Day 6 of Relapse Hangover

Had to throw myself into overdrive for the last five days. My position with my new job has me picking up most of my shifts at the last minute. I absolutely love it! It's an exciting and fast paced environment that is stressful, has unbelievably crazy hours, and the pay isnt great, but I love it! I am glad the shifts were available, because it does help to preoccupy a terribly devastated state of mind.
I gambled for years. It started long before I was legally able to. I quit regularly, however, my days counted were usually less than 30. On May 11th of last year I quit again. I had gone on a spree that left me so sick of myself, I had absolutely no idea what to do, or where to turn. I still drive by that location, and have an instant feeling of devastation. That quit stuck for 13 months and 2 weeks.
That devastation helped for quite awhile to supress the urge to "try"! In fact even the thought of losing one more dollar was almost physically killing me. The loss of sleep and heart palpitations from sheer panic mode was so profound, I honestly thought I could end up in the hospital. That combined with support from my husband and the GA community (via meetings and this forum) as well as certain friends helped me to abstain for those 13 months.
Life wasn't easy on the slow rebuild from what I consider one of my rock bottoms. I had barely 2 pennies to rub together after years of work, I had no trust from my husband, I had health issues to survive that required surgery, and I had quit my job after 10 years. (My job was in a local bar, and it fed my desire to play on a regular basis)
It took time. But did life ever begin to get better. I dealt with my surgeries, I began to rebuild the trust of my husband, I got 2 new employers, one of which opened the door to my new and exciting career. I built my kids accounts back up. They may not be where they could be, but I have enough to help my son on his first tuition. Yay! My savings grew, and I bought things we wanted/needed, etc. But most of all, my pride grew. I felt so much better about myself! I slept better, and I walked taller...
Around mid-June, hubby and I had afternoon cocktails with lunch, and out of the blue I suggested that we "try" We cashed out 80$ on the 40$ we played, and paid our bill with the ticket. We left there, only to continue our day off in a local watering hole, and as he sat and visited, my urge led me to sit at a machine instead of with him and an old buddy. He made a comment the next day, and I told him not too worry.
2 days later I snuck away again, while shopping for a gift for my small niece. I had to work that day, so I only had a short time to "have some time to myself"... I ended up late for work that day, losing an amount that I had worked all week for, and a complete wreck at work.
I talked myself down, saying, "well there you go, that can never happen again!"
A few days later, I ended up again at my local watering hole, "maybe I can get that back", well, nope, lost double! Devastated, unslept, unfed, unwatered, and lying. "Only lost a bit hunny, don't you worry, I am sorry, I am a piece of $#%^, I will go to a meeting," and told him that I would transfer our savings to his account just so he wouldn't worry. Within days I went again, only to lost another double. Once again panic set in, and you couldn't keep me from the atm from trying to get it all back. Once again I was on the phone increasing my limits for withdrawal. Once again I was embarrassing myself in front of the small community that knows me, my family, my husband.
That was 6 days ago. I woke up the next morning of my relapse and was an absolute disaster! Oh my God! What have I done!! I looked at my account 15 times to total a gastly amount of my savings GONE! It was gone, no plan in sight to fix what i had done. Yes, I do have my sons tuition, and my other kids savings, but the small extra I had been able to put away for a year was GONE!
I had to work again and was again a wreck. Everyone could tell i was not that girl who smiles and walked tall. I could barely focus at the task at hand. Husband wasnt even talking to me. And I felt ...I felt like I didnt even deserve to open my eyes. How was I here, AGAIN????
Day 2 of my relapse wasnt much different. Multiple conversations with myself on how to fix what I had done to this house financially. Text my friend who runs the local watering hole and asked her, should I ever try that stupidity again, to shut me down! She was the only person on the planet who could see the paper work on what I had managed to "accomplish" on a Tuesday afternoon. She agreed! And I kissed my husbands ass! He was cold, and I don't blame him!
On day 3, I had both a funeral and a grad. Such an emotional day! I called my husband crying. Telling him how much I loved him, how I wanted to make happier memories, how sorry I am. A little less cold, but still upset! How can I blame him?? More conversations with myself on how I can fix all of this. More conversations telling myself that I am a good person. Better take those shifts, work myself raw, and keep going!
So I did. Almost forty hours over the last few days. Something to pay bills with in July!
Had an honest conversation with my hubby. And for the first time in my relapse hangover he held me. He said he will forgive me. I know that will take time. Time to prove that my relaspse has ended. Not just to hear I have been forgiven, but to give him the reason to forgive me!

