I am such a weak person

So sorry to hear this pain and destruction. This is a vicious affliction.

You are not weak ---- but please understand: you have a broken brain.

Once we have crossed that invisible line to gambling addiction - there is NO GOING BACK. There is no "safe" or "enjoyable" way to gamble again.

Stopping and staying stopped WILL reset your brain and heal it -- but I can NOT go back, otherwise the way I see it my old brain rewires right back to addiction and it is ONNNNN.

Remember the saying of the pickle and the cucumber. ??? It is a gambling addicts analogy.
We ALLLL started out as cucumbers. (regular, casual, enjoyable gamblers). But at some point I crossed the line from cucumber to pickle. (gambling addict) and once I am a pickl, I can not go back to being a cucumber. This sums it up for me.

I respect my brain disease. This ILLOGICAL hold gambling had - the risk of everything to get my fix. The absurdity of putting myself and my family in HARMS way -- for what ? For the chase? For the thrill --- of course it didn't make sense. Because my primal brain wanted what it wanted -- the gambling (dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline, whatever cocktail concoction and the rush of all that won cash).

ACCEPTANCE --- Accept you are now a pickle. You can not become a cucumber. The line is drawn. This helped me understand that if I were to cross that line back -- well I might as well just turn over my entire life.

It will take some time to come out of the craving. Please do EVERYTHING you can to get day upon day together clean. and after 90 days you will feel different. The DRIVE/ addiciton/pull is REAL and the pull will lessen. You WILL have new eyes.

Hang in there and get help --- online, 1800 gambler, GA, anything you can get to stay clean - then it becomes a choice.

Hi all,

I am still alive and the situation is getting worse to worst. Because I was short of rent, I didnt knew what to do and over the weekend as I was alone this devil started playing with my mind. My mind started finding reason to gamble and try to find amount to gamble so that somehow I can manage my rent. But somehow I controlled my mind and said it is not the way out and I have to come out of it hard way.

So I started watching motivational videos and started applying for mini jobs and decided to change my life for good. I was telling myself that everything will be ok.

Then (unfortunately) one thing came to my mind to increase my credit line so that I can pay the rent tomorrow and I dont have to borrow money from someone.

By the way i got credit line from the bank which is 9000 Euros, need not to say my balance was -8997 because I, as stupid ######6 gambler gamble till the last penny. I though of increasing my credit limit by 1000 Euros and went to online banking, so that tomorrow rent will be paid and I can start fresh by taking one step at a time.

Kudos to my German reading skills, I somehow again managed to ###$ up "again" and instead of increasing it by 1000 I actually reduced my total credit line to 1000. Now I owe the bank 7997 Euros + House rent.

I dont have any option left, I went to bank and they said we cannot increase it again as your balance is negative. I litereally begged in front of them but they said nothing can be done and you have to settle the balance as your credit limit is reduced now.

The only bright side is, today I got a mail from one of the application which I applied yesterday and they would like to hire me as a part time tutor. But I think I wont be able to go that far because I cannot manage my current problem.

Strange thing is, morning when I woke up and realised that my credit line got reduced to 1000 from 9000 I panicked so much and didnt knew what to do and started crying in the room and now I feel laughing at my stupidity. It feels like its over!!

I think I lost my mind completely and I am gettting step by step closer to the end. I am getting suicidal thoughts continuously and that is a worring sign.

I wanted to talk to someone so came here again.

Shanky , you need to get some outside help and I don't mean with money . Go to a GA meeting , go today . It doesn't matter if no one speaks English . Your story is their story .

If you are feeling suicidal , please , please reach out to a helpline or hospital . There is information on English resources here : http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/germany-suicide-hotlines.html

I've been in the exact same place , trying to gamble my way out of the mess that gambling got me into . As desperate as you may feel right now , believe me - money can be earned , credit can be repaired , self-respect can be regained . You have your whole life ahead of you to do this . It's going to take time and strength and hard work but you can turn this around . You have to let go of the idea that there's got to be a way to fix your money problems quickly . Because there isn't . Only the addiction promises a miracle way out and that promise is a LIE .

Where there is life , there is hope . Believe that you have the strength to fight this thing and win , for yourself and for your family .

