From a Computer Science Student to a disaster

Hi there!

I'm new here and i hope that listening to your thoughts will help me and make me feel better because right now i'm feeling like everything is falling apart from my life.
I'm 24 and my life is a disaster right now. I was raised as a normal kid (not so poor but not rich also). Right now i'm studying Computer Science and Enginnering and i'm in the final year.
My nightmare started 2 years ago when i started to work for an IT company as a software developer. Well, my first money, where medium salary here is 400-500$ i started with 600$/month, pretty good for a beginner, i'm from europe and not a very rich country (living in Bucharest, Romania). Here in my city is a poker club where started the nightmare for me. I remember the first night before the day i took my first salary, i lost everything playing cash game, i knew a little about poker. Of course, i was devastated and very frustrated. That happened 2 years ago. Now my salary is about $1.5K and i'm doing the same. I just cannot quit gambling, i'm also playing sporting bets and machine slots. My parents know a little but they just tell me "just to stop" like they can't understand this is a disease, they just tell me it's my choice. In fact, it is my choice to keep playing, but something is happening with my brain and i CAN'T stop. Yes, you heard it right. The moment i lose everything like how it happened the past 2 years, i realise how stupid and fool i am and i promise myself that won't happen again, but guess what? happens AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN... When i don't have the money, everything is perfect, but the day i get my salary everything it becomes a disaster and i lose all. And of course you have money to live and i have a lot of debts, like over $2-3K and this is killing me.
It's killing me the fact that i know i have a problem and i don't know how to stop it. Also i'm very proud and i don't know if going to a doctor will help.
GAMBLING took away my friends, my last gf and now i think i can't finish my faculty because i'm very depressed, frustrated and i'm feeling everyday like i just wanna kill myself. I don't know how much i can keep going with this. Everyday should be a blessed day, but guess what? For me it's a nightmare.
I don't know what happiness is and i feel like i'm living for nothing, in fact, i don't know my purpose on this earth. Before all of this started, i had dreams, now i only have a darkness that i don't understand. The only thing that keeps me alive right now is my passion for programming.
I just keep losing money, everyday, i just keep losing everything and this IT'S ######6 KILLING ME! I After losing all my salary to gambling, of course i need money to survive so i borrow and when i have to get them back, guess what? i don't have. The fact that i owe people money it destroys me.
All my dreams and everything good in my life is gone.
What is this ######6 life? Why is this happening to me? What i did wrong? I killed people? No. I make people feeling bad or ruined someone's life? NEVER. Then why the hell am i going thru this nightmare.

Life is so unfair!

I watched a lot of motivational videos, i read a lot about gambling addiction. I TRIED EVERYTHING BUT NOTHING CAN HELP ME! I really don't know what to do next.

From a very good programmer and a computer science engineering student, now all my dreams and my life is destroyed.

Gambling addiction completly DESTROYED my life and i'm so lost.

I would really appreciate if you wanna tell me anything, thank you!

Welcome RobertM16 ,

I'm sorry you are struggling with this addiction and you are not alone . It is possible to stop gambling but I will tell you now - it is hard work and it's an unpleasant process in the beginning .

You cannot wish an addiction away and there is no simple solution . Like any other addict , you will go through a very difficult and mentally exhausting battle in the first few months . There is a huge difference between wanting to be free and fighting to be free . You need to be ready to make the commitment to not gamble and you need a battle plan .

I made lists of things I could do instead of gambling like read a book , watch a movie , go out for a walk or go visit friends and family . I tried them all and kept the ones that worked .

I cut off my access to cash . I set up auto-payment at my bank for rent and bills . I cut up my credit cards and my bank card . I left myself about $10-20 a week for emergencies ( that honestly , never happened ) and bought gift cards for food and gas ( they cannot be redeemed for cash ) .

I told a close friend how bad my problem really was . That was really hard but after I did it , it felt like 1000 pounds was lifted from my shoulders . It gave me someone to talk to when the urges were bad and it helped me stay strong to know that someone was watching . I didn't want to let them down .

This is a battle for your life . You have the strength within you to stop this now and never go back .

Yes , life is unfair . But becoming addicted to gambling doesn't mean you are a bad person . None of us here are bad people . We're good people with a bad disease and we're all fighting the same fight . We'll help you all we can .

Hi RobertM16, you are here and reaching out for help indicate to me that you know deep down in your heart gambling will destroy you and it is never too late to stop.

Do not be convinced that nothing can help you, that is the addiction speaking but all the knowledge that you have and ways to stop gambling are useless if there is no action.

You are still very young and can choose to have a brighter future, be a non gambler.
As NSR said “This is a battle for your life . You have the strength within you to stop this now and never go back .“

Quote
plasticity
the capability of being molded, receiving shape, or being made to assume a desired form: the plasticity of social institutions.  

Studies reveal adolescence to be a period of heightened “ plasticity ” during which the brain is highly influenced by experience. 
-- Laurence Steinberg, "The Case for Delayed Adulthood," New York Times , September 19, 2014 Unquote

Welcome to the forum Robert,

I am sorry to hear that your struggling and your story is similar to many of ours on the forum. NSR is right, it really is a fight for our survival and we can't treat it any less than that. I know that you feel like nothing is working because you end up going back to gamble soon after. I know that you will often look forward to getting paid so that you can gamble (and lose it soon afterwards). I know that the only 'gamble free' time you have is when you have no money. This is very common with gambling addiction but there is always a path to recovery. Right now you may think nothing works since you haven't been been successful, but you need to keep searching and trying different things.
I would say the top three things you can try are:
1. Self-exclusion
2. Get a parent to manage finances
3. Try a support ground (GA is the most popular)

There is a thread on the forum with tons of useful strategies and I hope you take some time to read them! If you have any other questions, we are always here We are ALL fighting the same addiction.

I can totally relate. I am a 48 year old software engineer in silicon valley making almost $170K per year. However by betting on stock options I lost almost $500K over the last 15 years. In 2017 I made $280K profit to recoup losses from previous years ($290K) and then bet big and lost $500K in 2018 and 2019. I did lots of research and found many problem gamblers also suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder which I feel fits me. A core BPD symptom is impulsiveness, that is unable to control the urge. Another is frequent outburst against your close partners. I lost my first girlfriend due to that and have been in mild depression every since.

I felt immense guilt to my wife and kids. Now I surrendered all by bank card and credit cards and pay to my wife. You NEED to cut off your money and like someone said let your parent receive your salary and they buy the food and pay rent for you. Then you NEED to see a psychologist specializing in addictions and maybe BPD's to give you counseling. You can still rebuild your future while young.

Welcome Camelcai ,

I'm glad that you've taken steps to overcome your gambling addiction . I want to stress that BPD and other personality disorders can have many shared traits . It is imprudent ( and against forum rules ) to suggest that gambling addiction is an indication or result of any PD . Only a mental health professional is qualified to diagnose .

That said , handing over financial control is one of the key steps we suggest to new members here . It's a critical roadblock that works . Kudos to you for that proactive action .

I agree with you - the OP can absolutely go on to an immensely productive and successful life if they can get this under control now . I hope they're doing OK .