Lost $130k, how do I move forward?

My store is short and simple. It is a perfect illustration of how this disease can creep up on you and cause major destruction before you know it. It all started in high school when I got hooked on the whole online poker craze. Back then online poker was legal in the US and I got completely addicted to it. During my undergrad years, I worked full time in the hotel industry and end up wasting every single hard earned dollar on gambling with online poker. I was so much i debt and overdrafted by thousands in the bank. I did a lot of shameful things out of desperation for money to feed my gambling addiction. This included stealing money from my parents, selling their jewelry and worst of all I sold my body for sexual service to other men (even though i'm heterosexual). My gambling addiction was as bad as heroine addiction.

Fast forward eight years later, I managed to give up my poker gambling addiction by being busy with graduate school and earning a doctoral degree in the medical field. I landed a nice career in the medical field and earn six figure salary. I'm very good at what I do in my profession and the thought of playing online poker does not interest me at all. So my story is a success? Not so fast.

I started planning my future and decided to open up a brokerage account with Fidelity. I'm considered by many to be above average intelligence and I thought with my medical knowledge I can "outsmart" others and started actively trading biotechnology and pharmaceutical stocks. Biggest mistake every. In a period of 1.5 years, I lost a total of $130,000. Looking back now, I was trading on very high stocks and the thrill that I got was eerily similar to my online poker days. I'm so upset at myself. I was convinced I buried this gambling addiction a long time ago. Right now, I have not traded stocks for 1 full week and I blocked all brokerage website from my computer. I also blocked all business channels to remove avoid temptation to get back in the stock market.

I'm still tempted everyday to try to "win back" my losses. This is the most dangerous part of a gambler. How do I mentally accept this loss and move on with my life? Periodically throughout the day, my brain keeps on telling me to jump back in the stock market and I have to close my eyes and tell myself not to do it.

Welcome Newbeginning18 , and well done for taking action to deal with this brutal addiction .

As you have discovered , the gambling urge is incredibly hard to overcome and it's not unusual for it to manifest itself in other forms , usually under the guise of " it's not really gambling " . Stock trading , bingo , scratch tickets - all of them may seem like lesser evils but the reality is that they can be just as addicting as any casino game and the destruction they can wreak is just as devastating .

I reckon I gambled away roughly $200,000 over seven years and the only thing that helped me deal with the losses was time in recovery . I still occasionally look back with a deep sense of regret and self-recrimination . But the past cannot be undone . I have no choice but to let it go and move forward . If I didn't , it would eat me up inside . I don't want to live my life kicking myself every day for something I cannot change . It isn't easy but it's vital for my peace of mind .

Are you completely gamble free right now? I'ts been 6 days sine I last traded stocks or even read about stocks. It's been a rough week but I made it through sheer determination. Like you said, hopefully the urge will slowly fade away with time. The hardest part is accepting the money loss and mentally give up on trying to win back.

Please be careful here. Sheer determination and will-power rarely fix this issue.
If it did, there wouldn't be any alcoholics (like me) either. I tried every which way I could to stop by myself and could not.
Understanding the disease of addiction, whatever it is that you may be addicted to, is fundamental for beginning recovery.
My disease began as an innocent social fancy and experimentation. It felt good at first, then became something I had to hide and was ashamed of. It took over my life. I lost untold opportunities, money and self-respect. I was hurting myself, my friends and my family.
The Anonymous 12-step programs helped me recover. We were all together there for the same reason and wanted just to get well. There is great power in numbers, like being here. I, by myself didn't have the answers. With the fellowship of the rooms and rigorous self-honesty, I was able to and continue to make it one day at a time.
Best of luck to you.

I am currently 3 years and 8 months gamble-free . I agree with Wally - 12 Step programs like GA ( in our case ) can be an invaluable source of support and I will always recommend them to those who are battling the disease of addiction .

In my case , I live overseas and there were no meetings available in my native language , nor were they reasonably close , so I did have to muscle through on my own . It was a longer and more difficult process , although this forum helped a lot . I had multiple relapses over a number of years and I absolutely believe my true recovery would have started much sooner if I had had access to GA .

Accepting the losses is a crucial part of beating this demon and it really is hard to do . The longer I went without gambling , the more strength I gained against the urges , including the urges to gamble and " get my money back " . My daily mantra was this quote from humorist author Jack Handey :

" If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava , let 'em go , because , man , they're gone ."

The truth behind the laughter got me through .

The not accepting the losses and moving on is what's digging me into a larger hole. I have finally decided to accept the loss forever. Mentally, I gave up on even trying to win $100 back. This actually helps. I keep on repeating in my head whenever I have the urge to day trade again "what's the point of trading, it's impossible to win the money back. GIVE IT UP!". I'm on Day 7 of GF and it feels much better now than at the beginning of the week.

That's great that it's easing up ! It does take time and effort . Gambling addiction does not give up without a fight . I still get "whispers" when I'm stressed or money gets tight . At this point in my recovery , I know it's just the addiction , trying to regain control over my life .

In my first attempt at recovery , I made it for 6 months before I let the disease convince me that I didn't reeeaally have a problem ( see ? you can stop anytime you want to ! ) , that I could gamble in control now as long as I followed a few self-imposed "rules" . That worked for about 3 months before I spiraled out of control so fast and so bad that I seriously considered ending my life .

I understand this now : every idea I get that gambling is a good , smart , fun thing to do is a LIE . It's just bait for the trap . I consider my addiction an almost living thing , permanently residing my brain , waiting for it's chance to get out of the cage I've put it in . It's not waiting passively either . It tries hard sometimes .

The good news is that every day of my recovery makes me stronger . The addiction no longer screams in my head . It's whispers are rare and dismissed with a wave of my hand . My old addicted life would seem like a bad dream if it weren't for the financial devastation that I was left with after it had been taken every dollar I had to feed it with . At 60 years old , I am still trying to make up for it and with retirement looming , it's a daunting task .

I'll make though , because every day I wake up with this thought : Today , I will not gamble .

You don't try and drink yourself out of being an alcoholic, you don't snort yourself out of a cocaine habit. Gambling is lethal because addicts genuinely think they can gamble their way out of it. It's pure insanity. On top of that it's the "invisible" addiction that kills.

https://www.gamblingindustry.co.uk/news ... ith-lives/


Check out this link and you might begin to be reminded or understand how serious this addiction is.

So, to short answer your questions how do u move forward after losing $130,000? You do it one day/one hour/one minute at a time without gambling. As time goes by, it hurts less. It's like having to break it off with someone you love. It hurts so bad at first, and you think about him/her all the time. As time goes by, you learn to live a different and hopefully better life. I have lost a lot of money, and to make it worse, there was a lot of tax issues which I hid from. I am doing better one day at a time.

I love your two previous posts Notlookingback

That analogy with a relationship is beautiful (I heard before in a group therapy session, but I was happily reminded of it by your post). Also, the uniqueness of the gambling addiction where we try to gamble our way our is so true. There were so many times I hoped that I could get out of this mess through gambling, but it brought be despair. Because of that and its ability to thrive in secrecy makes it the worse addiction.