A RELAPSE INTO MISERY

Well well well. Where do I start? It's been quite some time since I have been on this site. To be honest, I forgot about this website, but fortunately, it crossed my mind today, as I am in need of venting.

It has been quite some time since I have dealt with my gambling addiction. I thought it was behind me. Where do I start? Let's see. I have posted here multiple times in the past, but it's been a while so let me catch those of you who read my posts up.

I graduated from college with my Bachelor's degrees a few years ago. During my time in college, I was dealing with financial struggles and dealt with gambling relapses. After graduating, I moved back to my home city and was fortunate enough to get a job. The job I got helped turn me into a better man, a better person, and I gave up gambling. This was the first time I had a consistent paycheck that lasted more than a couple of months, as I stayed with the job. I relapsed once and lost an entire paycheck and felt so guilty because I felt I was letting the youth I was working with down.

Fast forward to my current relapsing issue. I am still at the job I was with after I graduated, and have been living paycheck to paycheck. I do not make much at all, but it is enough to keep a roof over my head, and have the basic necessities in life, but I often find myself short on my money even though I do not spend my money on anything but necessities.

Recently, I found myself tired of my routine, but also feeling trapped at my job, because I felt I was not being compensated for the work I was contributing, and due to some relationships being damaged between me and management due to one of the main managers doing something business scandalous towards me, my morale towards my job went down.

A combination of all of these things, which was living paycheck to paycheck, having sick family members, not being able to contribute help financially to others as much as I want, and being tired of my routine, I sat and thought of a "strategy" I could use to win $60 dollars from the casino on a daily basis. I created a "strategy" in my head that consisted of me thinking I was giving myself a chance at actually succeeding with these daily wins and I thought to myself if I could do this right, I would be able to save up at least 20 grand by the end of the year.

Fast forward, I put the "strategy" into play, and it was working. The "strategy" consisted of me leaving if I lost a certain amount and starting fresh the next day and reusing the "strategy" until I got back what I lost plus more. The "strategy" worked for some days, and certain days I went back more than once because of the natural gambling inclination to want more money. Then it happened, I eventually lost. Having enough self-control, I left. But what happened after this? When I went back, I ended up using this so called "strategy" to try and win back my losses from the previous day, which was significantly more than $60 (my daily win goal). I ended up getting my money back.

Fast forward later on, my "strategy" fails again on another day, but instead of leaving I stay to chase back what I lost, and I end up getting it back. Fast forward again, it happens again, but instead this time I do not win back my losses, and instead I continue to pull funds out until I lose everything to my name, and here we are again, back at the mercy of the casino, losing everything to my name, addicted to gambling, wondering where I am going to get more to chase back the money I lost and get back to my "system", the failed "system" that the gambling addict often creates in their mind.

Fast forward, I ended up borrowing money from two siblings, losing two more checks, selling a cell phone and a video game console, and also ruining some friendships (some of these friendships maybe needed to be ruined anyway, but that is a different topic that is not necessary to discuss on this post) in the process. I ended up losing all of this money that I got from borrowing, checks, and selling.

Now where am I at? I am sitting with less than $200 to my name, and I battled the urge to take that $200 to the casino today to try and win myself out of my struggles. I had been doing door dash lately to make some extra funds to make up for what I lost, and was dedicated to putting my time to that to make back the money I lost slowly but surely, but of course, the head gasket on my car blew so now I am carless. They say when it rains it pours.

Today I fought multiple urges to lyft to the casino and use the last of my funds to try and win big, but I went back to read all of the notes I wrote on why I shouldn't gamble. I also had to remind myself of all the times I lost, and all the times I lost my big winnings right back to the casino. I had to remind myself that gambling dug me into this deep debt I am in now in my life, and it is the reason I do not have bank accounts, credit cards, and have a high amount of school loans. Financial pressures cause me to have urges to go back, but I have to realize that the casino is what put me in more of a financial struggle now.

Here I am now, sitting here alone in this room typing this, realizing that I was born as a poor person, but gambling has made me even more of a poor person with a gambling addiction. This relapse has brought back so many pains that I thought I was done with, pains I thought were left in the past. But here I am now, without a car, without the money to pay for the repairs, no money to enjoy my Summer, dealing with a gambling addiction, and barely holding onto things financially.

I have worked hard for a lot of my life, and still realize that gambling is one of the worst addictions you can have. I do not want to play addiction olympics because I know there are horrible drugs out there, but the reason gambling is bad is because you can lose everything in a matter of minutes and put yourself in a very rough situation.

I pray that I can get out of this addiction and return back to how I was living before I relapsed. I should also drink less, as I found when I was winning this money I was drinking more alcohol and hanging out more. I also should search within myself to find out what issues and emptinesses are causing me to gamble and drink. I also need to focus on finding more things I like to do that can bring in more money, as I am aware that my financial situation of not having much money also causes me to relapse, and I know for some people it isn't about the money, but I am sure that for me, it partially is.

I wrote this to vent to the website and let readers know they are not alone. I have worked hard in my life to uplift myself from lower class, go to college, obtain my degrees, not fall into the same pitfalls that some of my family and some of my peers did, but I am disappointed in myself because I feel far behind financially, have lots of financial strain and debt, and often feel that I have failed my family and community because of the damage I have done with gambling. I feel like I own them and myself so much more. That is my honest feeling, I do not want to sugar coat anything for this forum post, as honesty is important when dealing with trying to overcome addictions and your issues. This is where I am currently at.

Welcome back , BLLMB .

It's good to see you back on the forum and I'm sorry that you are still struggling with this addiction . Please re-read the strategies thread . There is great wisdom in the saying " When we fail to plan , we plan to fail ."

You know by now this is a lifelong battle . Four years ago I was almost exactly where you are now . What is the difference between us ? I made plans - a plan for distractions from the urges, a plan for debt repayment , a plan for rebuilding my shattered finances and battered self-esteem .

It felt sometimes like I would never experience a day without fighting the urges but the day finally came when I was free of them and secure in the knowledge that gambling addiction no longer controlled me or my life . You can have that .

Relapse happens . So does recovery . The choice is ours .

Hi BadluckLeavesMeBroke,

It is good that you remembered this site. We are all here for you.

I have been in your situation before...many many times.
We are surely intelligent. We think of our "strategies" to win. But in the end, we always end up losing.

Our brain are not wired properly anymore in this aspect of gambling. We can never recover.
The sooner you realize this, the better you will be forever.

You gave yourself an excuse to gambling. You had other options, but you ignored it. You could have looked out for a better working place or a better paying job. You could have taken up a part-time job.
etc etc.

Put up some proper plan in place....you have done it before. Give it very serious thought.
I believe you can do it. You can surely live a happy life. A life of GF.