*TW* Suicidal

I started treatment for gambling addiction in an out patient program yesterday. I get up early tommorow to ban myself from all casinos in the state. Self exclusion. I go to two GA groups tommorow. I have a really sharp pain in my stomach. Filing Chapt.7. No matter how I try to cheer myself up I feel the greatest shame and embaressment, Like a kid who just got done doing something very naughty and irresponsible. I feel childish and ashamed, I cannot believe I did what I did. Wrecked my life all on my own.

Welcome to the forum Milky,

I think many of us think to ourselves "How could we have done something like this? How could I be so stupid?" when we look back at our gambling. Its illogical and it causes so much damage to ourselves and our loved ones, yet we do it. That is what it means to be addicted. We do it despite the fact we know its harmful to ourselves.
We often feel ashamed and embarrassed at what we've done, but I suggest you look at it from a different perspective. Addiction is something that could have happened to ANYONE given the right conditions. It was unfortunate that we had an unhealthy reaction to the gambling where it fulfilled a need that we were missing in our lives at the right time and right moment. When I was in my in-patient program for 3 weeks, I saw a poster that really spoke to me. It said "Would you blame yourself if you had Cancer?". I see my addiction in the same light as if I was diagnosed with cancer.. there isn't much I could have done about it, so don't feel ashamed.
Yes, we did have a part in this addiction, but it could have happened to anyone.

Even though it may feel impossible , please try to forgive yourself Milkywaytwo . Shame and embarrassment are a crippling part of addiction and I think we've all struggled with it . For the longest time , I was convinced that I was morally weak , defective in some way that "normal" people weren't .

I constantly berated myself with the words " What is wrong with you ?! . My self esteem was zero and I had given up believing that I would ever be free of my gambling addiction . I believed I was doomed to the life of a gambling addict because I just didn't have what it took to fight it . Every relapse reinforced that belief .

As Ares pointed out - it is a disease and you should regard it as such . You have taken huge , positive steps towards getting help . That takes courage and strength . It's so much easier to give up and accept addiction as our fate or punishment for what we think is some fundamental flaw in our character .

Recovery is a long journey and not always a smooth or easy one . You will discover many things on this road and one of them is that you are not to blame for becoming addicted . Few of us could have predicted we'd end up with a gambling addiction and none of us would have willingly chosen to live this way . This isn't something you did to yourself , it's something that happened to you .

There is hope and there is peace of mind to be found in recovery . Try to focus on your healing and your future and not the "blame" for what happened in the past . All that matters now it that you are fighting back and that says more about you than having an addiction does .

Thankyou for your replies. Yeah it will take some time to come to terms with the damage I have done. I gambled for 19 yrs. I am stunned at what I did. There is a huge slot machine in the Gaming Commision office. It is gigantic. When I walked in to do self exclusion I had to sit in the lobby and stare at that huge machine. My first thought was "does it work?". "Can I put money in that?" I really did not remember I had just spent all morning in gambling treatment for a minute. It made me realize how sick I was. I am a cancer survivor and I still kinda blame myself for that too. I go to cancer support groups. My gambling got bad in cancer treatment. It is a disease (both are) and I need to eventually forgive myself.

milkywaytwo,

I can't imagine going through cancer treatment. If you made it through that, that shows me how strong you are. I can understand that maybe you would gamble while in cancer treatment to escape from the pain. I have also gambled to escape pain, but only emotional pain. I feel terrible about it but I have tried to forgive myself and not go back again. I have tried to soothe myself with activities other than gambling and that might help you too. For me, it's meditation or listening to relaxing sounds (waterfalls, ocean waves, etc.)