Journal entries

Every once in a while I write about my gambling addiction, one day not long ago this is what I wrote:
Muster up the energy to change
throw my life away - not anymore
its my choice and choices are difficult
don’t spend my life in hell(casino) or prison
it is getting progressively worse
it is beyond desperation
I am a zombie
nothing to look forward to
no hopes, no dreams
where did my energy go
I live without living
exist without existing
there is no path to follow
no meaning, no hope, no glory, no happiness
everyday I think to myself is this all there is
My daughter(I removed her name for this forum) is it - I live for her otherwise

the secrets, the shadows, the truth

I vow to change for you my daughter (and now grandson)
FYI - my daughter is 33, married and pregnant

What do you think? Any feedback

I think it will be a reminder of the lows and a reminder of why I don't want to and cannot gamble. A reminder of how close I have come to disaster and how even one really bad choice can lead to disaster.

I so relate to those feelings, NewLife2017. At my lowest, the realization that I had no path to follow struck a nerve so hard that the only reason I didn't kill myself was because of two very caring and understanding men at my first GA meeting. Cried and let it all out for 2 hours and it was everything I needed at that moment in my life. Gambling convinced me that I was a lonely, desperate zombie, but that's not who I am at all.

Hi NewLife2017: I really enjoyed your writing. It evokes a great deal of darkness and pain that I believe many of us suffer. The part where you say you have nothing to look forward to should change when your little grand baby arrives. I'm sure he will renew your energy and resolve and give you a stronger sense of purpose. Thank you for sharing.

TSL

I'll tell you the story of my grandson and granddaughter.
When I was around 55, my daughter told me I was about to become a grandfather. It hit me a bit by surprise, and my reaction was not what might have been expected. My daughter said later my reaction was not seemingly very happy, and I did recall thinking to myself, "I'm too young to be a grandfather!" ("I don't want to be a grandfather yet!")
I told this to a co-worker later that week,and she said, "oh, you don't know it now, but when your grandbaby comes, you're going to love it." Well, as the saying goes, truer words were never spoken....
Also, as I was approaching my retirement, I would dream often about what I was going to do when it finally came.....mostly I thought about travelling to different parts of the world and just enjoy life.
Well, there's another saying I heard which goes something like, "Life is what happens when you're on your way to doing something else."
To make a long story shorter, when my grandson was born, and a couple years later my granddaughter, I just fell completely in love with them, and devoted most of my time to being a babysitter grandfather; even into their grade school years, when I would pick them up from school, bring them home, and help with their homework. So my retirement plans of travelling were put on hold for many years as I stuck around and watched them grow.
The main part of this story which makes me pretty proud of myself, is that, it helped me to really cut back drastically on my gambling, and I started putting most of the money I would normally gamble away. into savings accounts for them.
I just made up my mind that I would rather contribute to their futures rather than to the casinos.
I tell you this story because, maybe like me, having your grandson will make you realize that there's a lot better things to do with your money than giving it to the casinos or whoever you're gambling it away to. That is my hope for you.

That was a touching story 58gambling and I've also found it true that sometimes the strength to better myself came from caring so much about the ones I love . There are changes I've made in my life , not so much for my own personal reasons but to be able to give my best self to my family .

Enjoy those grandchildren . They deserve a happy , gamble-free grandparent .

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I appreciate your support. The baby is due March 17th, so he should be here soon. I am looking forward to being a grandma. My daughter lives in a different stat in the U.S. than I live, so I am planning a visit April 1-6th.