*URGENT* I need advice

I want to start with a thank you in advance to anyone taking the time to read this. So, thank you.

Now, I am not the one who is gambling but I am a very desperate partner to someone who is. I will try and make this as short as possible.
Me and my partner have now been together for 2.5 yeas and have a beautiful 18 month old son. At the beginning of the relationship it was no secret my partner enjoyed putting the odd bet on here and there and I had no problem with that. Then when our son was no more than a month old he managed to win roughly around £5000 on two seperate bets in the space of two days. I won't lie it was kind of wonderful because it had just come in time for Christmas and it meant we could insure our son truly went without and I even got things that I had only ever dreamed on owning. But only within reason, I didn't go and get a LV or Gucci handbag because I was trying to stress to my partner how much we would benifit from saving as much as we could however before I knew it he was telling me it was all gone...on Christmas yes but the rest on useless stuff and more bets! I thought he had learnt his lesson though when he realised what we were now going to have to start saving our pennies again for a deposit which could of come so easily. Quite some months past and as far as I was aware he was still putting on bets but only every couple of weeks at the weekends for a bit of fun and as a fool I trusted that. Until...it stared to come apparent that he was struggling for money earlier in the month than he should of been and then my money from a savings jar (for my sisters 18th birthday) disappeared. At first I thought it was his brother because he is known for stealing but when I mentioned it my partner confessed he had taken it because he didn't have enough money to pay his Mum our £400 rent. He tried telling me that EE had scammed him out of money for his phone bill but deep down I knew that wasn't the whole truth so I started digging amd I checked his bank statements (which conveniently had never been opened). And it soon became apparent that for months my partner had been throwing away £100's each month on betting sites mainly but also some small portion on buying stuff for pretend betting games too. I had it out with him and I was quite ruthless because it wasn't just me who was suffering but our son too was going without because I didn't always have enough after my bills and food shopping to buy him luxeries. It was quite likely the wrong approach but I was hurting and I was angry, I told him if he didn't take steps to address his addiction and to get better that he would lose not only me but his son too because I would not have my son around someone who could put false hopes of MAYBE winning big (and throwing away £1000's) over their child! He listened and acted. He removed his accounts directly through the helplines or whatever so the were permanently removed. Now for some time things were going well and he was not betting...We were able to do a bit more as a family and enjoy more luxeries and he even paid for the hotel I was saving for, for my sister's 18th. I did offer to him that if he ever wanted to put a bet on that we would do it together and it was never to be anymore than £20 a month but he never did and he seemed happy to not be participating in betting anymore. That was atleast until boxing day last year when he came to me and told me he had put a bet on. Now don't get me wrong I was over the moon that he had come straight to me and told me and I reassured him I had no problem with it and that I was glad he was honest with me, he showed me his account limits etc. and all was good and we agreed I would be kept in the loop and I was. Now in February we moved, finally got our own place as a family. But inbetween we were living seperatly but seeing each other pretty much daily during this time he once again put on a bet and won, around £260 something. He told me he withdrew the main amount and left some in there to cover him for a little while, which I witnessed him do. He then however, once I had left his grandparents used it on the slot machines instead and he got lucky and won a little over £2500. A lump some paid our upfront rent and we bought new home bits too like a wardrobe as we didn't have one and a few other home bits as certain things we didn't own as we had been living with his mother. So I suppose once again it worked out just right and as far as I was aware my partner had it under control and was being open with me with every transaction, every bet. But now he has lost control again I recently started to notice odd behaviour, he would shield his phone or laptop from me at first I just thought it could of just been coincidence because he could of just been holding them in an odd position but I should of known better than that. My gut knew better than that.
On easter weekend just passed his father very Suprisingly blessed us with £1800 from one of his pentions as a family treat so we could use it towards a few family trips or some towards our very own first couple holiday abroad together. Me and my partner agreed I'd finally let him by himself a new TV (because up until now he had been doing so well and he was being an amazing partner and father) and that the rest would go towards a couple of holidays but that no less than £1200 of it should be put into my cash builder account for safe keeping until we decided on a holiday. But he insisted all would be okay and that he could trust me, that there was no chance he would ruin this. That same day he won just over £200 so we were £2000 up. £300 since went on a new TV which meant there should of still be a spare £1700 in his account. Some has gone on food, tobacco etc. But there should still be no less than £1550 in the account. I check today and there is only £1240. Turns out soon after pay day he had got down to -£250 from over spending so some money had covered for that. That money would of been a big portion to our planned trip to Norfolk in the summer. So furious I did more digging today...since January he has thrown away £1240 behind my back on betting sights. That alone would of been a holiday for us all.
I am so hurt, heart broken even. I know it is an addiction, a disorder but with how much we had been able to have as a family and how good things had been it hurts to know that he would rather put roughly £400 a month on bets then treat his family, his son! Part of me wants to pack mine and my boys stuff and be gone by the time he gets home because that is what I practically promised the first time around. But at the same time I blame myself for maybe being too soft inbetween? But right now as I am writing this I have his online banking open and all I want to do it transfer the ramaining £1200 with no regrets, wait until he is home, with my stuff packed ready. Not to leave as soon as he gets here but to atleast have a back up for if he dares to turn it around on me when we talk about it. But this time he is done with it all, the sites are ready to be taken down with all his details all that is left to do is to click 'confirm' but I want him to do that himself, in front of me! Once that is done I want to track down our closest support group for him to attend to get this fixed once and for all before he throws everything away. Because I do love him. I know he loves us but sadly, this illness, this addiction has been stronger but that needs to end!
I just guess I need to know if it would be wrong of me to take control this way? Minus the money that needs to be transferred otherwise he may just throw away any hope we have of any future happiness because if he is left with that and he blew it in other ways I would never forgive him or myself.

