On my very last trip to the casino I decided enough is enough! My husband and I went to the casino so he could place a sports bet for himself and a friend from work. He has no issue with the casino or gambling so it's just fun for him. We go and as soon as he has his sports betting tickets he's ready to go. I am never ready to go until I have lost it all.
This particular day (8/17/19), we arrived and I asked him to drop me off at the front of the casino where the slots are. I get out and immediately went the bank machine to get more cash. I told my husband I would only spend the $140.00 that I had in cash (LIES). I took out $260.00 more because I need at least $400.00 to gamble (RATIONALIZE). I sat down at my favorite machine and within 5 minutes I hit a $2,000.00 jackpot. The frenzy begins. The lights and sounds of the jackpot music were so loud that I had forgotten my plan.
The plan I rehearsed in my mind for the next time I won a jackpot was to get paid and exit out the side door before I had a chance to give it all back. (FALSE SENSE OF CONTROL). Needless to say, the plan didn't work. I once again let the "monster" take over. The attendant couldn't pay me fast enough. Now thinking back, I couldn't hear my thoughts...only the music.
The attendant came back with the cash, she finally turned the music off and as she was placing the hundred dollar bills in my hand, all I could think about was recouping the taxes I allowed them take out from the jackpot (CHASING) - and it was "on" from there. I was running around like a maniac going from slot machine to slot machine.
I was noticing physical changes too. At one point my fitness tracker read 130 beats per minute for my heart rate however, I was standing still at a slot machine. I was hot, irritable, stressed, super tense and mad. I was so tense I could feel my body stiffening . I used to enjoy playing slots but I just kept thinking to myself that this was not fun.
This continued until I lost it all. While I was losing I kept making deals with the "monster" that I would not go below $500.00 of what I had won but I lost that and $700.00 more of my own money. This all happened within an hour.
When I met back up with my husband he asked me if I had fun and I replied "No, it's NotFunAnymore!".
The very next day I called a gamblers help hotline and asked for some help!
Today, I have 14 days gamble free!!!
As I write this I can tell you All that I am so very proud of myself for so many reasons:
1. For admitting I have a problem.
2. For asking for some help.
3. For no longer stalking this site and finally becoming a member.
4. For confessing just how much of a problem I have to my husband.
5. Accepting that I can never gamble again because I am wired differently than everyone else and that's ok.
Thank you all for your stories and allowing me to stalk the blog before joining. Thank you for providing a safe space for me to share. Success to us all!