Day 1 blues

Day 1: Why is it that gamblers have SUCH a short-term memory. I left the casino in the early hours of this morning feeling like garbage because I had won a bit of money and then plowed it all back into the machines. I can ill afford it because I've been unemployed for a while now. Self exclusion passed through my mind as I left, but then I decided against it. I've self excluded several times before only to sneak in again and be charged with trespassing.

I came straight on here this morning, ready to make public my this attempt to change. I unsubscribed from the marketing emails from the casino and set about my day with resolve. Hardly six hours after leaving the casino, thoughts of the next visit crept into my head. I understand that gambler's remorse is a thing, but this is ridiculous. I need to build up some good time away from the madness, and lately I've had trouble managing three or four days of not gambling.

Frustrating!!!

The first months are the hardest . They are also the time when we are the most vulnerable to the resistance tactics of the the addiction .

Please understand this - addiction doesn't want to die . Like a living thing , it will fight for its survival by any means possible . In our case , that involves bombarding our brains with demands to be fed , lies and fantasies designed to convince us that we have a chance . This is a progressive disease - the longer you do it , the worst it gets and the harder it is to overcome .

Despite being proven wrong again and again , the internal voice hammers us until we give in just to make it stop . That in turn only reinforces the fact that the incessant nagging will produce the results the addiction wants . It's amazingly similar to the tactics that a toddler uses in an attempt to get what it wants . It's meant to wear you down until are too exhausted to fight it anymore . It's incredibly effective and it takes a massive effort to break its hold over us . But it CAN be done .

SweetLife , it is a long and uncomfortable process . There were days when I thought I was going to lose my mind with the constant screaming/promising/cajoling from voice in my head . Read the strategies thread ( again , if you already have ) . Commit to this fight . Start by making a decision , not by hoping you might be able to stop this time . Not by saying " I need some time away ." but by saying " I am stopping this insanity now . I will not live this way anymore ."

Be strong . Come here and post every day if you need support , advice or just somewhere to vent . We're here for you .

Commitment. NSR, I have given your words much thoughts. You raised my awareness of my words and how they don't sound very convincing. Speaking of "taking some time away", sounds a bit like taking a vacation from gambling. As I thought through the commitment issue, I realize that I am too soft in my approach. At this point, I question my commitment. I stop for a few days and then I'm right back at it. Granted, I keep my spending to a limit, but I shouldn't be there at all. I have much going on in my life right now, most of it negative. I have much to turn around and I wonder if I'm ready to take on this fight. I've done it before, but haven't got much beyond six months and that was a long time ago. I'm tired as I am writing this in the wee hours, and I'm not sure if I'm making much sense.

At this point, staying away from gambling is a minute by minute venture. I had a small victory tonight though. I was going to the grocery store for a quick shop and then thought I could pop into the casino for a quick few spins. It would have to be quick because I was expected home within a certain time frame. Normally, once this thought popped up, I would not be able to stop the train. However tonight I thought, "Nah, just not worth the aggravation". So I went about my business and came home safe and sound. A small victory ... but a victory nonetheless.

I will always remember the countless time when I feel so bless when I wrestle with the terrible urges to step into the casinos to have a “look see” and decide that it is going to cost way too much and head home instead after groceries shopping, running errands, eating out or visiting friends. I too feel safe and sound when I reach home just like you SweetLife and felt a sense of victory.

I must have failed many hundreds time but all the small victories add up and the desire to gamble start to diminish.

Celebrate that little victory TSL . Like RainbowColor knows - they add up .

I'll be honest with you - there are days when my addiction tries to convince me that I'm "cured" and I can now gamble like non-addicted people do - have some fun , enjoy a few cheap thrills and then walk away , win or lose . And a tiny part of me still wants to believe that it's true .

But I have fallen for that BS so many times before and the results were always the same - financial ruin , depression and a massive beating to my self-esteem . Every.single.time. I might have a scrap of the illusion of control for a time or two , but my inevitable spiral into a mindless money-destroying slot machine junkie happens rapidly and without pause or mercy .

It's a hard thing to come to grips with the fact that your own brain is lying to you . Here is something I came across online one day ( para-phrased since I can't cite a source ). I think it's a perfect illustration of how gambling addiction operates .

The Little Voice

I came home from work one day , depressed and hating my job and my life . A Little Voice in my head said " This sucks . You need to quit your job , sell your house and get out of this town . " I though about it for a while and decided I needed a change and that was as good a plan as any . I quit my job the next day and put my house up for sale . It sold in 2 weeks and I got $300,000 for it .

