I am such a weak person

Shanky , it is a long , hard road to pay off the debt but there's a saying : The only way to get out of the hole you're in is to stop digging .

You are doing great , even if it doesn't feel that way now . You've stopped digging . Getting out of debt always rough in the beginning . I used the snowball method - I paid off my smallest debts first , then moved on to the next largest one . I made myself a spreadsheet of my debts - every single one of them . It was painful to look at and seemed like a mountain that would always be looming over me .

It took me almost 2 years , with 2 jobs , living on the least amount of money that I could manage . But I'm telling you - the first debt that got paid started the ball rolling for me . I became so focused on knocked them off my list , one by one . By the time I had paid off the second and third debt , I knew I was going to make it . So will you .

Hang in there !

shanky1987 wrote:People are putting a lot of pressure asking me to return the money and it feels like I am dying every single day. Every single day is a struggle and I am cutting down on so many things. Had so many experiences in last few days which made me felt SO EMBARRASSED, but I am facing it because I have to

Someone in GA told me that no matter how bad your day is going, you can always make it worse by gambling. Sometimes I look at those hard days and think how I would feel after losing even more money. Uggg.. Horrible.

I think you are doing amazing Shanky and your gf time is awesome. You are doing many things at the moment, so you will find quite a change in your lifestyle. If you find it too much (since you are also cutting down on food!), just tone it down a bit and know that you are heading in the right direction and that is the important thing. As you start to pay people back, feel a sense of accomplishment that you are knocking down this addiction piece by piece. I am rooting for you as well as everyone on this forum!

Shanky I'm very happy for you. Keep fighting this addiction. I remember myself looking into amount of money i owe to people and bank debt. Urges were really strong, after 1 month I relapsed, I thought I can't do this, phone calls, credits, my relationships. Then I said to myself I can try again. Now I'm almost 4 years GF, so everything is possible with hard work and help from this forum, GA. So, you already did the hardest thing- admiting that you have gambling addiction and you need to do something about it.
Time goes so fast, believe me, one month, 3 months, 6 months, 1, 2, 3 years, just don't give up

Thank you NSR, Aries and PcZ for motivating and giving me the strength in this tough time. It means a lot, thank you once again.

I will keep posting regularly here about my progress.

Shanky.

Day 43:

Hi my friends,

I am here again to post update about my progress and struggle

[Happy part]

I am still clean and very happy about it. Sometimes I get the urge to gamble but now the "good" me is so strong that it kills the urge in seconds.

Another very happy part is -- 2 days before my family joined me here in Germany, My kid is so happy to be with me and my happiness to be with my wife and kid cannot be explained in words. Its their first trip abroad and they are super happy and excited to be here.

Last 2 days were so wonderful that I felt alive again!!

[Struggle Part]

Once my family arrived, I took them out to Oktoberfest and showed them some other places but, most of the time we took train or we walked. Few times my son said, "Papa my legs are paining and I cannot walk anymore" ... he is just 5. My heart filled with SO MUCH of regret that I could have easily afforded a car and could have done so many things IF I hadnt lost the money in this stupid $#%^. That regret and that felling... feels like slapping myself 1000 times.

I made the mistake but my family is suffering because of that...Its so frustrating and painful. But unfortunately I cannot change the past, I have to make the future better. WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS, GAMBLING ALL MY FAMILY'S HAPPINESS IN THIS BLACK HOLE.

I have not shared anything with my wife yet, as she just arrived here with so much of excitement and I don't want to kill that happiness by telling her that how I ###$ up big time. Also I am pretty sure that she will not be able to understand this disease and how powerful it is.

So I have decided to deal with it on my own and to make all compromises in my daily life and to give them whatever happiness I can afford with the little money I am left with, without letting her know about my horrible past. I SHOULD BE THE ONE PAYING FOR MY MISTAKES. I will try my best to keep it a secret till everything is ok.

People keep calling me asking for money and it is REALLY very tough to deal with them. Still I am somehow managing by asking them to give me sometime to pay back, few agree and few dont. I have faith in GOD and karma, I never did bad to anyone So I believe that everything will be alright in sometime, I just have to keep patience and take one day at a time.


Total Debt: 90,000 Euros
Number of people I owe money: 27
Bank Loans: 3

I will keep you guys posted till I am back to a "normal" life. So that my other friends here can also get some hope that no matter how worse it gets, things can be ok... AND GAMBLING IS NOT A SOLUTION FOR ANYTHING!!!


Shanky

Hey Shanky, I'm so happy for you. Keep reminding yourself that you have 2 choices: happy life with family and other as you said: black hole where debts, broken relationships, loans and etc. Hardest thing is to start recovery, tell yourself that you're addicted and you can't control it. You already done that.
My advice from my recovery: first of all try to give smaller debts or bank loans, so it will motivate you to move foward.
And about telling your wife, I think she will find out one day, but it's your decision when to tell her.
We are with you, take care!

