I just want to kill myself, I really do.

Man man, this feeling I have right now, I wouldn't give it to my worst enemy. My soul is burning, my body is empty..

I am 27 years old and been playing poker for 8 years now. I consider myself as a decent poker player, also people in the poker comunnity have respect for my game. However, Im self destructive. I build up money playing poker, just to blow it off to the pit games. Its a vicious circle. All those long nights of grinding poker was for nothing.

For 8 years I have been playing like almost everyday, and I got nothing to show up for. I have been on this self destructive habit again since 2 months. After I busted my bankroll several times to pit games, I build up a bankroll again to 30k by playing poker. And since 2 months I started to play pit games again. I started to learn baccarat and its a hell of a game. I lost 17k and I got 13k on my account now. I still got money left, but it feels like im broke.

Im just mad at myself, why cant I stick with poker? Why do I blew money to the casino like its nothing? I dont have a decent job, all I have is this poker money. I work for 1k/month jet I blow up 3/4k in one night to the pit games.

I have severe depression and losing makes it only worse. I dont want to gamble ever again, I want to stick with poker, but I just cant forget the amount of money I lost to the casino. How can I forget this? I think about how much hours of playing poker it will take to get me back to 30k. Its a long grind and im tired of this lifestyle... but I have nothing else. All I did was playing poker, I dont know what else to do in this miserable life im living in.

Hi makeitstop
I am really sorry to hear you are feeling like this, i am guessing that your current lifestyle is causing you to have thoughts about killing yourself. This is I am afraid where gambling can lead us, it can take us to some very dark places indeed.
But you have options and choices you can and must make.
I don't know if you have have tried GA? I certainly think you need to start talking to someone so you can get some perspective.
You say you would like to carry on playing poker, I doubt you can carry on doing that.
You need to stop all your gambling, you need to put some space between yourself and your gambling including the poker.
Please keep safe, remember we only walk this way once, have faith in yourself you deserve to live a happy life.

Hello Makeitstop,

I am sure that you have heard that you don't want to make a permanent choice for something that is temporary. Please seek help and try to change your perspective.

I have heard of quite a few people that have done what you did. When you make poker your choice of living it can be a tiring and boring life because to make money in poker, you often have to just grind it out. Play long hours and take advantage of certain situations. With table games, the money is fast and is like a roller coaster. It is the 'thrill' compared to your poker. You asked why can't you just stick to poker... well its because we are emotional beings. Our emotions make us do stupid things and make us deviate from our 'plan'. You seek that excitement and fast paced style from the table games and I am sure you have had a taste of some success at the tables or you wouldn't keep going back.. Perhaps it is a sign that poker is getting boring for you and that you need a change. I have done the poker stint before (not as long as you), but I found that a conventional job so much better. No worries about loss. No stress of the bad beats. Consistent pay. When I was in my late 20 playing poker and gambling quite a bit, my brother who has a disability and who was working at Walmart was making way more money than me.
Gambling is a tough way to make money and way too stressful..

Aries411 wrote: Gambling is a tough way to make money and way too stressful..

Truer words have never been spoken. I got into gambling because a talented card-counter friend of mine told me about the money she and her husband had made at the blackjack tables. I don't doubt her. But I do think that there are a lot of downsides to gambling, even if a person can get into +EV type situation. There are tremendous swings, variance, and that can be nerve-wracking. Also, there are dangers of slipping into pure gambling, as I witnessed this friend of mine doing.

Also I believe that gambling makes a person more aggressive, because it's a zero sum game and all who win are taking from those who lose. I have never met a frequent gambler who felt at peace with himself/herself. It seems to be an activity for those who are sad inside and lacking connection in their lives. I wish all of us here the kind of connection that makes gambling fade far away as anything you would want to do.

I'm right there w/ you and Aries. I had a good run w/ poker but it didn't last and it won't last for you either. When you say that people respect your game it sounds just like me, I played perfectly but sooner or later somebody will get lucky against you and wipe you out. After this happens a bunch of times you'll see that there is no happy ending with any kind of gambling.

It's the same as an alcoholic saying that they're fine w/ vodka but whiskey causes problems. When you are addicted to gambling/alcohol/drugs or anything there is no safe way to continue doing it or using.

As for wanting to kill yourself, welcome to the world of an actively gambling gambling addict. It's a miserable existence that never gets better. Get out now and you'll feel better before you know it.