Relapsing..

I'm a very "together" person who has a hard time staying away from the tables for more than a few months. I always manage to convince myself that this time will be different and more fun. Almost as if it's written in stone, I always win big and I don't stop until I lose it all. Nothing about this is comfortable, and I already know what's going to happen. The remorse I feel afterwards only sets me up for bigger problems down the road. It is a great mystery what drives this behavior. Is it even about the money? How do I square away months of good behavior with one night of awful relapse? How do I even begin to get better?

These are deeply personal questions. I wanted to share this quote I came across that gave me a lot of hope and self-understanding, so I'm passing it along.

"Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That's its balance."

Gambling is like playing with fire, there is no winning, we only get burn and even when I am lucky and win big once in a blue moon, I never spend any of it and it is never enough. What is the point, head they win, tail I lose. I surrender, life is so much better without it.

You got to fill the hole with something that is sustainable and help ease the burden of not being an active gambler.

For me it was to surrender to GA and make a ton of great new friends with the similar attitude about changing my life.

There are times when I dont want to go to GA or drive a half hour to meet someone for coffee, but afterwards I never regret it and dont have the gambling hangover that causes money and other problems.

My life is not perfect and still have a lot of pain but Im 112 days sober from gambling and the insanity that went with it is gone and Im so glad Im fighting this disease at a higher level after 32 years of total waste.

Moving: Thanks for your testimonial for GA. I have consistently recommended that people who come here for help go to GA. Sure, it's not always an easy thing to do, and some say it doesn't help them, but I firmly believe it is one of the few concrete things that CAN help. The more people like you who can come here and state your own experience with GA, the more of an affirmation it becomes.
We know that the gambling addiction is insidious in that it can be kept secret and that helps it perpetuate the sickness. GA is a good way of making oneself accountable to someone outside who understands the problem.

As someone mentioned you have to fill the void. Gambling became your thing as in hobby, interest, past time, even part of you. But this very same thing led to your destruction and downfall. Boredom is a killer and usually leads to relapse but also lack of content in ones life. You need to find a new path, one that will lead to you being happy and fulfilled within yourself.

Find new Ventures in your life and last times and hobbys gambling will always wipe out your soul.

What path do you want to follow? Lead your own path. Don't let gambling lead you.