I am only on day six. And oddly it feels like this didn't just happen. It's been a blur! A bad dream. I am working on forgiving myself. I am not going back. This is just the last 2 weeks of my life. All of this horror in two weeks. The last 13 months sure did not feel this way. I like walking a little taller, I like having money to spend on my family. I like when my husband loves me more than anything else in the world and I get to feel that love from him everyday. I like feeling proud and looking at someone in the eyes and being trustworthy and I like my heart beating at a normal pace and getting a sleep that is not interrupted by evil self destruction. I have never loved myself more than I did for that last 13months than I have for over 20 years! Oh man, nope. Nope. Nope. I cannot do this to us anymore. There is truly no worth to "trying" and it truly gets so easy not to "try" when you put a little time between. I had gotten to the point where my thoughts had drifted only every so often to "maybe" I could sit in a watering hole and only feel a little pity to those spending their hard earned time and money. I think I can still be there. And that's the plan! Cheers to the next 24!

Hi Cantdoitalone, you had a taste of what it is like to stop for 13 months and know how good the gamble free life is for yourself and your family. It is easy to stop gambling but staying stopped require constant vigilance no matter how long we stay away.

For compulsive gambler like us, we can never place that first bet. You can stand up again and fight this demon. Take care.

Tremendous honesty/therapy. Compulsive gambling is an insidious addiction. There have been times that I have temporarily lost my sanity from this addiction. I think some people do lose their mind and just give in. Fortunately, I am still sane and able to reason and can see this addiction for what it is. It has literally washed away my money and soul all at once. I choose to live fighting this addiction. I fight it every day-one day at a time. GA and therapy help me.

Thanks to you both Rainbowcolor and Notlookingback! You are right about vigilance and not letting your guard down. I feel as though I went brain dead for the last few weeks, a few moments of clarity, only to cycle back. Its horrendous how much damage a few days for a few hours can do. I am still in shock to be honest. Its on my mind that I just did this, yet part of me feels like it happened a long time ago.
Today is a week. 7 days. But I have not discounted my "sobriety" for 13 months. It helps that that my relapse didn't last another 20 years, but I know that i lost focus. I work when there are meetings, and I never thought I would play again. Too much joy comes from abstaining. But somewhere along the way I took my "sobriety" for granted. This is a gift to break free. It is a gift to finally have some strength to find something else to do with my time and money. It is a gift to find forgiveness and love and support from all the devastation I have caused over the years. I will focus on these gifts. I stopped celebrating my milestones... I cannot take this forgranted again. Each milestone, and each day truly counts. Each day I remain gamble free, I love me more, and I have more to give. I am worth it!
Cheers to another 24!

DAY 12 OF RELASPSE HANGOVER

The last few days have continued to be a whirlwind! It is difficult to fathom all of the damage a few hours on a downhill spiral can do, and boy, is it ever difficult not to constantly focus on how to repair the spiral emotionally and financially.
My husband had the opportunity to take off fishing for the night, and I stayed back due to work. On my way home, after not making the cash I wanted, i had to have a few conversations with myself not to stop and try. Like a true heart to heart with the crazy-train that lives inside of me. "Do you want to feel like you did all of those years?" "Do you think you'll leave once you blow the $50 cash you have in your wallet?" "Will you be able to look yourself or husband tomorrow, when he asks how your evening was?" "Doesn't it feel good that your relapse is now back on track?" These kinds of words and questions fighting the demon. But i was having thoughts. I know it Will take a while before I stop having them again, but "won't it be great to win back some of your losses?", "nobody is home/nobody would know!" "Just a quick try!"
I fought the urges and I kept driving. It didnt take long for the urges to subside, and I was high-fiving myself. I knew i wanted to wake up today knowing I hadn't given in. I knew the only way to get my money back was the good ol honest way of saving 1 dollar at a time. But it took one of those silly conversations. The demon was there, whispering sweet nothing's in my ear!
I checked my phone and realized I had missed a sweet text from my husband. So i called him. "Yes, baby, i am on my way home, with the few groceries I bought before work... " ahhhhh, that feels right, another self-high-five!!!!
So I did, i came home, another day GF, another night less sleep deprived, another lie not told, another dollar not lost. I may have relapsed but it was during 2 weeks in a 13 month stretch... Which I plan on being my only relapse during my journey. Honestly, I feel like I am "up" my $50. I won a small battle yesterday, and the reward of not succumbing is worth so much more. Cheers to all of you another day GF!

What a great post . I'm high-fiving you too .

Cantdoitalone wrote:nobody would know!"

