my WARPED outlook

Thanks sunrising and notlooking... I appreciate it greatly. Today is day 8.... and I came unbelievably close to breaking but did not... I had the bookies app up on my phone and was checking the lines for College Football. Something made me not type in the numbers ..... as you all have advised I kind of managed to grit my teeth and not do it. I'm sure you all face the same struggles...and my situation is not unique to those reading this. But for me ... I really came close. I gave myself every rationalization I've got (which is quite a few)...

I appreciate the advice on having someone else take control of my money... for me it is just not an option. Sadly, I don't have anyone. And I own business that always gives me access.... to turn this off is simply not an option. (I don't have anyone I can trust...and no family).

That said... tomorrow is day 9 and I haven't gambled a dollar. This is not monumental... but I've never tried like this before... and Ive never communicated any of this to anyone else. So... here I sit.

Ilnat I wish I could take you for coffee, talk and maybe attend a Gamblers Anonymous meeting together. I know Gamblers Anonymous is not for everybody and just like anything, the individual meetings range in varying degrees of assistance. In fact, I rarely attend any more. However, when I first started fighting this addiction, what I learned, the strength that I gained, and the hopefulness and positivity that I was infused with was immeasurable. The reason I gained strength, hope and optimism was the people and stories of redemption that I heard. Certain principles also became the core of my thinking. One of them was that relying on will power alone eventually will fall prey to this addiction. We need individual help at time, we need to talk regularly with people who are overcomg this addiction and we need spirituality at times.

Notlookingback: Thanks for that great post! It was what I was thinking exactly; Many who come onto this forum start out by abstaining for as long as they can by themselves, but I believe (as you so aptly put), one cannot stand alone against this addiction. We all need help and accountability. If we try to do it alone and have no real accountability, it remains a secret and therefore very susceptible to relapse. I have consistently and persistently suggested that people should go to GA and try to find assistance there, because I know it really helps.

Admittedly, I didn't take well to the first meetings I attended at GA, but fortunately, there were many choices of locations in the metropolitan area I lived, so I went to quite a few different ones until I found one that I liked.

Every day, each day is a huge step to a better life. Accumulating them WILL change how you think. I promise. It gets better.

Something that helped me VERY much surrender to understanding that it is game over for me -- was the understanding and acceptance THERE IS NO NUMBER. I have NO NUMBER, no winning number or amount that would give me reprieve, allow me to walk away from gambling and live a great life. If I am honest and won some huge huge monster amount of money -- I would probably quit my job and visit, go to, stay in as many casinos as possible. Sure maybe a world tour -- but a gorgeous beach or any other amazing site would PALE in comparison to the "high" i'd get in casino.

And guess what? If I don't ever quit, I will be broke once again.

The tolerance will force bigger wagers for that "high". It is nuts. And THAT is when I finally got that it wasn't about the money. If it was, I'd walk away ahead.

Keep reading. Keep researching. Go online and watch addiction specialists talk about this disease. Don't give up on yourself.

You care today, and that is wonderful.

Thank you for that guys... Ive considered GA, but just don't think I can do it. Should I... probably. Are there any online GA meeting via webcam...? with people in different cities?

Im considering an individual therapist, but haven't made that decision yet.

Im still going ok... day 10 is today. (last bet was August 31). Im trying to stay busy... it hits me every day pretty hard...but Ive been able to talk myself out of it. 10 days is a long time in this world for me...

Thinking of the "amount" id need to win to stop is definitely helpful. You are right Uskat. There is no amount.. If I won back 100k...Id try to make it 200. I just would... no debate or denying that.

So.. I do appreciate you guys and this format... updating this message board is a helpful process at night. Ive gone back and read my original post and all of subsequent posts at least 10 times as a hindrance.

Tomorow makes 11...

Yes, when you realize that no amount of money will get you out of this revolving door of compulsive gambling, it becomes hard to convince yourself to go back to gambling. I agree with this old time GA member who always used to say, "After stopping gambling, in order to back to gambling, you have to be able to lie profusely to yourself."


We used to take vacations only where there was gambling. We stayed in Aventura, Fla right near Gulfstream racetrack and the poker rooms. We were in New Orleans close to the casino and poker. We went to Saratoga Springs, NY in August close to the racetrack. We were married in Vegas. This past two summers we stayed in a beach town on Lake Michigan in Michigan. No gambling and a lot of simple pleasures. We went to the beach several times, took boat rides, saw a movie, took long walks, played catch, went out for dinner, and cooked. That is what you get back from completely stopping gambling-the ability to enjoy the simple pelasures in life.

Thanks for these posts... it is crazy how your mind tricks you into thinking the only way out is too keep going deeper. For me... (and I'm sure others)... this exact thinking has actually been reinforced. Many times over the last 20 years Ive "dug out" of the hole I was in by a crazy lucky streak... I would even think "I'm a lucky person" or even worse..."Ive got mad skills!" I've been down to my last few buck and ran it into the thousands many times... then used the winnings to pay rent, food, etc.... I think,,,, "I'm so lucky and skilled that only I can fight my way out of these holes."

So Mr Lucky/skilled guy then goes back in a week or so and gets destroyed...again. Then he thinks he will hit the hail mary pass again... guess what he doesn't. Ive honestly lived on quarters nickels and dimes before...while having a great job. .99 cent menu at wendys..

I also possess a very irrational and extreme anger/hatred for the bookies and casinos... I feel I want to play just to hurt them back... "I'll turn the tables and clean them out"and Revenge will be mine...

This is also really stupid. But when I get myself going/playing I am honestly a friggin maniac.

Friggin maniac after losing was me too. Frantic race to the bank to get more money or frantically driving to the off-track betting parlor after losing in poker to try an get my money back. I would be looking at my phone while driving like a crazy man to see when the next races go off or how much is in my bank account. It's fortunate that I never crashed. I do know about one guy that died in a crash after playing poker. They called him "Crazy John" and whenever he lost a hand he would mutter f bombs for a while. One day (I am sure after losing) he was smashed by a semi after leaving the casino.

Ilnat , I know you're hesitant about GA but consider this :

Our addiction doesn't want to die . It doesn't want us to be free of it and it doesn't want us to seek help . What's the worst that could happen if you went to a meeting ? What's the best that could happen ?

10 days is great but it's just the beginning of the journey . The support and understanding you can find with people who are going through the same thing is a very powerful tool . It would be a shame to pass it up without giving it a try .

Well...based on my actions over the last week I believe I will consider this advice even more and maybe seek out a meeting or individual counseling. I have no idea why I do this... something small upsets and triggers me and I'm right back in the muck. Thank you for these posts...
Tomorrow is back to day 1...