So much has happened, but gambling has me very tired..

Here's an update:

Due to gambling, when I was finishing up my last classes in the summer to get my degree, I was on the verge of being homeless. I was blessed enough to find someone who let me stay in their place for about a month until I finished my degree and got on my feet.

How quick I am to forget my past troubles caused by gambling when it comes to gambling again. Anywho, after finishing my classes, I was fortunate enough to find a housemate for a reasonable price. I was also lucky enough to find a part time job that would allow me to pay for rent at this place with this housemate.

So there I was, working a part time job, telling myself I was done gambling, and moving on to the better things in life. I get my first two paychecks, they weren't a lot, but they were enough to pay the bills I had and have a little left over for myself. Life was actually going pretty decent. I was gamble free for a month, then here came the voices and addiction creeping in. "You need more money." "You need to be able to help those in your family by providing them with nicer things." "You should be able to go out and eat and have fun whenever you want to." "You won't ever be able to live well unless you take some chances." "This paycheck to paycheck living is not meant for you." "You deserve more." "You can find a system to consistently win in baccarat." "All you need is the bankroll." "All you need is to win x amount every day using your system and cash out and you will profit x amount after the year is over."

All these voices (gambling voices, which is really my own voice trying to get me to feed into my addiction) trying to convince me that I should go gamble, and that this time it would be different. It worked for a bit. I won a few days in a row and hit my daily goals. Multiple times I was close to losing everything in my pockets and a lucky bonus bet would save me. I took that as, "Hey my strategy is still working, I am still winning." Then of course, the inevitable losses came. Not only did I lose my winnings, but I lost all my savings from my first two paychecks.

What do I do after that? I told myself I was done, or at least part of me told myself I was done. Then today I got my paycheck and told myself I am not giving another dollar of my hard earned money to the casino. My paychecks aren't much. My highest one day wins at the casino topped all the money I have made from my paychecks put together at my current job, nevertheless, the paychecks have been enough to pay bills. But of course, I took my paycheck and tried to chase my losses but lost it all.

Here I am back at square one. Feeling absolutely terrible. Wishing I could reverse the hands of time so I could decide not to go to the casino. Now, once again, I will have a hard time getting by during these next few weeks until my next paycheck. I am still making irresponsible decisions. It feels like $#%^ losing money from an organization that chose me to work for them and chose to pay me to do what I do. I feel like I am stealing from them. It is horrible.

Not only that, but I am stuck between being desperate to quit, but wanting to win back the money I lost. I just want the money back so I can stay away and continue going how I was going. I am hurting once again.

Can I beat this? Will I ever beat this? Or will I live in a continuous cycle of quitting for periods of time, saving money, then losing it all to the casino, as if I am a worker or a "go fetch my money and bring it back to me" boy for the casino.

Welcome back BBLMB ,

You could be free of this . You could live your life without gambling .

Can I ask you , do you still really believe the BS that goes through your mind when the urge to gamble hits you ? Do you still think that you will be able to quit after winning X number of dollars and then never gamble again ?

I think that until you understand and accept that every "reason" the addiction gives you is just bait for the trap , you will keep getting sucked back in . This thing is lying to you , man .

Winning money seems to be so very important to you . But whatever you win , you are gambling away and then losing even more to try and get it back . Gambling addiction is not about the money . It's about our complete inability to stop gambling whether we win or lose .

Don't fixate on the money . Fixate on the lying voice that you have power to say NO to .

One month is great - You made it that far , you can do it again .

You can beat this addiction. Stay strong.

its all about the money - money chasing losses / money that is keep us from coming back

forget about the money. think of you dont need it.

i relapse big time last week compared to the previous this time it is much eaiser i have no real urges to gamble. i’m fine-tuning what i have left of no longer counting days of gamble free and not pressuring myself with all the expenses.

Consider that even if you did win your money back, your desire to gamble would not stop.
As long as you gamble, win or lose, it is inevitable that you will end up where you are now or even worse. The only answer is to quit. If you can't see that, then you are only fooling yourself.
If you really want to stop forever, start by going to a GA meeting.

What 58 says is true and we can only see that after we have gained some clarity in our lives.

BadluckLeavesMeBroke wrote:I just want the money back so I can stay away and continue going how I was going.

I think this is a major delusion that many of us have when we are gambling. We think that once we get our money back, we can just walk away from gambling. Unfortunately, the cycle of gambling is not a financial problem (even though we think it is), but it is rather a emotional dependency on the effect it gives us (the thrill, the escape, the dreams, the temporary happiness, etc). The only way to get past it is: Acceptance. Very easy to say but very hard to do. If we don't fixate on those losses, you find that you don't have as much drive to gamble.