Hoo boy , do I remember this line . I remember thinking to myself " Is that meant to be an enticement ? I gambled for years and nobody knew . What kind of "persuasion" is that supposed to be !? "

Have you thought about sharing your victories with your husband ? Would it help if you could say " I had urges to gamble today but I fought through them and came home feeling great ? "

Cantdoitalone wrote:Honestly, I feel like I am "up" my $50. I won a small battle yesterday, and the reward of not succumbing is worth so much more. Cheers to all of you another day GF!

You are doing great Cantdoitalone, maybe you could put that $50 away in an envelope marked fun activity or build an emergency fund in a separate bank account. I used to pay myself $10 daily for not gambling and was ‘surprised ‘ how quickly it adds up, that was a nice ‘jackpot’ and it was guaranteed

Everyday when we don’t gamble, we are WINNERS.

Good Morning all!
Thank you so much NSR and Rainbowcolor for your wonderful replies! NSR, i sometimes feel like I am talking to an old friend. You write with such heart on this forum. I have gone way back before and read your threads. You write about this addiction so well. Thank you so very much for taking the time with everyone on here. And same to you Rainbowcolor. I have been tucking away money. We bought tickets to a four day jamboree last January, and it starts on Thursday. I have been working my tail off and tucking $ away to have fun! It's a bucket list check mark going to this event, and I was surely hoping i hadn't ruined it by doing what i had done!

This last week has gotten better by the moment. 2 weeks have gone by since my ghastly attempt to suddenly be able to be a controlled gambler, only to spiral into rapidly back into my addiction and not feel like I deserved my cup of coffee in the morning. My relationship with my husband is repairing one stitch at a time. My bank account improves with one dollar at a time. And slowly I walk a little taller one step at a time. And it feels a little easier to forgive myself one day at a time!

The hard parts - I don't have a constant nag to go and try, or anything. The last year I think helps this along. A big struggle is regret. I regret losing my hard earned money, and of course wish I had done anything but lose a years worth of savings in zombie-like minutes pushing a button. The love, trust, self-respect, that all seemed to vanish with that money. It's so hard on the soul having let that demon back into my life! It's not all about the money, but what i did with it sure goes hand in hand with how I feel about me. How my husband looks at me. And what the future holds for all of us, because of me. It's definately the hardest part of all of this.

Two weeks and i am slowly starting to feel more like the gal I have gotten to know and love over the last year. She's pretty wonderful. I like her a lot!

Cheers to all of you and your next 24 hours gamble free- one day at a time!

your post helped me - thank you

Hi NewLife2017,
Thank you for your sweet remark. The thought that may help someone posting about my demons feels good. I hope all is well with you!
Today is day 26 of my relapse hangover. And I am still focussing on the things I was saying a couple of weeks ago...
"Too much joy comes from abstaining. But somewhere along the way I took my "sobriety" for granted. This is a gift to break free. It is a gift to finally have some strength to find something else to do with my time and money. It is a gift to find forgiveness and love and support from all the devastation I have caused over the years. I will focus on these gifts. I stopped celebrating my milestones... I cannot take this forgranted again. Each milestone, and each day truly counts. Each day I remain gamble free, I love me more, and I have more to give. I am worth it! "
I am trying to not take for granted that the last few weeks have gone by gamble free. I havent have any real urges since driving home on day 12. Things are slowly feeling normal, although a day hasnt gone by that i havent thought about money and money lost. I see it as gone, and focussed that the only way to replace it is to earn it back and repay myself that way.
I am still working too much, but i am trying to be present when I get home. I am truly just working on letting it all go, but yet hanging on to the fact that each day GF is a gift not to be taken forgranted. I made that mistake and blew a years worth of trust, money and self-esteem in a two week tirade which opened up that little hole in my soul.
I havent gone to a meeting yet. When I went to my last one around 10 months, it felt awkward. In some ways, things were going too well to those that had struggled more recently, and those who had been free of it for a looong time were still really dwelling on it. It was just a weird feeling. And i didnt find comfort amongst the people that were there. There monday night schedule hasnt worked since my relapse, so I have come here and read, and wrote and considered it my meeting. Not sure if I will return to that room yet. I would like to add, however, that going to those meetings did det me on the path I needed when I began my 13 months of abstaining. Not sure I could have done it, without my weekly reset button. It was the right environmemt to help me understand that I was not alone, and that I could do it. And a place to help me understand a little more on what this addiction does to different individuals.
Anyhow, to all of those struggling today, it subsides. High-five yourself for not giving in. Keep your money in your pocket, give your demon the finger and walk tall. Each day it gets a little easier, your finger gets more effective, your pocket gets bigger and you walk even taller. Each day is a gift❤