The good...and the bad

The good...I went 126 days without gambling.
The bad...this past Friday I finally gave in to the little monkey on my back and drove the fifty miles to the nearest casino and in I went.
After four months the place felt very familiar to me (although I had never been to this casino before) the lights the sounds the excitement all got to me. Like a lost soul in the hot desert sun I was able to drink a little cool water. It felt good. So I played and lost. I returned on Saturday. And this time I won back my money and more. You know how this plays out so I won't go into details.
Somehow I don't feel guilty about this episode.After all I did go 126 days without water. My oasis in hell you might say.
I really don't know whats next for me. We'll see i suppose.
Que sera sera.

Sorry to hear the monkey's still on your back Happy_bean . When you are ready , you'll quit again . It's a personal thing . If you discover that you were happier not gambling and that this happiness was worth more than the rush you get from gambling , then you know how to make it happen .

No judgement , my friend . You are the only one who can decide what you want in your life .

I wish you well .

Hi happy bean, the 126 days that you are gamble free is not wasted, it shows that it can be done again. I had many failures and go back out again after staying away for a long time but I learn something each time and become stronger.

We have all been there and are here to support you.

Thank you for your sage advice NSR. It is well taken.
Thank you also rainbowcolour for your kind words.
Day two gamble free.

Thought of sharing this

Two days I was checking through the soccer odds. I realised this is something I should not be doing in the first place. I guess it was the case of going down the memory lane.

The temptation was there to make a quick buck, more like making some leisure money.
Well, I managed to brush it off easily. I'm not going to fall victim again to this cycle.
I know the temptation will come back someday, but I will be ready.

Lesson: Win or lose is not important, but not playing at all(or abstaining) - that is the most important thing.
A drop of liquor for an alcoholic, is immense pleasure. But what it can ignite after that??? ....

Well said and well done , RicardoG .

I have had my own close encounter with temptation these last few months and I won't lie , it was a near thing and it shook me up . Extreme stress in my work and personal life brought back all of the old impulses to hide away and "forget" whatever was going on . I managed to not gamble but I really , really wanted to . I wanted that numb oblivion again . Just me and the slot machine - no thinking , no feeling , no caring .

I learned a lot from this , the most important thing being that all my years of recovery will not let me act on these impulses anymore . The voice of sanity is now greater than the voice of my addiction . There was no arguing in my head like in the early days . There was only a quiet , implacable presence of " Want all you want , but it's not going to happen ."

RicardoG wrote:A drop of liquor for an alcoholic, is immense pleasure. But what it can ignite after that???

I thank you for this RicardoG . It is a quote I will carry with me throughout my life and it reminds me that I know the answer to that question .

Hello NSR,
You scared me with your close call nearly going to the casino again. To go there and just concentrate on that for hours and not have to think about other problems is very powerful and I am sure lures many of us in. It is extremely expensive and dangerous therapy in my opinion. I have read your posts for a long time and if you are vulnerable we all certainly are. I am not going to post more, but will continue to read posts here to motivate me. Maybe if I can manage to pull myself out of this cesspool I will have some advice for others at a future date.

It was a serious wake up call for me . I've always espoused that complacency is a dangerous thing for an addict but I hadn't experienced that kind of stress in many years . Despite knowing I was likely to be triggered , I was not prepared for how strongly it actually manifested . The events that led to it were no mere crappy day at the office . It was a lot of really bad things happening one right after the other .

I understand the "why" of it . I am also very , very grateful that I have this forum for support and for a sounding board . Not wanting to let you all down played no small role in my walking away from temptation . You guys keep me strong .

One of the worst days I had lately was when I found out that a lump in my neck was not cancer, but a non-cancerous growth, and to celebrate I went to the casino. Starting off winning, then started losing, and then went on tilt. I was so happy not having cancer did not care. That made NO sense a few days later. After a while you fall in love with the game or action and forget that you initially came to win a little. It is a devious business. I am still at a loss understanding why our government allows such a scourge to be legal. It is ripping the economic heart out of many neighborhoods. I know until casinos showed up in my immediate area I had no problem with going to Atlantic City a few times a month and not getting into trouble. When casinos are easily reached they become problems for many. Just my take and I will go back to sleep.

1wiserman wrote:One of the worst days I had lately was when I found out that a lump in my neck was not cancer, but a non-cancerous growth, and to celebrate I went to the casino. Starting off winning, then started losing, and then went on tilt. I was so happy not having cancer did not care. That made NO sense a few days later.

Its amazing how the addiction convinces us to gamble for the most absurd reasons. If we are having a lousy day, we can make a reason to gamble. If we are having a great day, we can make a reason to gamble. I remember when I just had laser eye surgery the day before and was still recovering, I convinced myself that I should go gamble because I could now see the cards better. Seemed rational at the time, but totally absurd when the fog lifted. Goes to show how resilient this demon is.