Gambling is Awesome

I miss it. The big wins that led to big losses. The false lies that is was great when in reality it was good for about 1 Percent of the time I was doing it. Then it led to anxiety, depression and anger. It's so awesome that I remember the good, which was very little, and forget the bad, which was 99 percent of it. Racing thoughts, sleeplessness nights, lies and worry about paying people back money which I didn't even have. The personality changes that would have made me look bipolar, and the change of identity several times because gambling ruined that " person " I was. I miss wasting a decade of my life because gambling was so cool.

Yea gambling was awesome hey. Not. What a waste of time, energy and money that was. What a waste of myself.

Don't ever kid yourself and say it was good. Because the good always ended up bad and you can't just remember the good thinking if only. The bad happened and always will. Don't pick the good because in gambling there are good and bad and it will always be bad.

I remember those " awesome" days .

Scraping up change from under my car seats so I could get enough gas to make it home from the casino . No food in the house , no money in the bank , no more credit available from anywhere and 2 weeks to go until payday .

Waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat panic , knowing that my rent and bills were due and I had lost all the money for them .

Smiling on the outside when my old gambling buddies crowed about their big jackpot , while jealously raging on the inside " Why couldn't that happen to ME !? " .

Obsessively calculating how much cash I had available to gamble with every time I got my paycheck . Promising myself to pay bills first and then watching myself compulsively gamble every penny away .

Blowing off precious time with family and friends to go and sit alone and hypnotized in a dark casino for hours on end . Lying about why I couldn't join them to cover up the fact that I didn't even have a dollar in my pocket .

Feeling helpless , hopeless and worthless . Believing that I was doomed to this miserable existence forever and that I just didn't have the strength to break free .

Yeah - good times , all right . Glad they're over . Any more "fun" would have killed me .

You are spot-on , House . It was a waste of my money , my time and and my life . And I don't have an endless supply of any of those things .

Pure truth in your post.

Thank you.

Reminds me today the punishment I continued to inflict upon myself and my life. I was so addicted it did not matter.

The last couple years my brain was able to minimize all the pain to chase that 1%. Insidious.
I still hear the romantic notions at times from others, or even myself --- THEN I need to play that tape all the way thru. It ALWAYS ends the same -- miserable self loathing, pain, shame and desperation.

It always ends the same because once I start I DO NOT STOP.

Not today.

Thank you.

oh God...New Sun Rising...you nailed it 100% with your description of how "awesome" gambling is!!!
What disaster that gambling brings to our lives. I also never understood what "progressive" meant.
Of course ive learnt first hand ..with absolutely devastating results.
The best advice i can give you..is to give yourself a chance...DO IT NOW!!!
please dont throw your precious life away to this pathetic and cruel demon.
I only wish now after 20 years of addiction that i had realized then, where this addiction would lead me. PLEASE.........

Even with those 'awesome' points that NSR made, this addiction can always make us forgot and minimize those horrible feelings. We have a two-second memory for those loses, but we never forget our wins. It is amazing what some gamble-free time and some clarity can do for you. Wishing you all a gamble free week!

Aries411 wrote:this addiction can always make us forgot and minimize those horrible feelings.

So true . Every start of my gambling urges are the memory of the times I "won big " and how it could happen again if I just " take a chance " .

Kind of like a pretty candy coating on a poison mushroom .

I agree with the general sentiments in this thread, though I would say 1 percent good is a little low. The warm and gooey feeling I get when I am sitting with a huge pile of won chips in front of me, the anticipation I feel when I first walk into a cardroom, MUST release the same chemicals in my brain that a drug user feels just after a hit. It IS awesome, and when I am on a winning streak it is sustained awesome. I feel confident. Jovial. Generous. Clever. I respect the movie Trainspotting because it shows those moments of pure pleasure heroin provides (never tried it, I would be an instant junkie) but doesn't shy away from the horrors that inevitably ensue. I think it is healthy to reflect on the good feelings gambling can bring because how else to explain how we allow ourselves to descend back into the abyss, over and over again. I am not a fan of 12-step but when I did participate, one meeting the topic was, how do you feel after a win? Great topic! I thought. But around the room, everyone present described how even after a win they felt empty and hollow inside. I had to call B.S. How do I feel after a big win? Great. How do I feel after a small win that followed a string of bad losses? Relief. That's why I have gone back time and time again. The awesomeness has lasted as long as a year. The hell inevitably waits patiently around the corner.

I remember the day i won $500 twice in one day on scratchers. That high is what i'm chasing. I want to win a thousand.. i've never won 4 digits before. And then when i win 1k i'll probably replay it until i win the million, which probably won't happen.

I drained my entire savings on gambling.

The rush i get even just purchasing a hunk of tickets keeps me going. But every time i get a hunk of tickets, the rush becomes less and less.

nice post.Gambling is awesome indeed in a BAD way.i hate the gambling operators and casinos.

-- Sat Apr 28, 2018 11:44 am --

nice post.Gambling is awesome indeed in a BAD way.i hate the gambling operators and casinos.