Degenerates like me don't deserve to live

Hi everyone. First time poster, long time lurker, etc

I apologize for the foul language in advance.

I just feel so sick, disgusted, and ashamed I just want to sleep forever and never wake up. Why would a person feel like this? Maybe relapsing for like the 50th time like the dumb ###$ that I am. I don't know what to do right now I just need to write this ###$ before I really just might end it all.

I just slept for like 36 hours straight and right before I fell asleep, all I thought about was all the bad luck and wrong decisions I made. During my sleep, same thing. After I wake up, what a surprise, same goddamn thoughts. I am still thinking about the ######6 casino as I am typing this.

I've had some severe gambling problems in the past, but I've been able to quit and been able to somewhat get my life back on track. I have never gone to GA or received any professional help for my problem. One day I just went cold turkey and managed to do it really well. That was about 6 years ago and now, for the past year I've been doing some small $50-100 betting on sports online per month without ever raging and trying to chase if I lose. I really did gamble recreationally for the first time.

Didn't last long though. I did my usual $50 per month deposit last weekend but for some sick reason, I decided to plop it on blackjack instead of betting on a game which I originally intended.
Started out with $10 bets and in about 50 mins or so I was at $600. I've never done drugs (except weed) but I will say the high you get at that moment is like a heroin or crack fiend getting their fix after being sober for so long.

I immediately cashed out $500 knowing how lucky I got and how long it would take me to win that much betting sports. Well, that night I couldn't go to sleep (of course), so I decide to log on and play a little. Lose the $100 almost immediately, I cancel my withdrawal request, and just go at it starting at two $25 hands at blackjack. I played for probably about 6-7 hours and my lowest point was at $75 but ended the session at $2800.

Feeling like God and a baller, I cashed out all $2800 and booked a couple nights at *mod edit*. It's scary how you can go right back to the degenerate you swore you would never become again without any notice.

As I have said, didn't take long. I lost the $2800 on the first night and proceeded to lose another $3k in my checking account (overdraft) and another $1600 from my credit card, something I promised myself I would never ever do again. Now I will probably have to borrow or come clean or some $#%^ and I just don't want to deal with it anymore, especially after letting others down over and over.

This is about as rock bottom as it gets - alone, broke, hopeless, and suicidal. I must have told myself at least a thousand times while playing "Dude, stop. Why are you doing this? Don't you remember last time?" but my actions didn't give a flying ###$. It was either get even or go broke. This is the one addiction that ###$ me up so much and yet I keep letting this happen. How the ###$ am I supposed to go to work after this? I'm about done with my pathetic low life ass that can't even control himself.

To anyone who's thinking about gambling again, do it only if you want to feel like I am right now.

Everyone on this forum has been, or is where you are right now.

We all suffer through the same self defeat and same emotional turmoil.

What some of us can tell you is that it does get better but you need to stop.

My advice: Do not give up on yourself.

Dont try take on all your problems right now, just focus on going 1 day without gambling then go 1 week. As time goes on your problems will become managable, but you have to give yourself time away from gambling.

Stay strong, and if possible seek help from someone you can talk to

Hi RB and welcome, i am sure too that everyone on here can recognise the pain and hurt, the self loathing the utter desperation and even the suicidal thoughts that you are experiencing, i know i can. But you have to stop hating yourself, accept it is what it is, but tomorrow can be better because you have stopped gambling. I also would advise getting some help, GA or something similar, it's very true that a problem shared is a problem halved. Take care and believe in yourself

I hope to see you post very soon, people need to know you're okay. I also hope that you stay mad, anger can be a very helpful tool in recovering.

Thanks for your reply guys,

it's been a very difficult and depressing couple days but I've been able to slowly forgive myself. Still not easy completely forgetting about it but when the tempting thoughts come back, I just tell the voice to go f yourself.

It has been comforting to finally write my thoughts down for the first time to remind myself of the dangers of this habit. Also the community and support here has been amazing.

Thanks again guys and hopefully we will all fight through this struggle once and for all.

Welcome back, now get to a GA meeting!!!!!

Hey man!

Nah we've all been there and done that, too many times!

That's gambling and that's the addiction. A gambler can not stop or control it. Maybe for short term yes, but that will never ever last. The bomb will always go off. Bomb as on lose big and everything you have access to. Time and time again.

What goes up, ALWAYS comes down.

You're only human. God bless my brother. Re-set, start again and give it your all.

I am, and so can you.


Peace. May god, literally bless you.


Amen.