Hi PcZ, thanks for your reply and yes you are right that my wife will come to know sooner or later, I am just scared to face that moment.

Updates from my side:

[Day 52]

As the days are passing by, people are putting a hell lot of pressure to return the money. At the same time I have to take care of my family with a happy face on, so that they dont get suffered because of this mess. My kid and wife are so happy to be here and they are having an awesome time without knowing what I am going through,at least their happy faces gives me some strength to fight with this tough time.

2 days before one of my friend got really pissed as I was not able to return his money on the committed time and I got a text from him which was rude. Because of that I was a bit tensed and my wife saw that, she asked me if everything is ok? I said yes, she said I know this look on your face and I can feel that something is not right. Is there something you are hiding from me?

I was on the verge to share everything with her and to let her know how I am dying every single day. I wanted to tell her that I have an illness and I need your support. I wanted to tell her that things can be ok, please just be with me for sometime and pull me out of this mess.

But before I was about to say something I thought that what if she take it other way round and go back with my son thinking that I have an illness which can spoil my son's future and I stopped. I said everything is fine and its just that I have so much of work pressure and other things.

She was not fully convinced but I tried my best to make her understand. I am literally counting days when I will be debt free and can have a happy normal life.

Anyway, I am still fighting and lets see how long it last.

Total Debt: 90,000 Euros
Number of people I owe money: 27
Bank Loans: 3

One thing I want to ask, how to deal with people whom you owe money. I told them that I will pay them but I need sometime but ofcourse no one is going to wait for a year or so. What to do in such kind of situation? These kind of situations make me feel that I should give a try to make some money from gambling(which is just an excuse of my ill mind). I want to kill this trigger, I want to make people understand that I am not running away with their money. All I need is just sometime.

What should I say to them? How to deal with them? How to make them understand? Please suggest. If there would have been 4-5 people then I could have easily managed but with these many people I am not really able to find any solution.

Shanky

Owing that many people can causes quite a bit of stress. I paid interest to the people I borrowed and eventually to make it less confusing and easier mentally, I took out a big loan and used it to pay back everyone. Even thought the interest on the loan was a bit higher than the interest I was paying people, it stopped them from asking for money and for me wondering what they are thinking of me.

Hi Shanky,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Firstly, never chase your losses & never return to gambling in hope of getting money to return your friends. Gambling is not a money making place.

I can advise you to pay your friends with monthly instalments, even if it is a little money each month. It may show them that you are sincere in repaying the owed amounts. People tend to be rude and less understanding if they misunderstood your intention of repaying them. They may think that you are never going to return them the money and that frightens them. Sadly it's just human nature. I do hope that you have some kind and understanding friends though.

Set a goal and work something out, I am sure you can do it.

I am back again!

Posting after a long time as so many things were going on and I was not having a stable mind. To summarize, things went from bad to worse. I stayed gamble free for almost a month but the pressure from people pushed me again to gamble(which I knew from the start that it was a bad idea). I won some and paid some but at the end of the day as we all know, I was in negative.

Day by day I am losing all hope as it feels that I dont have any control over my life and my actions. Because of this my wife, kid and every other person whom I know is suffering.

I stayed gamble free for almost 4 weeks but because of the phone calls, I decided to play. My wife used to ask me why I suddenly started using mobile phone so much but I told her that I am just playing games. When I won I paid few people but when I started losing I lost all my senses and one day when my wife asked me what is going on exactly?, I told her everything.

As expected she freaked out and there was lot of shouting and crying but I tried my best to calm her down and to make her understand that things can be ok but i need her help.

She asked me to call my family and tell them everything, I did that and now my family have no contact with me because I am one selfish addict.

Everyone hates me except my 5 year old kid, because he dont understand anything. Soon he will start hating me too!

Debt is rising and now I cannot see any hope now because I cannot pay them soon and no one will wait for it. I am just waiting for the consequences... I think I will be going to Jail soon.

8 months before I had everything good savings, good job, lovely family and today I have NOTHING. Gambling is my biggest regret.

The suicidal thoughts are increasing day by day as I created a note as well to tell my family how much I love them and why I am not able to show that because of gambling. The only thing that is stopping me from ending my life is my son!!! I hope I will stay strong.

I tried finding GA near me but there is none. Self exclusion did not helped as I found new site to create the account. No one can help me but me, which I cannot.

I dont know what will be my future as my debt crossed 100,000 Euros till date. How and when I will repay this I dont know. I have a salary of around 4500 Euros and even after trying I am not able to get a second job because of legal obligations.

Now I owe money to 40+ people and no one is going to wait for 2 years.I think this is the dead end which was long due!!

I will posting again if I will be alive!! Till then ....

Shanky