing with hubby about things. It was telling me that i could go and do something that i wanted to do, while he was doing something that he wanted to do.
It was an excuse that my tiny demons were throwing at me as a reason to give in. And I realized it as I kept driving. But it was there, the urge was strong and it wanted to battle. But i kept driving. It sat on my shoulder the entire drive home. And i kept arguing with my demon into the evening, but slowly the little angel started sitting there. The one that was whispering bravo, and way to go.
Waking up this morning the angel is still sitting there. Tiny praise from myself means a hell of a lot these days. I know how I would have felt this morning had my tiny demon won... I have slept with those consequences 1000s of times.
Anyway, just a tiny blog of how a 25 minute drive could make or break ...how a a short period of negotiating and arguing with oneself could have spiralled into a completely different outcome.
Have a great day all, keep fighting your little demon and wake to the praises of your little angels

I had that 25 minutes of make or break once .

I sat in the casino parking lot while the voice in my head demanded that I go inside . It when from coaxing to insisting to full-on maniacally screaming " JUST DO IT !!! " . By the time I made myself drive away , I was shaking , sweating and near tears . But victorious . It was a turning point for me .

So bravo , CDIA - a very big bravo !