Breaking the cycle...

Hi everyone, I've posted on here a while back (on a different alias) and thought I'd provide an update.

I've been gambling for the last 10 years (between ages of 20 to 30), and things didn't get too serious until the last 5 years since working full time (although the red flags were there from my uni days). The vicious cycle continues and I'm at a stage of my life where either this addiction destroys me for good or I fight back and take back control of my life.

NSR is an absolute gem on here and I truly applaud you for your dedication to supporting members on here on an ongoing basis; I remember you gave me some excellent advice a few years back. I can completely relate to the fact that the addiction is a lifelong affliction and that it will do absolutely ANYTHING to get me back into just one more bet. And the more times I give in to it, the more my brain just accepts that I will give in at some point so giving in doesn't seem like a big deal. I end up totally losing trust in myself know that I've told myself I'll stop literally hundreds of times and it has never been the truth. I've done the lot - online, casinos (poker, blackjack, roulette) and recently sports betting has done a number on me. But regardless of the type of gambling, the internal struggles remain the same and that lingering voice to drag me back in is always there.

What I've learned so far from the last 5 years:

~No matter how much I win or think I can be a "winning gambler" the long term outcome is always the same. I'll end up losing more.
~There is no such thing as being "cured" - I've had a couple of periods of 6-12 months where I was completely gamble free - but when it came back, it returned with a fury. All it took was a small slip up, a stressful trigger or moment of complacency and I'm straight back into the vicious cycle;
~It's ok to accept that I'm an addict, that I have a problem, that I cannot control my gambling or do it with moderation. In fact, I need to accept this in order to move on.

My first goal is to just get through the month of March without a single bet. I know this will be hard road and I have failed many times before. Recently I haven't been able to go more than 3-4 days without being convinced by the addiction to have one more bet. But I want to be able to trust myself and feel like I'm actually in control of my life. Looking back over the last 5 years and seeing at how gambling has played such a significant role in it - the amount of financial, emotional and physical stress it has put me through...really made me realize that I don't want my 30s to be a repeat of that.

So this is my new day one and hopefully I can provide you guys with some positive updates in the future.

Welcome back Mpppp2019 ,

I'm glad to see you back on the forum ! Recovery is a long road and it's good to hear that your feet are still on it . Thank you for your inspiring words - there is much wisdom in them , even if it has been painfully gained .

It's time to fight again and we're with you .

Thanks NSR! I hope one day too to be able to have turned my past pains into future wisdom.

That’s one day gambling free for me. It was tough as it always is near the start but I’m not going to give in. My focus now is simply to make it through a full week. If I can do a full week then I can do a full month, which is my first short term goal. But I’m taking it one day at a time.

4 days clean so far. Definitely had some strong urges (particularly upon waking up in the morning) with my addiction feeding me a different excuse every day why I should have another bet. Thankfully the logical side of my brain has shut down each of those falsehoods so far. Crunch time for me as it’s been a while since I’ve made it to even one full week of no gambling. I’m gonna keep fighting this one day at a time.

Stay strong Mpppp ! You will make it through this . It may feel like Hell but even this is better than the Hell you were in . It will pass and every day will find you a little bit stronger , the urge to gamble a little bit weaker .

After my first gamble-free months , I was actually surprised to find that I was going for days at a time without getting any urges or even thinking about gambling at all . I concentrated on filling up my free time ( boredom was a huge trigger for me ) . Reading helped me tremendously . I tried new recipes and started walking around my neighborhood when the weather was nice .

I'll be honest - there were times when nothing I did could distract me from the urge to gamble . All I could do was grit my teeth and vow to make through the day . It was not fun . Damned unpleasant , actually . But you know what ? It didn't kill me .

On the other hand , giving in to the addiction's demands would have almost certainly done so in the long run . I was seriously considering ending it all when I made my last attempt at quitting . At the time , I only half-believed I'd succeed and I truly felt that if I failed again , there was really no point in going on living . Those were my darkest days .

Something clicked then . Whether it was because of some deep , primal survival instinct or or just the sheer number of attempts I made , finally taking hold . I don't really know . But even now , I don't think I would've laid down and let the addiction take me . I don't have that in me . I don't think you do either .

