can't get over the money lost

I've had the opportunity for 9 years living rent free until recently. I had the opportunity to save a ton of money! But I didn't - I gambled and drank everything and never saved. I'm really having trouble coming to terms with that and forgiving myself. I don't make a ton of money so I'm just really depressed over the lost opportunity. Which also has morphed into a great drinking problem too!

It all began with being just miserable at work but 9 years of the same behavior is no excuse.

Welcome Dubsworth ,

I'm sorry that you are going through this . Gambling addiction and alcohol is a bad combination . They almost always fuel each other and the combination is practically a recipe for depression .

Self-forgiveness comes once we remove the addiction from our lives , although both of those things are a long term learning process . I highly recommend that you look into GA and AA .

You aren't alone in this . We have all been there and even though it's hard for you to look towards the future now , I just want to tell you that there is hope and the possibility of a life free from addiction for all of us , if we choose to fight for it .

Dubsworth,

As NSR said --- it will take some distance from your last bet for the healing. How much clean time have you got?

You may be able to gleen ALOT of wisdom from people who are in recovery and are ahead of you on this road. ESPECIALLY if you can find them in person (GA, rehab, state sponsored gambling help)

If you keep using the cycle of abuse, and self loathing will only get worse.

Every single one of us gambling addicts had deep deep regrets. The regrets certainly included so much money GONE -- but also the relationships lost or checked out of, the time never to return, the LOST OPPORTUNITIES because of the need to be in action, the morals/values eroded away, the spirit dried up and dead, the people abandoned, the career achievements lost... ON AND ON AND ON, in every single aspect of my life.
That was the cost for being 100% commited to gambling and getting my next fix.

Once I get some distance and some clean time, sure I still lament my actions, but I was CAUGHT in a web. I walked into the trap of addiction - seeking the experience, the chemicals, the easy money, the lack of responsibilities, and then the FULL on commitment because THAT WAS ALL I WANTED. It was my #1 sought out life activity.

My life could have gone on like that, but it would have ended early, and/or I would have been homeless, perhaps a felon -- because I know deep down that once I was out of fuel i.e. money (which I WOULD have been because that "love" of mine wanted everything and more) --- I would have needed to do pretty much anything to feed it.

That is addiction. Loving something that will kill me.

I am learning to let go of the "losses". Whatever they are. I can not be deluded and live in the what if. Staying there may cause me to go back.

I must deal with today as it is. Recovery people and work helps me. I do today all I can for a better position in life financially, physically, in relationships, for my vocation and spiritually.

I need to be honest with myself. And let go of the lies I try to pass as reality.

If you don't let go of the losses, you won't be able to fully go forward.

All the best to you, keep posting and it WILL get better with clean time.

This is something I am struggling with too at the moment. I'm coming to grips that I may lose my apartment due to this. Ive also come to grips that I'm a degenerate for risking money I couldn't afford to lose. I will move in with family and hopefully their company will help me recover. I do feel lonliness has played a huge factor in it becoming a major problem over the last few years. Its one of the points that came out during my intake appointment today. Im going to have to commute longer on public transportation to keep my job until I pay down the loan on my car. Part of me is looking forward to changing my environment and ending the search for someone to help bail me out of this situation I actively put myself in. I'm finding the solution to end this nightmare for me is to live the nightmare Ive been trying to avoid. Im remaining positive by looking at it as having a daily support system as I recover and rebuild. Maybe it isn't enough that Ive realized my problem. If someone were to help me keep my apartment by loan I want to believe Id have the strength to recover, but its possible a change in my environment and from living alone will be better for me in the long run.

I lived around 8 years rent free from a nice paying gig abroad. While Im sober and more content now Im broke and every day is a struggle. I had friends who started the same year in the identical situation I was in and have amassed around 250k. One is a multi-millionaire as he was putting his the same about he would of paid in rent into Bitcoin since 2013.

It was painful thinking about it, but I dont anymore. I may have wasted those 8 years but now that Im sober for 128 days I can see it was just a huge learning experience. I now work on myself everyday in recovery and everyday I feel much more saner versus the insanity which is active gambling addiction. Ive also made amazing friends through GA and online recovery places that I never would have known.

While today and the coming days will be rough Im one day closer to being out of the huge hole I put myself in and will be the person I was meant to be.