Struggling mightily

I wanted to post this since I'm feeling so down and sad. I've been battling addiction to gambling for many years now. It's put me in completely horrifying and desperate situations. Lots of hundreds of thousands of dollar, been on the verge of suicide, had crippling debt. I can't even begin to explain the depth of the pain and misery it has caused me. Despite all this, and despite all I know about how going back is not the solution, I cannot stop. I am crippled by this. I have so much in my life to be grateful for and to live for. But I cannot accept the losses and move on. I want the money back and the only way to get it back is to chase and try win. I know this is probably futile, and will only make things worse, but repaying my debts will only be accepting defeat and acknowledging failure. Sure, sure, someone will post here "well only if you continue will you be a failure" but the truth is, that money is long gone and if I don't win it back, it will always feel like I've lost and I'm a failure.

I just wanted to post because recently (past 3 months or so) I've gone back and had some insane highs and lows. The highs are so amazing - like a drug I've never tasted. Winning tens of thousands of dollars. Then the lows - the crushing blows of defeat where it's all gone in an instant. Then the winning back, losing it again, winning it back, losing again, until you keep pushing and pushing to a point where it's all gone and you're feeling sick and disgusted with yourself for the 100th time.

I just feel I have to vent. I'm in GA, have an amazing sponsor and have a life ahead of me (I'm 32) but just can't get up every day and life my life knowing what a piece of $#%^ I am and the mistakes I've made. I'm just so broken and really just needed to get this out there. People around me who have encouraged me, been by my side, all think I'm clean and doing well and often ask "so it must feel nice having more money now! It must feel great having that monkey off your back and being clean". I feel like a total liar. But the truth is if I confided in them, it would break them. I've broken and disappointed them too many times. I cannot tell them. I have my sponsor to confide in and that has to be enough right now.

I can't shake the feeling of self-loathing, hate, disgust with all the money I've squandered and harm I've caused myself. Yet all I can obsess about it is winning it all back. What a sickness. God help me.

Please look at upper left corner of screen "User Control Panel" and you will see (1 new message). Click on that and read the PM I sent you earlier.

Thanks,
realityhere
(moderator)

I'm glad you've reached out.
The hooks are in you. This is a vicious, relentless addiction that loves us to "hide".
SO glad you've got a sponsor you are being honest with.

The self loathing will only ease when you've gotten some distance from the gamble.

We ALL won. We just didn't stop. Once I saw this I realized I was in a futile position. There really is no point if I just want to go back again and again.

The roller coaster had figuratively killed me and I wanted off bad enough to get deep into GA. After 90 -120 days clean I could finally think and get perspective on wtf was going on.

You have to stop hiding your addiction. Please get to meetings. As you know, the money lost is gone. Gone forever. Consider that it burnt up in a bin in the backyard never to be seen again. It will take time to get over this, but you will. Your life is MORE valuable. Your time is MORE valuable. No uhauls or safes being lugged into heaven so start today.

Meetings, Meetings, addiction recovery work, exclude from casinos, have other monitor your $, do things for others, volunteer to help, spend time with and ON family, try to keep occupied in things --- in 3 to 4 months you'll be able to see things more clearly.

The best to you in this fight. Please do fight. It will be worth it.