Introduction - Want to be happy again

Hello community,

I have been a long time lurker around here (year +), and have finally found the courage to post my story in the hopes that it will help to keep me accountable. First of all, I would like to thank all of the active members on this site who are here to offer an ear, support and encouragement for anyone who is dealing with this dreadful addiction.

My gambling journey started 3 summers ago when my boyfriend and some of his co-workers decided to go to a casino for some after work drinks. Soon after, we would go once a month, and I would be so nervous that my stomach would churn and I'd have adrenaline rushing the entire time I remember being very nervous when my boyfriend upped his bet from $0.40 per spin to $0.80, and if we lost $40 in one visit, I'd be so upset.

Unfortunately about two years ago I hit a jackpot of over $20k, and that is when things spiraled out of control very quickly for me. After a large win like that, nothing ever seemed large enough for me. I am at a point that if I'm not betting at least $4/spin, I don't feel any "excitement" at all. No matter how much I win, it is never enough. I have spent at least 5 times the amount of my jackpot win, in hopes of hitting something large like that again, but we all know how that goes......

I am currently in massive amounts of line of credit and credit card debt, and my boyfriend does not know the exact amount. I told him that my debt is about half of the amount that it truly is. Hiding this from him is making me sick to my stomach. I am so sick of going to the casino, lying to everyone and not having any joy in my life. Thankfully I have a good paying job and I can clear my debts in couple of years, however at the moment I just want to stop the madness and get a hold of myself and my life as this is having an adverse affect on my mental health, physical health, financial health and general quality of life.

I have looked into GA and thankfully they have meetings everyday. I also have quite a good counselling coverage through my job, but am not sure that I am brave enough to go to one-on-one counselling. Has anyone tried it? Is it effective? I am at my wits end with this addiction, and if I don't stop I know this will ruin my life more than it already has.

I am sorry about all of the rambling. This post ended up being much longer than I originally anticipated. I just wanted to come and introduce myself. Thank you very much for reading.

L

LBee
So sorry this has afflicted you.

Isn't it strange how we can sense the danger. The indulgence. The risk at the beginning. Before.

Then --- the line is crossed. We've gone to far. We are officially hooked. Hook line and sinker. Entirely consumed and obsessed.

You can even site the moment of the win as a turning point. With any true addiction one of the hallmarks is tolerance. Now, your tolerance had grown and no longer will a smaller bet do it for you. What is the point of betting at those lower levels? Waste of time? Because it will never "get us going" or "feed the chemicals" we are after in our brain.

You'll have to come clean. Part of real recovery will be for those close to you to KNOW. Right now you feel shame. It is natural. To recover none of these things can be left in the shadows -- that is where it will all come back to bring you to your knees again.

TAKE ADVANTAGE of any counseling. TRY to get someone w/ ADDICTION speciality --if possible GAMBLING ADDICITON. I went to psychiatrist, lic. counselor, but did NOT get the real understanding, direction and hope that I found in GA. Try to locate a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. This is where you will gain major care and understanding to combat this illness.

It will take some TIME to get your wits about you. It will be 3 months clean perhaps until you start to feel like yourself gain. Be good to yourself.

Also EXCLUDING from casinos was and IS a huge tool for me. Big step but BIG help in limiting the damage I could continue to unfurl.

Keep posting.

Thank you very much Uskat for taking the time to reply to my post.

I work full-time at my day job, roughly 50 or so hours per week, and even have a part-time job in the evenings and weekends in order to help keep me busy, tired so I don't have the energy to gamble, and to help pay off my debt. But it seems that no matter how much money I make, or how tired I am, I still find the time for destruction. For example, after working my day job, and my evening job until 10:30PM last night, as I was driving home, out of nowhere a thought popped into my head to go to the casino to make a quick few hundred to help pay off some of my cc balance quicker. Needless to say I ended up blowing 2k. At that point, feeling numb, I walked up straight to the security guard and asked about self-exclusion. He called over the security supervisor who was extremely kind, understanding and non-judge-mental. He seemed happy to see me self-exclude. I ended up excluding province-wide, which includes any restaurants, pubs and bars that have VLTs, as well as all the casinos. I opted for the longest allowable time; 5 years. To say that I feel relieved is an understatement! I have been mulling this choice in my head for well over a year. Even though I lost 2k last night for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful about the future.