The Little Voice said " Take all your money , buy plane ticket to Vegas and book yourself into the fanciest hotel on the Strip . It's time to put some excitement back into your life ." Well , I needed a vacation and I said what the Hell - I deserve to take a break and have some fun for a change . So I did just that .

When the plane touched down in Vegas , I hopped into a cab and the Little Voice said " Go straight to the Belagio and find the high stakes roulette table . This is your lucky day ! Put everything you've got on Black 28 . You can't go wrong ."

I did as it told me . I stood watching at the table , my heart pounding in my chest as the wheel slowly came to a stop and the small white ball landed on ...Red 7 .

The Little Voice said " Damn..." .

Thanks for your post, NSR. That is a horrifying story. I don't know if or when I will ever change my brain or commit to this process fully. It didn't take very long for me to go back to the casino last night. I stayed all night long until 7:30 a.m. I just got home. I was up quite a bit, but of course, lost it all. Par for the course. Left the casino vowing that this was the last. Since I went with a limited amount, I didn't lose a huge sum, but I did have a massive argument with my husband who is trying very hard to hold our household together since I'm not working. What a selfish wretch I am. I'm going to sleep and then start over upon awakening.

TSL

I'm sorry you're still struggling TSL .

TheSweetLife wrote:I don't know if or when I will ever change my brain or commit to this process fully.

What will you have to lose before you decide to fight back ? Your marriage ? Your family's trust ? Your self-respect ? If you feel like you've already lost those things , I want to tell you now - it can , and will , get worse . Gambling addiction has one of the highest suicide rates of any addiction .

This is a quote from and 2012 internet article by writer Chris Wright , entitled " How Gambling Addiction Can Kill You Faster Than Drug Abuse or Alcoholism "

Of all the destructive habits in the world, gambling would seem to be one of the more benign. It doesn't blow out your liver. It won’t make your nose cave in. Even after the most appalling run of bad luck, you can be reasonably sure that you won't be carted away, having expired with a mouth full of vomit. No harm done. It's only money.

You can keep telling yourself this until the moment you kick the chair out from under you.

For the majority of addictions, how much you spend is regulated by how much the body can endure. There is only so much heroin, cocaine or vodka you can consume before you end up in a hospital or a morgue. Gambling is subject to no such constraints. “The amount of financial devastation you can wreak plays a big role in this,” says Keith Whyte, the NCPG Executive Director. “You can bet $50,000 in a single hand, every minute.”Suicide rates among gambling addicts are staggeringly high. The National Council on Problem Gambling (NCPG) has estimated that one in five problem gamblers attempt to kill themselves, about twice the rate of other addictions. The reasons for this fact are both blindingly simple and impossibly complicated. And the central befuddling fact is this: Gambling kills you because it doesn't kill you.

Please , please reach out for help in real life . Find a GA meeting and go there . Ask you husband to go with you . You are not alone in this . You do not have to live this way , controlled by a mindless destructive compulsion to gamble . There is hope and there is healing for those of us who are willing to fight for it . You have the strength to be free of this , whether you feel it right now or not .

Take back your life .

Hi SweetLife, how are you holding up?

I asked myself the question "Why do I have such a short memory regarding gambling"? many many times. There have been times that I was 100% convinced that THIS time it was enough and that I was going to make it. And two weeks later I was sitting in the casino again, spending my paycheck within a couple of hours, leaving me with nothing for the rest of the month.

We keep going back to the same actions with the same outcome because we are stuck in routine. It does not matter how much money you win, because your brain is expecting the same outcome and more gambling will follow until all your money (or budget) is gone.

It is not about understanding why gambling is bad for you or being convinced that you should change. We already know that, because we see the horrors of our addiction every time again. But because we are stuck in a routine, we automatically will think about gambling or turn to gambling because we have no different options wired in our brains.

It is time to create a new path into your brain by making a different choice when you get an urge to gamble. You don't have to ACT on this urge, you will have to try to replace your gambling with something different that can make you feel good. For me that is working out or go outside for a long walk.

The next time when you get an urge to gamble, try to stop/freeze that moment and really think about what you are about to do and what will happen if you will gamble. If you can manage to do something else instead of gambling, you will get a huge boost of confidence because you are fighting back! This will get easier over time, until we reach a point were we created a new routine and a new habit.

It is not easy, I am struggling myself, but I really believe that everyone can do it if they tackle this disease the right way. Get help if you don't manage to get out of it by yourself.

I wish you all the best.