Thank you so much for your inspiring words! Today was the first “grit my teeth to make it through” kind of day. A little bit of stress at work and an unexpected expense coupled with watching some sports results had my addiction roaring back to life today. It used every trick in the book to get me...to the point I had the cash in hand standing in front of the betting terminal ready to have a “small bet” because surely that’s ok right? But it wasn’t going to get me today! I stepped back and walked away and put that money straight back into my bank account. Somehow...in that moment of madness I knew that any bet would have been absolutely the wrong move. Even if I won it would be a loss. I realised winning was to not bet at all. One week clean now but damn it was hard mentally. But I’m going to keep battling and hope that the urges will reduce over time. Hearing stories like yours NSR gives me hope and I want more than anything to be able to reach that moment of clarity and to be able to possess the mental fortitude that not only wins these daily battles, but the lifelong war against this addiction.

Bravo !

That is a victory to be proud of . I had that moment at a casino . I sat in my car for over an hour in the parking lot with the addiction literally screaming inside my head to " JUST GO IN !!! JUST DO IT !!!! " .

I still don't know where I found the strength to turn the key and drive away . Within 15 minutes of driving off , the voice quieted and I made myself sing along with the radio all the way home just to fill my head with something other than thoughts about gambling . It was a revelation to realize not only my own strength but the strength of my addiction to compel me .

I remember being shaken by the fact that I had so very nearly lost that battle . Indeed , it was the dawning of my understanding that it was a battle . I desperately needed to stop gambling and my own brain was fighting my decision to quit . That hammered home exactly what I was up against .

It's war , Mpppp . The winner gets control of your life . It's that simple and it's that serious .

Battle on , my friend .

I always loved the craps table, but it does not love me and so a few months ago I banned myself for all three casinos in an adjoining state. That did not work. Eventually I went to another adjoining state to a casino I had not been in for months and resumed trying to be a "controlled" gambler. Of course initially I won some, but then lost and started chasing and we all know that story. It is impossible for me to understand why we need to do this activity when we all know we will lose it all and more eventually. I now realize that for me the answer is to simply not go into a casino. I only play one game, craps, no on line stuff, no sports betting, but craps is a very addictive adrenalin driven game. Obviously there are many psychological forces at work here and needs each of us is trying to satisfy.
I usually feel really dumb after going there, but in a few weeks recover, feel healthy, and say one can just play through the run of bad luck. Yesterday I play 12 hours straight. I am going to accept the challenge of stopping this bad habit and at least live the rest of my life clean even though the "ups" will me missed the "downs" will never be experienced again. As any gambler knows the downs are a hell of a lot worse that the ups are good. Just my take. I used to snicker at folks with drinking and drug problems and thing they were weak. I now have a different perspective. We are all vulnerable, but knowing this makes us stronger. I see many in the casinos who are addicted and do not realize it yet. Just my take. I do understand all you folks that have trouble staying away.

It's a hard thing to admit to ourselves that we have no control over our own actions . I was raised with the expectation that I would be a responsible , respectable adult when I came of age and made my way into the world . And so I was , up until the point when I began gambling .

I desperately clung to the belief that I could control my gambling simply because the idea that I was out of control was unthinkable . Acceptance of my addiction as something greater than a bad habit was very hard for me . I too thought of those with other addictions as " weak " . I understand now that weakness is not even a factor . Addiction changed my brain and the way it works . I am of the belief that the change is permanent , much like a traumatic brain injury would be .

I have to live and function with my new reality - that in moments of stress or complacency there will always be something in my brain that urges me back into addicted behavior even though I know it will ruin me mentally , emotionally and financially . This is an irrefutable fact , proven by countless failed attempts to gamble "normally" . It is easier to just accept myself as I am - a person with a gambling addiction who has at last regained control of it .

NSR, very salient point that I have never really considered. Admit an addiction and realize that one must not engage in any type of gambling whatsoever. The word "habit" is not strong enough. This plagued me as far back as college when I had to graduate one quarter late because I received a "D" in my major due to playing poker all the time. Just one example of many many including getting caught in a raid and spending a night in the Lock Up and that stuff was way back before I discovered the "legit" casinos. Not whining, but it is a hard truth. Will just have to suck it up and go cold turkey.
I have done it before for extended periods of time, but always slipped back. The trick is never to slip back. We are smart enough to know what to do, but are we smart enough to do it.