Remembering the Last Time you gambled

I'm with you HappyBean . Sometimes we don't even have to dig very deep .

I'm having a rough time myself right now - a death in the family , hating my job at the moment and just plain overworked . The death hit me hard . I've been getting a resurgence of intrusive gambling thoughts and finding myself having to use strategies that I had long ago lost the need for .

I'm glad I have them now though . I understand why renewed assault is happening , but even knowing that it's because of fatigue , frustration and great sadness doesn't stop me from longing to go and hide from it .

As much as I hate to admit it - I walked into a casino the other day and stood there for about 5 minutes looking at the slot machines . I left almost immediately but all the way home I was asking myself " Why did I even do that ? " It felt like I had just stuck my foot in a pool of full of piranhas and then pulled it out again . Part of my brain was saying " See ? Nothing bad happened ." while the rest of my brain was yelling " Why would you take a risk like that , you idiot ?! " .

Sigh ...not my finest moment but it is what it is . If nothing else , it reinforces for me that my recovery is truly one day at a time and it can be gone in an instant if I allow it . Yeah - it's still hard sometimes between the knowing and the doing .

I'm not giving up either .

I am so glad that you made it out of the casino without a single bet NSR that is quite a challenge and I admire your courage and honesty.

I agree with you that recovery is truly one day at a time and for us addicted gambler, one bet is too many and a thousand bet is not enough.

I too brought my body to the casinos many time after staying away for months even when my brain said no. It usually happen when I am very happy, sad or stressed, it just felt like I have to visit an “old friend” but I am happy that I finally got it and have to let this “friend” go so that I can live the good life.

Thank you for your support RC . It's a challenging time for me but I know I'll get through it .

Gambling or even thinking about gambling will not make anything better . I find that I'm experiencing a combination of being surprised yet not surprised . It feels like years of being addicted has left me with a sort of divided brain and I only really have control over one part of it . It's disconcerting .

When I started fighting back against my compulsion to gamble , I wanted to believe that if I could overcome it then everything would go back to normal - like I had never had an addiction at all . In time I came to understand that for me , this will never be possible . Despite that , it's been unsettling and frankly scary to realize that this thing is still so close to the surface . I try to remind myself that everything that happens to me can be a learning moment , even if the lesson is painful .

In my entire time of trying to quit gambling and looking for an online resource or site, this is the best site I had encountered so far.

For those newbies, who are still struggling with gambling issues, please take the time to read through this forum, I assure you, it will greatly help. Post your feelings, your comments, your stories.
Some day you will look back at this and see that these were the days of your turning point.

I thought of sharing this for the sake of those still facing the tough challenge of quitting:
"Even if you fail the 1000th time, picking yourself up and rise for the 1001th time"

Life has more to offer than just placing some bets around, looking at winning a few bucks and feeding the addiction. Look for something better to do, there is a lot of causes that you can give your time or money rather than indulging yourself in self-destructive hobbies. Pick up the healthier hobbies.

Signing off for now. God bless.
RIcardo

NewSunRising wrote:As much as I hate to admit it - I walked into a casino the other day and stood there for about 5 minutes looking at the slot machines

Oh my, I almost fainted when I read this. You've been so good with your recovery. After thinking about your experience, it gives me more hope. You were able to walk into the casino, be exposed to it, and still walk out of it without gambling.

I'm glad you shared this experience with us.

-- Sat Mar 30, 2019 12:34 pm --

RicardoG wrote:In my entire time of trying to quit gambling and looking for an online resource or site, this is the best site I had encountered so far.

This is good to know. Some sections of Psychforums have been silent for a while now, but I'm glad the Gambling section is still alive and well.

NewSunRising wrote:I'm having a rough time myself right now - a death in the family , hating my job at the moment and just plain overworked . The death hit me hard . I've been getting a resurgence of intrusive gambling thoughts and finding myself having to use strategies that I had long ago lost the need for .

Sorry to hear about your situation, NewSunRising!

May you find abundant positive energy, people, and experiences to cleanse the recent negativity in your life!

Thank you FM - it's been a rough time and the support I've been getting as helped greatly . I know this will pass . Just gotta hang on tight to my recovery - I can lose it all , but I cannot lose that .

RottenFish wrote:

NewSunRising wrote:As much as I hate to admit it - I walked into a casino the other day and stood there for about 5 minutes looking at the slot machines

Oh my, I almost fainted when I read this. You've been so good with your recovery. After thinking about your experience, it gives me more hope. You were able to walk into the casino, be exposed to it, and still walk out of it without gambling.

I'm glad you shared this experience with us.

RF , I really felt awful afterwards . Like , guilty and ashamed that I let my guard down enough to be lured in there . It served no purpose , it wasn't a "test" of my willpower . It was just me being overwhelmed by the need to hide from the stuff that was making me so unhappy .

I used to go hide in the casino to escape from all my problems and unhappiness . But after I walked out , it was all there waiting for me . And now I was broke too .

I am looking forward now . I have things to do , a purpose in life , people and experiences that bring me joy . I do not consider this a triumph but a near relapse and I will forgive myself for it but I will not let myself forget it .

so glad you did not give in to that urge to gamble NSR. after so many years gamble free please don't throw all the hard work away.
Speaking for myself I read your posts many times and you have been a big help in my recovery (107 days gf now) you can't imagine. I very much look up to you so don't let me down. Wishing to you the very best.

Thank you Happy Bean . This forum and folks like you help me stay strong . As much as I warn against it , I feel I did get complacent to an extent . After 4 years of recovery , it was easy to fool myself into thinking I'm bulletproof .

Well no surprise - extreme stress and grief blew that belief right out of the water . I am back on track now . I returned to the tools and methods I used in my early days of recovery . I felt a little like a kid that had to learn to tie her shoelaces again . It was humbling .

I learned a valuable lesson from this . My addiction was at it strongest when I was at my most vulnerable and it will always be that way .

I am grateful for your support .