Earning my freedom

Hi everyone: No big surprise that I am back with my tail between my legs. It's been a long while since I posted here for obvious reasons. I have been gambling with abandon. It's 6 a.m. and I've just returned from the casino having taken the house card and blown money meant for bills. My husband is beyond angry with me and I am soooo tired of doing this same routine over and over and over again.

The best part is that I am not working. Haven't been for almost two years. Part of that time, I've helped my husband with marketing his business, but I've not been contributing enough to indulge in my wayward way. This week, I have a second interview for a job. I need clothing, a haircut and peace of mind. The only way I'll get peace of mind is to self exclude again.

My life is in rough shape. I've let myself go, I'm over 50, so facing ageism, my car completely died, so now we're a one car family. My license is suspended because I was negligent and didn't pay a ticket, I have CHRONIC insomnia and my nights have turned into days and vice versa. I am depressed and struggle to just get through a day. Wow ... what a downer I sound like right now.

Anyway, I'm posting here because tonight I've spent far more than I intended. I've been very good about leaving my card at home when I've gone. However, this is the second time in six months that I've had a binge and it's time to reign things in.

So, I'm here ... hoping that this time it sticks. I've been at the recovery thing a LONG time, so I know what to do. While I've been aware and trying for a long time, I've never managed more than six months away. I'm feeling very unsure of my ability right now. But here I am again, ready to try.

TSL

Welcome back TSL .

I'm sorry you are still struggling with this . We've all been there . Gambling addiction is one of the hardest to beat . It's a progressive disease - the longer we do it , the stronger its hold over us becomes . Attempts at controlled gambling will always spiral out of control for those of us who are addicted . It's only a matter of time .

Well done on coming back to the forum . You're right - you know what to do . Stay strong and keep fighting ! We will be with you every step of the way .

Thanks for your support, NSR. It's been a rough week. Lots of emotional highs and lows. Went for a second interview which went well, but then haven't heard back. Came down with rotten flu, despite the fact that I got the flu shot. Really feeling rotten.

On Monday, March 12, my self exclusion period at an online casino expires and the temptation to go back has been with me all week. I went onto their chat tonight to enquire how to close my account entirely. They kept me waiting 30 minutes and still no account closure. I got frustrated and closed the chat. I am so mad, since this is the second time I've tried to close it. I will just register for another 3 month exclusion on Monday. Ugh!!!

This addiction is worse than hell. It never lets up. I am so frustrated with everything and everyone right now.

Hi Sweetlife, I heard there are softwares you can purchase to block online gambling, maybe it is easier than self excluding individually from each casino. It reminded me of the retention dept when I switch to a different cell provider.

Life may seem so hard for you right now but do not be discouraged, if you keep gambling out of the mix, life will become better before you know it. Keep your chin up and listen to NSR, she knows what she is talking about and she had been very helpful for me too.

Thanks Rainbowcolor for your post. Unfortunately, I could not resist just "one last play" and here I am several hundred dollars down and praying my husband doesn't look at the accounts for any reason. I've permanently closed the account which means I can't open another account using my current address etc. Online gambling is not usually my go-to for gambling, so I'm not worried that I'll go anywhere else. I truly don't enjoy the process of not being able to see money that I cash out.

So, back to day 1 ... sigh. I'll have to try much harder this week.

TSL

Well, one last play turned into a month of last plays, until tonight. I went to casino regardless of the fact that I am ill with bronchitis, haven't had a job in almost two years and fight with my husband every time I choose to go. I didn't lose a huge amount, but as I walked out the door, I decided that I'd had enough. I stopped at the security point and asked to self exclude, again.

I self excluded to six months, not for a lifetime. Although, the ban remains in effect until I decide to contact the casino to reinstate. My life has spiraled way out of control. I am dealing with ageism in my job search, I lost my dog after 14 years of pure puppy love, my kids left for school, I have gained a ton of weight and I feel gross (I'm sure I covered this in a previous post) but recounting helps me to make sense of things.

I'm glad I self excluded, it's a relief. I know I'll go through many weeks of urges and mood swings, but I've made the first step.

All for now.

TSL.

Big hugs TSL , if you want them .

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this but you should be proud of drawing the line and realizing that gambling was only making the bad times worse .

Be kind to yourself , please . For me , small , postive changes over time worked better that trying to fix all the "things " at once - that way just overwhelmed me .

We're rooting for you !

Thanks NSR for your constant support. How do you do it? I wish I could feel an ounce of your positivity!!! Hugs are always welcome.

Anyway, one week without gambling. I am constantly edgy and miserable. While I felt relief last week, I now feel anger and resentment. I'm annoyed with myself for excluding. (I know, really bad attitude)

Still, here I am. Maybe these are just withdrawals. I've not been motivated to do much this week though, been an out and out sloth all week. Let's hope the next week brings more energy and a better mood and attitude.

All the best.

TSL

Hi SweetLife, you are doing well. Each day away from gambling bring us further away from this horrible addiction towards a normal life.

The best thing you did was self-excluding, making it difficult to gamble will at least put a temporarily stop still you are in the right mind set again.

Gambling brought me to “places” I am not proud of. My husband and I used to go to the casinos together, for him it was strictly social, $100, win or lose. For me, it was whatever was in my wallet. When I was deeply into slots, I rather not “play”next to him like we always did because he will lecture me how I did it, which was erratic and self destructive. I could not stop and only leave when all the money was gone.

One day, I saw my husband following me around the corner and I wished that he will just “disappeared”. I am truly appalled at such thought, I realized that nobody and nothing matter as long as I am chasing the “dragon”, not much different from a drug addict. The light bulb moment came and I know that I will lost it all if don’t stop gambling.

It is normal to feel lousy initially when we are recovering and it is important to replace gambling with some other activities. You can do it SweetLife, another hugs for you if it is not too much and keep your chin up.

rainbowcolor wrote:It is normal to feel lousy initially when we are recovering and it is important to replace gambling with some other activities.

Rainbowcolor is right . I made myself go out and do other things when I first quit , even if I had to drag myself there . Left on my own , I would have just moped around and stewed about how much I missed gambling ( my addicted brain's point of view ) . The more I thought about it , the more I started talking myself into that BS state of " I wasn't that bad , I could control it if I reaallly tried , I deserve to have some fun once in a while , blah , blah , blah . "

Honestly , I don't think anybody quits gambling and wakes up feeling like Mary Poppins a week later . Withdrawals can feel like they will go on forever . They can be uncomfortable , unpleasant and unceasing to the point where it just seems so much easier to give up than to go through another day or even hour of them . That's where a lot of people relapse . The discomfort just gets to be too much .

I firmly believe I was experiencing ( undiagnosed ) mild depression for the first month or two . My brain craved those abnormally large hits of dopamine / adrenalin that it had been accustomed to getting from the slot machines on a regular basis . Doing normal activities felt like I was drinking a very watered down cocktail . Boring , tasteless and just blech . No buzz , no sense of enjoyment .
Zero desire to have another one .

I made myself call up friends and go out for lunch , or coffee or just chat on the phone . I cleaned like a madwoman . I took walks around my neighborhood so often that they thought I was on patrol . I chose things from my list of distractions and told myself " Just do it for 5 minutes . "

This is the age of almost instant gratification . Access to smart phones , e-mail , online services and technology means that there are a lot of " wants " in our life that we don't have to wait for . Recovery is nothing but waiting . Waiting for the urge to pass , waiting for the withdrawal symptoms to end , waiting for our strength and clarity to return .

The ability to wait is a skill we have to regain and re-accustom ourselves to doing and that takes practice .

You'll get there , TSL . It does get easier . Wait and see .