I will be attending my first GA meeting tonight. I am nervous and excited for the opportunities it might provide me.

Day 1 for me.

L

Welcome to the forum LBGF,

I have gone to GA, group counseling, individual counseling, couples counseling as well as an in-take program, where I was in the gambling addiction program for 3 weeks with very little outside contact.

The response and effectiveness is different for everyone but I have found group support like GA and group counseling the best for people who are starting off. You will get to meet many individuals who are in the same boat and you and also understand what you are going through. They can offer great advice on how to stay gamble free. This forum is also an excellent resource of information and experience, but its quite different to speaking to individuals in person.
Individual counseling is more specialized and focuses on the reasons why you gambled and the irrational thoughts and belief we have. All my counseling can really be summarized in 2 strategies: CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) and Mindfulness (Awareness and staying in the present). Those two things have become immensely important to my recovery now. Of course each therapist is different and may focus on different things.
In extreme cases, in-take programs can be real life changers, but those are quite costly. Fortunately, the province that I live in has a free 3-week program for really sick people like me.

I hope you give therapy and GA a try because you never know that speaks to you the most until you try it.

Welcome LBGF , and well done on taking positive and powerful action against this disease . GA will provide you with support and understanding , from people who have walked in our shoes and are striving to overcome our compulsion to gamble .

You can overcome gambling addiction , there is hope and healing for all of us who are willing to fight for it .

Aries411 is right - as much as we can and will help you here , real life support is a priceless resource . We need every weapon we can find in this battle .

You excluded. What a great gift you gave yourself!
Many mull it over as you did, and then it is finally time. Glad they treated you w/ respect. I haven't heard of many bad experiences. When I excluded I sense they ALL KNEW I was an addict. I believe most of the casino workers know well and good who we are, we "play" the most (I love how they use that word -- more like playing w/ our lives).
You may have the skin crawling, jonesing bad -- but it will subside I promise.
Grab numbers from the GA meeting and CALL! Also use the 1800gambler hot line WHENEVER YOU NEED someone to talk to. Good Resource. Perhaps your own state also has a 1800 number for help. USE these tools. They're there for you.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me.

When I first self-excluded last Monday I did feel small bouts of panic on Tuesday and Wednesday, other than that, I have not had any urges to gamble, which to be honest I find very surprising. But I'll take it! I am however bracing myself for when those urges do come. Coming on here and reading multiple times a day does help.

I have also gone to two separate GA meetings and have met some wonderful individuals. Many of them have been gamble free for years, but them sharing their stories and ways they were able to overcome this addiction was inspiring and supportive for me, and me sharing my recent horror stories served as good reminders for them of how awful gambling can make one feel. It was a mutually beneficial thing.

I know it's only been 8 days, however, since starting active gambling, the longest I have gone without gambling was 14 days so this is great progress for me.

I hope everyone is having a great, gamble free week.

Happy Halloween!

Day 8
L

Well done LBee !

Overcoming this addiction takes a plan and it takes tools . Wishing , hoping and praying that we will stop gambling some day will not make it happen . GA offers invaluable real life support - it is a powerful weapon against this disease .

You will make it to your 1 month milestone and beyond because you have taken action , you have made the decision . Gambling is no longer a part of your life , nor will be again .

Be proud of yourself . You are taking back control of your life . It's a battle , but it's one that you can win . Stay strong !

Thank you so very much NSR.

I have gone to few different GA meetings and I am finding that they are very helpful. This past Saturday I inevitably got urges, was feeling restless. Instead of giving into the BS which my mind was steering me towards, I went in to work, worked all day, caught up on work and went to the GA meeting which helped more than I thought it would with letting the urges pass.

I am so happy to report that today marks 2 weeks of gambling free time for me. This is the longest that I have not gambled since I started 3 years ago.

Wishing everyone 24 hours of GF time!

L

That is a fantastic update . It is hard in the beginning . But our strength to overcome the urge grows with every gamble-free day . Your first month milestone will be here before you know it .

You're doing great !