Partner of a GA

Hi everyone,

I have been coming on to this forum for quite awhile now but this is my first post.

I'm in a relationship with a gambling addict and I'm at the point now where I am trying to get help wherever I can. I feel like my relationship with him has come to an end. I am deeply saddened and I feel grief for the happy times that seem to slipping away so quickly and easily.

We have been together for two years and our relationship has not been a typical one due to my partner's addiction. I feel I have done everything I possibly can to help and support him. He does incredibly well sometimes but other times he is manipulative and angry and I can tell he is more focused on gambling than he is on recovery. Unfortunately I feel I have done a lot to enable him. At the time I thought I was helping but I now see that I probably wasn't.

I won't go into all the details because it would take too long but basically when we got together I was aware of his addiction and I was under the impression he was clean. He relapsed four times in the space of a couple of months and then he sort of hit rock bottom. He was then clean for seven months and I really thought that we had seen the last of his gambling. We were a relatively normal couple. We had a lot of fights about money due to the amount of debt his gambling had incurred but besides that we were happy and enjoying life. That all came to a stop last July. Since then he has not been able to go more than 30 days without gambling.

I have stuck in it because I love him so much and I see so much potential in him. I see how it kills him and how upset he gets when he slips. Everyone has turned his back on him and it's not in my nature to do that. I can't just see someone I love hurting and not do anything, it goes against who I am. But now I feel I have to do it in order to take care of myself.

This past week has been hell. He has morphed into his addict self. One who steals, lies, manipulates, is abusive. For our whole relationship we shared a bank account under my name and he hasn't had access to the account since July. He can look at it whenever he wants and I transfer money to him when he needs it but he doesn't have anymore access than that. It's the only way we can afford to live and make sure our money goes towards what it is meant to. This week he has made his own bank account and behind my back asked his work to pay his wages into his own account from now on. He got paid and gambled it straight away and then sold some items to get more money. Which left me to pay the rent and bills with little money I had left in the account now leaving me with $4 until the end of this month when I get paid. He's refusing to close his bank account or to get his wages paid back into my account which in my gut tells me that he is on on a downward spiral. He won't listen to anyone, he won't talk to me properly, he isn't being reasonable or rational.

I don't know why I am posting really. I just needed to vent in a place where someone might understand me! Or him!! I am in $57,000 worth of debt due to bailing him out time and time again. Stupid I know but at the time I helped someone I loved and I was blind to it all. I thought I was doing something good.

I am so frustrated because it just seems like he doesn't want to recover. He tries for a couple of days and then he gets lazy and after a few weeks we are back to square one. Then the whole cycle starts again.

My heart is broken. He is a man that I am deeply in love with and who I have looked after and tried to build a happy life with. For a long time now it hasn't been just me and him in this relationship, it's been me him and his addiction. I think I need to get out because I don't know anymore if he is fully committed to recovery. I didn't want to admit that to myself but I am starting to believe that is the truth.

Sorry for the length. I just needed to get that out

Welcome to the forum,

I am sorry to hear about your stiuation, but I have learned over the years that self-care needs to be near the top of your list in terms of priorities. It does sound like he is in a downward spiral and that he is not ready for recovery. He still 'wants' to gamble and will do anything for it. The addiction is causing him to try to keep his money in a separate account so that he can gamble and he is probably looking for anyway to get money at this time. The only way to start the path of recovery is for him to WANT to quit. Often it would have to be him hitting rock bottom and being forced into recovery doesn't have much success because he will still find a way to gamble. The love you have him is refreshing and I wish more people were like you but being with a gambler in early recovery can be very hard. We lie, yell, hide money and some will steal and sell things. The co-dependency is VERY unhealthy for you and you need to be concerned about yourself he most. If you decide to leave, hopefully it will be a wake up call for him to turn his life around...

If your heart is set on helping him and staying with him, you will need a support group. I would recomend GAMANON or a gambling therapist. You will need him to self-exclude from his betting sites and casinos. You will have to also control his finances... no matter what he says. He cannot control his money at this point. No bank account, no credit cards, no cash. Having access to money is probably the biggest trigger to most gamblers. Also, he would benefit from GA meetings...
He will probably not want to do any of these things, but they are often necessary for recovery.

Hi gfcj. Gambling addiction is really hard not only for us, but our family too. Parents and my girlfriend tried to take care of my debt. When i saw that my credits are gone, first thing that i did - went to a casino. I was gambling 3x times faster, cause i thought "hey, they will help me again". Sad, but it's true. Taking care of gambling addict debt is not an option, believe me. Tell him about Gambling Anonymous and for you, find a Gam-Anon group near you, it's for family members.

You're doing exactly what you should be doing. I was enabled for so long and it really prolonged my gambling. If my wife would have given me the ultimatum that I had to self-exclude and give up access to money it would have saved me so much money.

It seems like this will play out one of two ways- either he respects your opinion and he self-excludes and gives up his private account or you'll leave him. Either way you'll be helping him in the long run. If he quits now it will save your relationship and if he lets you leave he'll just bottom out sooner which will hopefully lead to him quitting. The sad thing is that you might lose somebody you care about because he cares more about gambling than you.

Welcome gfcj ,

I am sorry you are in this situation . Please look into Gam-Anon . You will find a wealth of support and information from people who are going through the same things you are .

There is always hope . The man you love is battling an addiction and he needs help . The hardest part is that you will have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot save him if he will not try to save himself . He's not a bad person . He's a good person with a bad disease .

Please step back from the situation and realize that it is beyond your ability to fix this for him . As the others have said , bailing him out is only enabling him to continue to gamble . You can be there for him when he needs to talk , but if he cannot or will not stop gambling , the addiction will only get worse as time goes by . And if you don't protect yourself , it will take you down with him .

I wish both of you the best .