Earning my freedom

The most important thing it is to fill out the void in your life when not gambling and slowly the urge will disappear. Find the purpose that keeps you motivated to not gamble, find that thing that works and keep doing it.I will tell you what it is working for me:
1) I realize and I mean really realize that keep gambling I will lose all financially and most important my family for sure;
2) I set a plan to pay out my debt like 1000$/month and like this in 18-19 months will be gone and in the mean time I put in a saving account like 600$/month.So every time I pay the debt, 600$ goes in saving account, that makes me feel motivated.By the time the debt will be payed, I will be able to have around 20000$ in saving account.So will double celebrate and set up a nice vacation in the place I dream about all my life French Polynesie.I started this plan last mont and believe me I will accomplish this.
3) I almost never stay home and all the time doing activities or working never to think again gambling.
Staying home will amplify that desire to make another bet or relapsing.( for me I was never in my life in a casino and doesn’t attract me, I was betting all the time online and just sports so going out doesn’t affect me)
I know it will take time and mental strength to do it but I AM READY
If you don’t owe money even better, makes you the job easier.
Good luck!!!

Thanks NSR and Gabone25 for your posts. Great advice in both. As you predicted, withdrawals are wicked right now. I find it difficult not to go onto Youtube and watch people playing slots. What a sad existence ... being so desperate to gamble that I'll spend my precious life watching other people play. Of course, these players always win ... huge amounts. I watch and wonder where they get all the money! They all appear so happy and balanced and as bad as it sounds, I want to see some evidence that they're suffering because of all their gambling. Is it possible that they're all normal gamblers, even though they're throwing thousands of dollars into those machines weekly? And if so, why can't I? I know this is irrational, but it's what I'm dealing with.

I don't think I've ever been this unhealthy mentally as I am right now. It's a result of chronic sleep deprivation. My doctor was quite alarmed at the fact that my circadian cycle has been upside down for so long. He is not a proponent for sleeping pills, but he gave me some non-addicting sleep aids. So far, not really working that well, but I'll keep going for a few more days.

I am deeply depressed about not working and facing ageism (I still can't get over that). I refuse to give in though. I've decided that I'll get back on the job search wagon full force this week. I have to do something or I'll go completely nuts. Also, I've burrowed in my house all winter, part of the excuse being that my sleep is upside down. The other part though, is that I don't want to encounter the world. I feel fat and gross and useless and I feel that the whole world can see that.

Anyway, I know I'm being a complete downer right now. I'm trying to cope, but loss of dopamine from gambling is making things tough. I realize this will be the case for a few more months, so I'm just going to have to hang in.

On the upside, two weeks down and entering week three. I'm not really counting daily, just keeping an eye on weeks. I found that it was harder and harder to make even a few days gambling free without the self exclusion.

All for now. Have a good week all.

TSL

TSL , I know you feel awful right now but I'm so glad you're staying strong and I'm even more glad that you're staying away from gambling videos . All they really do is keep gambling present in your mind ( as if it wasn't bad enough now , I know . ). Watching them will only make the next few months much harder and I think it can really undermine your growing strength against the urges .

I found that doing online jigsaw puzzles helped , as well as freebie match-3 type games . Sending you a PM with a few more ideas !

Hang in there - the withdrawals can be Hell , but still a small price to pay for getting your life back .

You are doing great !

Hi the TSL, I feel for you and I think the priority now is to take care of yourself and worry less about searching for another job. We can only do thing right and good one at a time (for me at least, I am not very good at multitasking) and the rest will follow.

Going out for some exercise, gardening or just walking will be helpful too. My gratitude lists are many when I am out and breathing in the early morning air with the sun shining on my face and the nice breeze. It is good just to be well and alive , hearing the birds chirping and seeing the squirrels running around, I forget about things that are worrisome for a moment.

You can do it TSL, I wish you all the best.

So there won't be a week four this time round. I am going to take another break from the forum for a while. At this point, I despair of ever quitting gambling. For years, I have tried. I have taken all the steps but still manage to fall short. I am so very, very tired of trying and failing. I'm not sure it will ever stick. In the end, it really comes down to wanting to stop and I'm not sure I want to. I just know that I have to stop. Even though I've self excluded at casinos, there are still bingo halls with TapTix machines, which are really slots with a different name. I will crawl into any little hole just to get my fix. Sounds gross? It is. I need time to fix my life, there are so many things that need fixing. I need a complete do over.

TSL

If someone doesn't want to quit, it is almost impossible to force them because gambling is so accessible now. Eventually down the road, you will come back to the point again where you consider seriously quitting, but next time, you will be further down in the hole. I know this and you know this. Why not begin the rest of life now as oppose to delaying it?

TheSweetLife wrote:I am going to do everything in my power to make it. I read the accounts of people here who have achieved significant periods of abstinence and I want what they have ... so badly. In fact, it's my old life I want. The ability to travel, do the renovations in my home that need doing, savings in the bank, no debt. The wonderful feeling of being fit and healthy, the confidence on the job that I can lead and succeed. That was me once upon a time and it's the me that I'm determined to get back.

It is possible.

TSL

I totally understand the despair of the recovery and the feeling of how futile it is with many relapses over and over again (I have done that for years). But I believe YOU CAN DO IT, because you are here and you want to try! If you need a bit of break, that's fine, but we will be here always to support you and I hope in the very near future, you are ready to fight this addiction again with all that you have!

I believe in you too , TSL . I understand what you're going through - have been there a couple hundred times myself . I just want you to know that you can come here anytime.

This forum isn't about " Only the successful need apply ." We'll be here to encourage you no matter where you are in your fight for recovery . I believe this community really shines when one of us is struggling or has relapsed . I would hate for you to cut yourself off from that support because you feel you are " failing " somehow .

