my WARPED outlook

Hello friends.

It has been awhile and life has been moving right along.

I have been clean since 4/18/16. I say clean because this addiction is like ANY chemical addiction. Please do not discount the severity and need for clean time to regain some thought regulation!

My view of events and ideas can still be very warped. I am a bit alarmed at how I can minimize the truth of destruction. Perhaps that is why it IS so important to stay near the newcomers, to remember reality.

I diminish the former sickness of my soul -- perhaps a way to protect my pride.
Pride. I wan't "that bad".

I was that bad. I was wishing I wouldn't wake up in am. I was possessed with my drug called gambling. It was ALLLL I wanted to do. I wanted more and more time away from life and in a casino. My number one priority.

As you can attest, it cost me more than money --- and with the addiction qualifier of tolerance (needing to do more to get the same effect = higher and higher bets = higher highs and much lower lows) the "fuel" ran out at an alarming rate.

Here I sit, with some time, but I need to check my brain in so many ways to zone into REALITY. Away from a warped perception. Perhaps it leads back to justifying. Supporting the story or beliefs that are inside me.

I guess my bottom line is identifying a healthy train of thought and working on focus.

Whatever I think ---- is right (the power of perception). Reality. But me in charge of what I think can be dangerous.

I CAN NOT afford misconception about my addiction and the life sucking reality.

I also CAN NOT afford to DISCOUNT the life in front of me now! I can minimize the progress, the change, the miracle.

People on this board have been SOOOO helpful w/ support, insight and honesty.

Just thought I'd post where I am.

I pop on now and then, and glad to see newcomers reaching out and familiar names lending hands.

Hi uskat: Very glad that you have been "clean" of gambling for 2-1/4 years now; and letting us know so that we can see it can be done and is not hopeless. Some pretty deep thoughts you put out there. It shows your awareness and consciousness is strong and sufficient enough to constantly remind yourself of the pitfalls, and continue the lifelong battle against the addiction.
Our minds are so powerful that it's the biggest factor in our defense. We do well to remind ourselves of how the addiction constantly uses our minds to try to awaken those demons. (As NSR so aptly and often reminds us) I remember the repeated cycle of losing a lot of money and feeling all the negative emotions, the self-deprecating thoughts of foolishness and stupidity, the misery of loss, the thoughts of really, really quitting gambling. But all too soon and often, some time would pass, and eventually my mind would be saying, "it's not so bad"...."I can gamble as long as I control myself, and I can do that"....."I'm not as bad off as lots of people in this world".....just anything that would allow me to justify going back and doing it again.....It was so sick. Congratulations on your great progress and more power to you to stay strong!

It's always good to hear from you , Uskat .

I think I have found a good balance in my recovery . I remember my addicted past but I don't hold on tightly to it and I don't use it to beat myself up . It absolutely was a life-changing experience but I feel that life is about moving forward , growing , learning , living . I am so much more than NSR , recovering addict . That's a time in my life that I will never deny or minimize but it has its place in my memories and I will not give it more head space than it deserves .

This is my perspective : I made a mistake - big mistake , HUGE mistake . It led me to become addicted to gambling , it caused me to ruin my finances and my self-esteem , forced me to fight my way out of addiction and deal with the damage I'd done to myself . A true case of " Do or die " in which I chose to do because I didn't want to die .

I don't need to look to my memories for reminders of the danger of addiction . I only need to look at my bank balance . It tells the story of what could have been , where I am now , where I hope to be someday . My regrets are far fewer than my hopes . My plans for the future leave little room for thinking about my past and my lessons learned have been truly and irrevocably learned . I would no more attempt to gamble again than I would reach out and try to pet a cobra .

We did it , Kat . We got out . We went to battle and we took our lives back . We have the scars , we will deal with the aftermath and we will not only survive , we will thrive . It doesn't matter whether we view our past through rose-colored glasses or not . It only matters how we view our future .

This lesson cannot be unlearned . Trust in that .

Nice update uskat, what an inspiration, I always enjoy reading your posts and it had been very helpful to me in my recovery.

I am now 9 months 1 day gamble free, the longest since many attempts at stopping gambling and recently I find myself becoming vulnerable again and thinking about the “fun” my husband and I had in the casinos.

I am staying close and thank you everyone here for your presence, it made me feel not so alone with this horrible addiction.

USKAT and the people that have responded to this post are all, by example, inspirational life changers. They have all demonstrated that it is completely possible to change your soul/ life no matter how many years that one has gambled or how much money one has lost.

-- Fri Aug 31, 2018 1:17 pm --

USKAT and the people that have responded to this post are all, by example, inspirational life changers. They have all demonstrated that it is completely possible to change your soul/ life no matter how many years that one has gambled or how much money one has lost.

Hi ... new here and on Day 4. This is my first experience with a message board and I have spent a lot of time reading posts and identifying myself in many of you. Thank you for your posts and thank you if you are reading this.

I am making a very serious attempt at clarity and hopefully abstinence. What is hitting me the hardest is how "clever" I've been in crafting my life around this addiction. I think that very deep down...the choices I've made and the life path I've taken were all able to continue this craziness undetected and uninterrupted. I've created money making opportunities in my "real" life... sabotaged relationships with great women in my "real life"...and even changed cities and jobs chasing money..