Hi Shanky1987,
Ohhh, your panic and pain is so very obvious in your writings. I am so sorry that you are going all of this. The advice on this forum has helped me profusely, and having someone to relate too helps with some of the pain and anguish of going through this alone.
My longest GF time was 13 months. I broke that cycle and destroyed my savings in a few short hours. The lies returned, the trust in my husband gone, money for the kids, gone... Self-worth, sleep, focus....everything goes with every dollar lost.
The good part of you is still there. It just seems like it isn't. You need to start somewhere and start building on that. You are a good person, with a good job and a beautiful family. Day one sucks, because everything is so fresh. You cannot change yesterday, but if you work on today, you can make a better tomorrow. The first few days are going to be tough, because you keep wanting to change the past. However, if this cycle is ever going to end, you need a different yesterday. That is what today is for. It's a new day. Put some time in between your last bet and your new beginning, and it does get better.
The money will come. You found solutions each time to gamble with, now you find solutions to start breaking free from your debt and your addiction.
You have broken the cycle once before. Dont forget that! It felt good, didn't it? And it started one day at a time. Each day sucked a little less, and the money came.
Conquer one problem at a time. Make payment plans with your bank, ask them to open a restricted account for your paychecks. Limit any access to too much funds. Ask your landlord for a temporary payment plan to recoup this last rent. Commit to it. Perhaps you could sell something to offer him in good faith. Read the strategies thread for some great advice on how to manage some future paydays. Its just you for a little longer before your family comes. Eat cheap, live cheap, and begin rebuilding your foundation.
All of this advice is only a bandaid. An addiction like this will require a lifetime of effort. GA meetings were my outlet. My regular refresh button each week. The commitment to stay clean each week grew stronger.
My last meeting was at 9 months. I thought I had a handle on it. I didnt. I relapsed at 13 months. I am still working on that relapse. I work two jobs, I am rebuilding. And day one sucked for me. I, too, am a cucumber. But with each day, each little paycheck, and each moment I am healing beneath each little bandaid, and I am getting stronger. You will too! Try that 1 meeting. Honestly, what have you got to lose at this point? There may be that one person that you can relate too...
Start somewhere...

Thanks Uksat, NewSunRising and Cantdoitalone,

Because of you people I come here. You, my friends take out time from your life to help and to reply back!! I am really thankful to you.

Update: One of my friend saw my face and asked what happened, I said nothing but he insisted and asked me to come into the meeting room. He is actually a good friend of mine and knows about my gambling past. He asked me if I did it again and I told him the whole story.

Initially he was angry on me but later he started making a payment plan with me. He said that he will transfer the rent from his account and asked me to go to bank tomorrow again to ask them if there is any other solution, I will be going there. After talking to him I got strength, he was scolding me and supporting me at the same time.

He said I don't know how long it will take you to come out of this debt but, I know this can be done. Its up to you now how you want to shape your life because right now you are at the edge of a cliff. 1 step forward and its over.

After talking to you guys and after talking to him, I can feel a sense of hope that all will be ok. I have to take it day by day but I will do it.

As they say everything happens for a reason, the good part about this relapse is that I quit smoking which I was trying to do since last few years. Every penny saved by not smoking, I will consider that as a gambling return.

Another friend of mine who is aware of my problem, after today morning incident of credit limit mess up, invited me to his place for dinner. He cannot help me financially because he is the only bread winner in his family of 4, but he is giving me mental support. He asked me to come tonight, to discuss so that I will not be alone at home and can have good food after a long time. Will be leaving for his place in half n hour.

Well today's day was a roller coaster but, YES it is a gamble free day and many more to come....!!!

Thank you guys once again and I will keep you posted!!!! I JUST WISH THEY JUST SET BACK MY LIMIT TO 9K AGAIN TOMORROW AND THEN I CAN TAKE IT FORWARD.

I WISH!!

The day I realized I didn't gamble for the money but for the lights sounds and bonus rounds everything clicked in my head about what and why I was doing this. Only took 15 years to figure out. I won 3700 2 weeks ago in an hour and 10 minutes and within the next hour I had nothing. I realized no matter the amount of money I could win it wouldn't satisfy me. You can change yourself just have to figure out your WHY AND WHAT.

Day 3: I am still clean and havent even thought about Gambling in last 2 days which is a good sign.

I went to the bank and they agreed to reset my credit limit back to 9k, so one big hurdle is solved and rent also got paid by my friend who is helping me to come out of this.

I can see that things are moving and I have to calm down to make it more better and think with a calm and steady mind. Also I am 3 days smoke free, so that is also a good feeling.

I will be going for a part time job interview this Friday, where I will have to work from morning 5-8 to pack some boxes and from 8:30-5 I will do my full time job as a senior software engineer. This additional income will help me to pay my debt a little quicker.