Relapse is not failure . Giving up and accepting this addiction as our fate is the only way we can truly fail . Don't give up . Don't ever give up . You deserve to be free of this disease .

Thanks NSR and Aries411 for your support and wisdom. Today, I have such a jumble of emotions that I'm not sure where to start. I've self excluded from land-based casinos, but with a bad attitude. Then, there was the little back door and I went there on Wednesday - four days ago. At the end of the session, I self excluded there too. However, this process is trickier. The ban goes into effect immediately, but you have 40 days to change your mind. How ridiculous is that? And, I have to wait for a representative from the provincial organization that owns the venue to get in touch with me to formally put the thing in place. Sigh ... really?

Anyway, as I said before, my attitude is bad. This is due to my current life circumstances. There is so much good in my life and yet I continue down this awful path of self destruction.

The truth is that I need my career. I have been without work for two years now in my 50s I am finding it hard to find a job. It's caused me to spiral out of control. My depression over this controls my life and my self esteem is non existent.

All I want to do is go out and play slots. I never have tons of money to play (100 to 200 a time), but those times are increasing and I never win, so I end up coming home miserable and broke. Controlling the amounts and leaving cards at home is helpful, but when I'm not working, stupid spending like this causes stress. This is so unfair on my husband who works so hard to keep things afloat. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot I would never tolerate the gambling.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I don't know what else to do. Now I'm banned at all land locations, I feel some sense of relief, but I feel a great deal of anger and frustration because in all honesty, I still want to gamble. (Please don't yell at me, I can't help it). I wish I felt a sudden surge of energy to do more positive things but I don't. I still go to YouTube and watch enviously as those people play thousands and thousands of dollars a session and are endlessly perky. Am I truly the only slot loser on the planet? I really have not had any kind of jackpot, large or small, in years... which makes me an even bigger idiot.

I know everything I have to do but I am purposely self-sabotaging. I'm eating like a 9 year old left to run rampant in a candy store, I have no energy to exercise, honestly, I believe this is the lowest I have ever been.

I truly am grateful for your support, and I'm sorry if it seems like I'm not heeding your advice. I am. I'm just struggling to find the sparkle in life without gambling and it's really hard. I know it will come, but I don't trust myself and I'm afraid that I will never stop for any meaningful period of time. I'm force to stop for six months at the casinos and 40 days at the bingo hall (where they have slot-like machines), so maybe my sane brain will kick in. Here's hoping,

TSL

Hugs , TSL .

If overcoming addiction were quick and easy , this forum would not even exist . It can be incredibly hard . The relapse rate is high and the gambling industry is everywhere in the media . No one here will come down on you for wanting to gamble . It's what addiction does to you .

Why are you seemingly self-sabotaging ? Do you think there's some giant jackpot out there just waiting for you to come along and win it ? If so , how much of your life and money are you willing to throw away on what amounts to an obvious lie ?

That sudden surge of happy , positive energy and steely resolve ? Not gonna happen . At least not right now . Recovery doesn't come to us like we got it for Christmas . It's damn hard work . It's feeling like crap every minute of every day until we wake up one morning feeling a little less crappy . The only "easy" thing to do is roll over and let the addiction drive the bus . That will work right up to the point when it ruins you completely and you start asking yourself what your reason for living is . And you can't really find a good answer .

Been there . Don't recommend it .

You got attitude ? Use it against the addiction . This thing wants total control over you . It wants to take everything you've got - money , time , peace of mind , self-worth - and it will only leave you alone once you're broken beyond repair and can't feed it anymore . And after all of those things are gone for good .

I hope you find a job , TSL - any job . You might not get your specific career back but you can get your sense of normality back . I have a part-time job , as a janitor . It's not my chosen path , to say the least . There is no job satisfaction , no career advancement , no benefits . But I'm using it to rebuild a life that my gambling destroyed . That makes it very valuable to me indeed .

You've taken the first steps and they are good ones . It buys you some time to get through the withdrawals . You will get through them . Hang in there and post if you need support . We don't care if you really want to gamble right now . We only care that you're not doing it .

That , even if it doesn't feel like it , is victory .

TheSweetLife wrote:
On Monday, March 12, my self exclusion period at an online casino expires and the temptation to go back has been with me all week. I went onto their chat tonight to enquire how to close my account entirely. They kept me waiting 30 minutes and still no account closure. I got frustrated and closed the chat. I am so mad, since this is the second time I've tried to close it. I will just register for another 3 month exclusion on Monday. Ugh!!!

You don't have to ask for exclusion via chat, you can do so via email, and as soon as the email is sent you would feel much better, trust me on that!

Also if a gambling establishment doesn't honor your self exclusion you can sue them for that, I am actually practically speaking in a middle of a possible settlement with a gambling establishment over just that, and I have nothing but full intentions on pursuing and ensuring self exclusion means self exclusion, you will be amazed if you search online how much money can be made just from lawsuits.

I have no sympathy for anyone who works in the gambling industry and I will use my utmost power, energy and resources to enforce damages from anyone who doesn't play fair ... I suggest you take that attitude towards your unfriendly gambling establishments, you will be surprised how quickly they will change their tone once you make legal threats, and when it comes to gambling & money - there is no wrongdoing of making legal threats - it's your best friend.

And this is an advice you're getting from someone who would never ever dream or think about filing lawsuits against other people, I believe in common sense, I believe in working things out - but when the industry you're facing is doing its utmost to milk your money - it's about time we do our own retaliation, don't be scared to retaliate, it's a good thing when it comes to gambling, I believe it's the right thing to do.