To bare my soul to a bunch of strangers...this was honestly all to keep betting spreads, flipping the cards, rolling dice and pulling levers. I cannot even estimate the money I've lost over the last 20 years...but it is easily over 1 million. Now I find myself in my late 40s..single/never married with no family (I'm "that guy" at weddings. . My sickness is still mostly undetected... I'm making good money in my "real" life.... but secretly lighting most of it on fire. This is my existence. I am mostly able to not go completely off the deep end with it.... I just wait for a new supply of fuel (money)... then I lose it all over again. Its all very calculated...

I am a casinos/bookies wet dream. I have grown to have a deep hatred for the industry... I honestly feel like I will physically vomit if I give one more dollar up to them. Even a quarter.

I read about many who have destroyed their real lives from this sickness... Me...? I fear I never gave myself a real shot an actual "real life" (ie...family, kids, community, friends..) All of my decisions, money, etc...were all made in the deep/dark corner of my mind that enables and structures me to do this. I've been rolling exactly like this for 20 years at least... I find myself mostly alone. Each birthday I spend in the casino... alone. One year closer to my life's end. (hope that's not too melancholy... but it is mathematically true.)

When I look back on my life in my 60s and 70s... Id like to have some memories and evidence of my adult life of something other than this vicious cycle. Gambling ecstasy...and gambling anguish. For me...that's sometimes really all there is..

Just wanted to type that for myself and put it out there.

Incredibly honest post and that's a major step, since if we lie to ourselves we will continue to gamble. I have found that in the beginning of stopping there are several things that propel us back into that revolving door of compulsive gambling. 1) We want to get at least some of the money back that we lost and then quit. That will never happen because if we win, we go right back to the dream world of winning, escaping and getting all our money back. Plus, it sets off the chemical activity in our brain that we will want to keep receiving. 2) We do not want to deal with our real life problems and emotions many of them created by gambling, some of them not. We have to learn to deal with regular life and it is boring at times, frustrating at times, and just plain hard at times. However, by creating a new way of doing things, we are able to adjust. 3) We can deceive ourselves that our gambling was really not that bad or it will be different this time. We can say things to ourselves like "I am only losing a % of my income, so what? People have all types of different expensive hobbies or activities. This is mine." or "I know that I am a compulsive gambler so I will only bring a small amount and not hurt myself" Neither one these thought is true. This is not a hobby-it is self-destruction. Also, maybe the first time you win or lose just a little. Inevitably, you will go back to the same old destructive patterns and you will not be dealing with life properly.


For me, I am in my early 50s and have lost just as much money or more over my lifetime as you have said. I am a professional and if you googled my real name you would see me in newspapers. I have two kids and a wife. One of my children has special needs. I have felt so guilty and ashamed for the amounts I have gambled away. I need to take care of my child with special needs, especially after I pass. My wife takes care of her full time, so there is no other income, plus she has some health issues. We could have a much better life but we still have a good decent life, maybe not a great life. There is still hope that it one day ay be great. You have to understand that it does not matter when you come to terms with this problem but you have to for yourself. Otherwise, you will just be another statistic.

Evetually, your life will change. After time, it will change dramatically. You ahev gambled for twnety years, so it will not change in one week but give it 90 days and you will start seeing some radical differences inside and outside.

Thanks for your words notlookingback. We have some things in common for sure... your three scenarios are very on point. For me...especially number one. I always think I'm gonna go back and go on a quick run.... get back a nice chunk back... and THEN... Ill stop. Ive done this dozens (hundreds????) of times...

This simply doesn't work. in fact....the best thing to happen is for me to get my ass kicked right away the first night. Winning at all just reinforces this thinking and it goes on longer and deeper....days roll into weeks..into bigger losses. the money just gives me more play. Only way to win is to lose... How ###$ is that rationale....?

Congratulations on your being able to quit...it sounds as if you've been through the wringer as well with this $#%^.

Uskat..thanks for starting this thread. my WARPED outlook felt exactly how I feel and it is so great you haven't gambled in so long. I cant imagine what my life might look like.

I'm legitimately on day 6. 90 days seems like a very long time... This is very tough...first day of NFL and casinos looming.

Try to keep some perspective , Ilnat . If this was a drug or alcohol addiction , there would be an equally unpleasant detox period . It's just something we need to grit our teeth and get through .

Like I said earlier - addiction fights back . It doesn't want to die , it doesn't want us to get well , it doesn't want us to see though the con job . 90 days won't bring an end to the addiction but it will bring a solid foundation for recovery and a clearing of the gambling fog .

It's baby steps - and you're doing great . Stay strong !

So glad to see your reply Ilnat. I checked every day. It's very important that we, as compulsive gamblers, stay connected. We must stay connected with our kids, spouse, friends, work, family, community and if it applies, religion.

The moment I drift from people and the truth, I go back to gambling. We have to give of ourselves to others. As a friend of mine always says, stay engaged. Your posts are doing that because you are being truthful about your life. It helps me. If you are open to people, they typically are open to you.

Eventually, I had to tell my wife that I am completely unable to control money. I then turned over what was left of our savings to her and told her that I should not be on the account and I should not know the online password. I didn't want to do this as there are potential legal issues, if something were to happen. Nevertheless, I did because the destruction a gambler can wreak is bottomless and unfathomable.


I guess I am saying that maybe you should find some assistance with money. One sports bet and you will be back in quicksand.