Again thanks for your help, and I will keep you posted. Feeling a little fresh and less stressed.

Cheers,
Shanky

Hi Shanky1987,
First of all I am happy the big things are working out! You have a great friend and it is awesome that the bank can take the pressure off of you by returning your credit limit!
That being said, please do not take forgranted the days prior too... I have had my problems fixed for me before with the help of loans, credit, etc. And though you still owe these debts, the "easy fix" can lead you back to devastation very quickly. It also makes everything easy to hide.
Please do not get me wrong, I am certainly happy that things are working out for you, just be cautious not to keep putting bandaid solutions on everything, and that you seek some necessary surgical tools that will help destroy the addiction. This disease brought you to a very scary place only a few short days ago. This disease will try to capture you again. Be certain that you put some major strategies in place so that next payday, next payment due, next urge, you have a plan in place to aid you in overcoming those urges and thoughts. You and i both know that they will come! And be sure that you are ready for battle. I say this out of respect for the demon, and as a friend on the other side of the world that felt your pain when I read those haunting words you posted. Remember that everything you do has a ripple effect on your darling wife and child. Just be at the ready with some tools and strategy. Count your blessings, work your ass off and remember that it will get easier tomorrow the stronger you are today! Take care!

Hi Cantdoitalone,

I completely understand what you are saying and I am really very thankful to you, that you are standing beside me in this tough time like my other friends. I will definitely keep your advice in my mind and will make sure that I do not fall in this trap again, come what may. I am really happy that you are following my post and guiding me in right direction with your experience.

Day 4: I will be posting here everyday so that people who unfortunately fall in this hell can see how things improve day by day and also this post will help me to remind myself my mistake so that I can make sure that I don't go in this $#%^ again!

So yesterday, I had good sleep after a long time... It was not 100% peaceful but yes, far far better than what I used to have after throwing my money in fire. Still, I get few nightmares and also sometimes get worried as how will I pay this 80k Euros debt but I know some door will open. I have faith!!!

I am now left with 63 Euros for the rest of the month and salary will come on 26th, but I know I can manage and I have to manage.

Yesterday, I calculated and found that it will take me 40 months to pay this 80k Euros back and to be debt free completely. Still not bad, 3 years and 4 months.. I can manage after all I made this mistake so I will have to suffer.
I am cutting all my useless expenses to reduce these 40 months to less than 36 months. Few things I am doing:

I stopped smoking (I will be saving 100 Euros every month and add few years to my life)
I stopped drinking (I will be saving 100-120 Euros per month, also its good for my health)
I take a walk to my work and back (Saves me 55 Euros per month for the train pass. Its a 35 minutes walk one way(3.3km), so I am walking around 7 km a day to remind myself what mistake I did and also walking is good for health)
Changed my phone plan from 30 Euros to 20 Euros (Saves me 10 Euros every month)
I am working hard to get on call support job in my company(to be available on phone during the night if anything goes wrong with the software), which will give me extra 300 Euros per month.
Will be joining a part-time job from Monday(Will give me extra 450 Euros per month). Not sure, if my current employer will allow me to do that because I will be working 27 hours on paper in 24 hours.


One thing where I am not compromising at all is FOOD, Every morning I take good breakfast and a coffee.. a good heavy lunch and a glass of milk during the night. Because the last thing I want to do in this mess is to fall sick. HEALTH IS WEALTH!!!!

So these are the few things I am doing, and I am just focusing on one day at a time.... As Cantdoitalone said, you have to it day by day.

Everyone say that I have a lot of energy in me and if I put it in right direction then I can do whatever I want but I chose gambling. Never mind, its still not too late and i will put my energy in right direction.

SUN WILL SHINE AGAIN FOR ME AND I WILL ENJOY THAT SITTING ON A BEACH WITH MY DARLING WIFE AND HANDSOME SON!! LOOKING FORWARD.

Cheers,
Shanky

I feel so happy for you Shanky, that is a positive attitude and you are taking steps to go forward with your life. What is done cannot be undone and there is no way you can get your money or time back but you can certainly stop yourself from digging into a bigger hole.

I certainly agree with you, health is wealth and I too eat a good breakfast and lunch, that includes lots of vegetables and fruits, some good fats like avocado, omega 3
fats from salmon, tuna and sardines. Exercise is first thing on the agenda when I wake up and if I am not awake early enough like before 6.15 am I do a fast walk of 20 min instead of the usual 1 to 1 1/2 hr.

You can do it Shanky, we have all been there and we know what you are going through and are here to support you.