Thanks for reading x

Welcome to the forum AimieLou,

Once in awhile we get messages like yours and it reminds us gamblers of the lives that we have affected. Thank you for the reminder. Taking control of the finances is a good thing, but it really has to start with your partner wanting to stop the gambling. If he doesn't want to, he will unfortuantely find ways to gamble (borrow money, take a line of credit, steal, sell things). Closing accounts and self-exclusion for sites are good, but unfortunately, there are so many online sites he can join. I have opened and closed so many account that I lost track over the years. I would recommend stopping it right at the source by taking over the finances and limiting his access to money. I have not carried cash, or a debit card in the last 4 years. I have one credit card that my wife watches like a hawk. This has been my saving grace in terms of my recovery. If he is willing to stop the gambling (and wants to abstain from gambling forever), then I would suggest attending GA sessions to help him learn more about this illness and how to deal with it. Trying to minimize the gambling is not an option right now. He has an illness and needs to stop.
Your reaction of anger is a natrual one and I was amazed that you were able to realize the illness aspect of it. None of us wanted this addiction and we simply had an adverse effect to the gambling (it provided us with something our life was lacking). Many people will blame the gambler and get angry at them and never get past the anger, but I applaud you for seeing beyong the illness.
I hope you continue to post your questions and concerns and you will get a lot of support from this forum!

Welcome to the forum, Aimie Lou. I am very sorry that you are going through the stress of being in a relationship with a compulsive gambler.

I think that you and your husband could benefit from couples counseling with a skilled counselor. I also agree with Aries 411. No one can stop a gambler who is not ready to stop. If your partner is ready to stop, he will give control over the money to you. Total control. If he is unwilling to do that, he likely is not ready to stop. Also, people who are serious about stopping gambling attend GA. If he makes excuses to not go to meetings, he is likely not ready to stop gambling.

I wish you peace and serenity. I hope that your partner is ready to work on abstinence. If he isn't, then I would get out of the relationship like I was fleeing a burning building.

GA will help him a lot. He's got to hear from other people with the same problem that he can regain some normalcy in his life and get past this. When I still gambled I don't think I would have taken too kindly to somebody self-excluding me online but now I realize it would have been helpful. Just do your best to support him and make attending GA meetings mandatory for him.

Be prepared though, he's going to lie and then he'll lie some more. It's not entirely his fault though, the addiction makes him do it. But when he tells you in the most convincing way possible you should be very suspicious because he is probably planning on gambling sometime soon.

buster1969 wrote:Be prepared though, he's going to lie and then he'll lie some more. It's not entirely his fault though, the addiction makes him do it.

Very true. In the cycle of gambling, telling a lie is so convient for us and we don't think about the consequences. We do what we can to continue gambilng. We sometimes will tell 'half truth', like showing you accounts that we are playing with, but also have hidden accounts which you are unaware of. Gambling thrives in secrecy so full disclosure of accounts is neccessary for accountability.
There is also a group called gamanon which is for family members who are affected by the gambler. They can also give you support if you need it.

I was such a good liar when I gambled that it scares me to think of it. I could look right into my wife's face and say "I'm just going out to meet friends and I will not gamble, in fact I don't even want to gamble". And all the while I'm saying that I was thinking about getting a room in AC and how much money I was going to win. I had the cash in my pocket, there was nothing that could stop me.