by uskat » Wed Jan 24, 2018 5:39 pm
Dubsworth,
As NSR said --- it will take some distance from your last bet for the healing. How much clean time have you got?
You may be able to gleen ALOT of wisdom from people who are in recovery and are ahead of you on this road. ESPECIALLY if you can find them in person (GA, rehab, state sponsored gambling help)
If you keep using the cycle of abuse, and self loathing will only get worse.
Every single one of us gambling addicts had deep deep regrets. The regrets certainly included so much money GONE -- but also the relationships lost or checked out of, the time never to return, the LOST OPPORTUNITIES because of the need to be in action, the morals/values eroded away, the spirit dried up and dead, the people abandoned, the career achievements lost... ON AND ON AND ON, in every single aspect of my life.
That was the cost for being 100% commited to gambling and getting my next fix.
Once I get some distance and some clean time, sure I still lament my actions, but I was CAUGHT in a web. I walked into the trap of addiction - seeking the experience, the chemicals, the easy money, the lack of responsibilities, and then the FULL on commitment because THAT WAS ALL I WANTED. It was my #1 sought out life activity.
My life could have gone on like that, but it would have ended early, and/or I would have been homeless, perhaps a felon -- because I know deep down that once I was out of fuel i.e. money (which I WOULD have been because that "love" of mine wanted everything and more) --- I would have needed to do pretty much anything to feed it.
That is addiction. Loving something that will kill me.
I am learning to let go of the "losses". Whatever they are. I can not be deluded and live in the what if. Staying there may cause me to go back.
I must deal with today as it is. Recovery people and work helps me. I do today all I can for a better position in life financially, physically, in relationships, for my vocation and spiritually.
I need to be honest with myself. And let go of the lies I try to pass as reality.
If you don't let go of the losses, you won't be able to fully go forward.
All the best to you, keep posting and it WILL get better with clean time.