Bad relapse... UGH

Hi everyone,

I had a really bad relapse last night after doing so well. Last year, I gambled away $30,000 and was in debt for that amount, because I took it all from credit cards. Within 10 months, I was able to pay all of that off, by the Grace of God and opportunities the Universe has blessed me with.

I literally have no idea why I gambled yesterday. I wasn't bored, I wasn't anxious, and I didn't even need the extra money. I had managed to save $3,000 within the last 2 months that I was planning on using for my new car in November.

Well, one thing led to another, and I found myself online saying "let me just try $200..." and then it just spiraled. I lost $6,000. The sad thing is, I had won back $4,900, and should have just cashed out, but I kept saying I only needed $1,100 to be even because I didn't want them to have my money.

I self-excluded from EVERYTHING yesterday. Last year, I self-excluded myself from all NJ and PA casinos, online and land-based casinos. I used my brother's account yesterday. After I told him what happened, he said self-exclude him too (because you can do it online if you know the person's information... my brother knew I was using his account, but he didn't know the extent of my problem).

I told him if I self-exclude he can't go to casinos either or play online, he said he does not care, he doesn't want to see me going through. So he went online and self-excluded too.

So now I have no other avenues to gamble in. It felt so good last year when I self-excluded because I knew I had no chance of gambling-slots are my pitfall, so lottery, scratchers, sports betting, etc., was never a problem for me as I had no interest.

I'm thinking to myself... maybe yesterday had to happen so I could get rid of that one avenue of gambling source too. If I had won my money back, I don't think I would have self-excluded my brother's account. I would have probably been relieved for a few weeks, but then the urges would have started again and perhaps I would have lost more than $6,000. So I'm trying to find the blessing in all of this.

This debt will take me about 2 months to pay off-but my weird thing is, I'm a very obsessive person.My plan was to have my car down payment by then (by next week!) to have ready for November. So now, as I'm paying this debt, I'm going to keep saying "this money could have been extra money I was saving, instead of paying toward this debt that just happened when it didn't need to." I literally woke up yesterday with everything fine in my life-and then a few hours later, everything changed.

My therapist told me about my obsessions that just because my "PLAN A" didn't work, it's okay to go on to Plan B-which is pay this off, save for my car starting in two months. But the obsessive part of my personality says "I wouldn't have needed a Plan B if I just woke up yesterday and went to work!" but maybe it was like a ticking time bomb... maybe if I hadn't done it yesterday, I would have done it in a few weeks, since the account wasn't self-excluded.

Can anyone please offer any advice on how to let go of this obsessive back and forth? Should I just say this truly was the last time since I have no other avenues left to gamble online and I just have to pay this and move forward? I'm having a hard time with the obsessive part-the debt I could pay off in a couple months thank God... it's the other details that always get me.

My therapist/doctor also said that she doesn't think I am addicted to gambling, but I have an abuse problem. She said since I don't wake up every single day wanting to gamble, it doesn't justify calling it an addiction. She said but when I do gamble after long breaks, I go all out and binge-and she said that's an abuse problem. This was almost a trigger for me when she said that a few months ago, because then I was like "oh, maybe that's something I could actually control then and not over abuse it." Because for me, I could go a while without gambling or thinking about it-but then when I do, I go all out. Same with eating-I'm either EXTREMELY fit and healthy and not eating junk, or I'm on the other end and giving up exercise, eating whatever I want, and just going all out.

I really hate this feeling, guys! I know you can all relate... this monster just needs to go. I really just want it to die. It's been 3 years now-this summer-I started in summer of 2015. So maybe it's finally come full circle, and this is it-don't good things come in 3's? Like I said, I'm trying to find the blessing in all this...

Thank you all for listening. After I did it, I confessed to my sister, my boyfriend, and obviously my brother, so I am held accountable. I just don't want God or the Universe to be mad at me, because with all the blessings I've been given over the last few months to pay off my debt from last year, I don't want Him to think I took it for granted and felt like I needed more... so I'm having a hard time with that too...(sorry if anyone who is not into God is offended, but it's just my personal belief... I'm not religious, just very spiritual).

I guess I am just ranting at this point... thank you for giving me this outlet.

Welcome back JONUR , I'm sorry to hear about your relapse . I suppose in the long run it doesn't really matter whether your Dr. or you call it an addiction or an abuse . If gambling is causing you problems , you have a gambling problem . This stood out to me :

JONUR wrote:I literally have no idea why I gambled yesterday. I wasn't bored, I wasn't anxious, and I didn't even need the extra money.

That's me now when I get thoughts about gambling - it seems to come out of nowhere , for no reason . The way I understand my situation is , my years of gambling have permanently changed my brain and the way it functions . I will forever be missing that dopamine high either consciously or subconsciously . My brain became accustomed to the near-constant chemical overload until being in that state became my new normal . Some small part of my brain will always crave the buzz . It's controllable but incurable . There's no logic behind it - it's just pure "want" .

I have no advice about the obsessing . I went through it when I first stopped gambling ( obsessed about paying off the debt , obsessed about saving money ) but as my recovery progressed , the behavior faded . It seems from what you're saying that the relapse triggered that thinking .

You've done all you can do to roadblock your ability to gamble . The rest is healing , and vigilance .