what the pain feels like-how to change

I wrote this to myself on my 2nd day of recovery:

I am up early feeling depressed. I woke up feeling that I wish I was dead. I have always made a distinction between wishing you were dead and wanting to kill yourself but I don’t really think they are very different. I didn’t gamble yesterday, so I have 24 hours clean. Big deal. Now, I have to face my demons. I am worried about the future of my family. My work is producing little income and I have a lot of debt. When you pay little attention to work for so long, you can’t expect your career to grow and flourish.
It is Sunday and everyone is asleep and I am all alone. In fact, I have felt all alone for a long time. Gambling will do that to you. After a while, there is no one to tell your stories too. People look at you like you are crazy and you are. They think what they could have done with the money you just threw away, and they generally do not understand the addiction. I can’t tell my wife, as I have been lying to her about gambling for so long, she might want me out. Even if she didn’t want me out, she would worry all the time, and I don’t want that. She already has a slew of physical problems and cares for children 24/7. The strain on her would be too much.

All these frustrations, disappointments, and fears bottled up inside like a pressure cooker waiting to explode. So many times, after a gambling episode, I have said to myself, What have I done? Now, I am looking at my life and I am asking the same question. Like I said before, fear is the number one emotion for me.

Today should be an easy day not to gamble for me. The banks are closed and I have access to very little money. No bullets in the gun. Plus, it is Sunday and we are supposed to spend time together as a family. Tomorrow starts a new week and I am away from the house and my wife, I have access to a little money and I have to deal with regular life. So, tomorrow should be more challenging. However, a compulsive gambler trying to quit must always think about today-even sometimes the next 5 minutes. I have played the lottery before when I go into a gas station to pump gas. So, I always have to be watchful, persistent, dedicated, and careful. A little thing like buying some lottery tickets could set me off.

The questions I am asking myself are why does it have to take so long to face your addiction? After all the emotional lows that I have felt and self-hatred and disgust why couldn’t I come to terms earlier that I must stop gambling at all costs? Geez, I remember 25 about years ago walking down a long pier jutting out into Lake ____, looking up at the sky, talking to my deceased mother and placing my last losing ticket into the water and promising myself that this would be the last one, the last losing ticket. Then, I watched the losing ticket slowly sink into the murky waters. If only that was really the last of it! I can’t even imagine the difference in my life without gambling for a year, let alone twenty five years.

Maybe some of these questions will answer themselves over time. I really don’t need to know the answers today. Today, I need to have a positive day free from my addiction.

Hi Notlookingback,

I know what pain and fear you must be facing now. I have been in that same boat before.

You must take steps to amend your life. Start today, don't delay. Get yourself fixed.
Join a local GA group, reach out for support. You can't do it on your own. Make the change.

The pain will fade away. Don't think of the past.

I remember making vows before and thinking how my life would be if I had quit gambling many years ago, but when I "woke up", I knew that the thought of that was pointless.

So take positive steps to be gamble-free. This forums have countless of sharing and steps which you can take to achieve that. Don't delay, ACT NOW!

Ricardo G,

Actually, that was from my journal on my 2nd day of recovery/stopping gambling. Today, I am 264 days clean. I an currently attending one Gamblers Anonymous meeting and one group therapy meeting a week with an addiction counselor.

Lol. No worries then.

-- Thu Sep 20, 2018 2:54 pm --

Congrats on being 264 days GF

Not looking back
THANK you for pulling that up. So powerful to compare the days of pain to the days in recovery.
I have a terminal disease, that is in remission. Little miracles are all around if I notice.

I hear so much regret in that long ago post. The time lost. The "what ifs".

We had a powerful step meeting here at GA last week. On step one.

The first question was
"have you forgiven yourself?"

A question that offered A LOT of insight for the group. Shares were so insighful.

BEST to you today.