Disbelief

I cannot comprehend all that I have done and lost. I know I am a compulsive gambler, but I guess I don't appreciate how severe it is.

Over the past 2 years, I have lost close to $30,000 gambling online (slots). I am currently finishing up graduate studies, so this was without working full-time - I spent my government student loans, the loan my parents gave me, any income I made from part-time work, and I have maxed out my credit card multiple times (it's currently about $1000 over the limit). I went to residential treatment two months ago, and was doing well. I had 45 days of no gambling. Obviously, I have since relapsed. I'm terrified of myself, of the destruction I can wreak. I am ruining my life.

My parents were holding onto the money I had left as a favour to me, just to create another step before I could spend anything. Recently, I lied and told them I was doing well, no gambling, and had installed BetBlocker. So I asked them to transfer me the last couple thousand they were holding onto, and they did. I paid my rent for this month, then lost the rest. Most recently, I was up almost $8000 less than 24 hours ago, but I lost it all and more. I spent my rent money for next month, my tuition money (monthly payments), and I now don't know how I will get to my school to defend my thesis next week. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I have no idea what to do next. I am currently working 30 hours a week for minimum wage, so will be able to pay rent in January, but my tuition is definitely going unpaid, which means I can't graduate. I am feeling flabbergasted that I couldn't hold onto my latest win, that $8000 wasn't enough.

I feel hopeless, and like human garbage. I have lied and manipulated people after I promised I was getting better. My credit is ruined, and I don't think I have much of a future anymore.

Welcome to the forums Nhayw ,

You know the answer to your question of "What's wrong with me ?" You have a gambling addiction .
It doesn't matter how much you were up . The very nature of this disease demands that we continue gambling until there is nothing left to feed the compulsion .

First , sit down and try to center yourself . Hitting rock bottom means the only way left is up .You are going to have to fight your way out of this and for that , you need a solid plan and roadblocks . Next , tell your parents you have relapsed . That is going to be the hardest part but lying to them now is only going to make it far more painful when the truth finally comes out . And I think you know - it will come out .

Don't worry about your credit rating now . Mine recovered just fine and I was in as much debt as you are now . As long as you aren't gambling , all the other stuff is fixable . Fixing it will suck , but it won't kill you . Gambling will destroy you , body and soul .

Reach out to someone in real life and admit that you need help . This isn't simply a bad habit or poor life choices . It's a disease and it's a bad one .

Your not alone. I lost so much in 1 month I cannot comprehend...almost 2 years of my salary for absolute crap...online sports betting and casino of all things, not even physical/real cards. I cant say anything to help, just that I hear you and your not alone. My self worth and how I lied and tricked my entire family is eating at my soul, yey I continued to keep betting...until today. The amount you lost isnt chump change, but coming here, posting, not going back will save a lot more in the long run. I am making one last vow to stop....if i dont I am never getting out of this insanity. Please remember me and stay away a few days, come and post again.

nhayw wrote:I am feeling flabbergasted that I couldn't hold onto my latest win, that $8000 wasn't enough.

No win is ever big enough for the compulsive gambler to stop betting. Get to a GA meeting in your area ASAP.