New Member.....not sure how this happened

Hello everyone. I believe I may have a gambling addiction. About 7 months ago my friend and I randomly decided to check out the local casino together. This was only the second time I ever step foot in a casino. The first time was in my early 20s when patrons could still smoke inside so I was completely turned off. This second trip was different. We played a few slots. Learned how to play blackjack. And ate a pretty tasty dinner. I spent a total of $75. We had fun and then we left...simply as that.
A few days later I had a urge to go back. This time I came with a colorful cheat sheet on basis blackjack strategy so other players wouldn't get irritated with me lol. I played for a few hours and than decided to go grocery shopping instead. As I was walking out this colorful screen on a slot machine caught my attention. I stopped and put $20 inside....didn't even sit down....just stood there and hit the button a few times. Out of nowhere, the machine went crazy.....I just won the grand jackpot of $10,000!!!!!
I am sure you all can imagine what happened next....over the next 190 days and gambled 150 days. Sometimes over 12-18 hours at a time. I even called out sick for work (which I NEVER do) to spend the day gambling alone. One time I was so focused on blackjack I didn't want to get up to use the bathroom. I kept holding and holding....finally I literally had to run to the bathroom to go. Shameful, the semi peed myself. I normal person would of left. I just wrapped my jacket around my waist and continue to play for another 5 hours. Absolute insanity!! I lost $59,000 plus another $36,000 of jackpots I won totaling $95,000. WTF!!! I don't understand what happened. I had SO many opportunities to walk away with a good deal of money but I kept thinking, "I know I can get a little more....one more hand, one more spin"..than I would walk out empty handed with my heart and soul dragging on the floor behind me.
Last week I had to come clean about my gambling issues to my husband. He was very disappointed but mostly worried about our financial future. We cried and yelled and hugged and laughed. We put together a plan. That was 4 days ago. I am 4 days gamble free. (Min by min) Today he left for a business trip. I do not want to go back but I can't stop thinking about it. The noises from my favorite slots are playing in my head. I don't understand what is going on or what I should do. I went to a AA meeting tonight which helped for a little but now at 12:20am I am feeling weaker than ever. Ugh.....this sucks. I can't believe I found myself in this same boat.....twice!!!! Anyways, thanks for listening and thanks for letting me share!!

Hello again....since posting my first post a lot has happened. I made it one week without gambling....one of the hardest things I ever did. Unfortunately, I ruined it by thinking I am not a gambling addict and tried to do some "controlled gambling". I sword I would only spend 30O on blackjack. Well, I did really good and turned that 300 into 3400 within a few hours of playing. I stopped, colored up, and walked away from the tables with my chips. Turned in my chips, got my cash and started to walk toward the exit. But I couldn't....I stopped at one slot machine and you know exactly what happened. Many hours later I crawled out the that hell hole without a single dollar. I not only lost my winnings but also an additional 4500 in cash advances on my credit card. I made 6 atms trips and called my bank 4 times to increase my ATM withdrawal limit.
The only positive thing I did was walk up to the security desk and tell them I want(NEED) to self exclude. Some manager walked me to the back area, we talked and I filled out a bunch of paperwork. Got my picture taken and then was escorted off the casino property. I am now banned for life from my favorite/hated casino. I also drove to neighboring states and self excluded. I can no longer gamble in 3 different states! Honestly, I am a little sad but extremely relieved.

Welcome to the forum Rachel,

That is great news that you self-excluded. Self-exclusion is a powerful tool because it closes the door on the idea that you can go back there to gamble. Well I guess you can if you want, but it is worth it to get arrested?! Perhaps you might want to try to attend a GA meeting to learn more about this illness. You have taken a huge step in arresting your gambling, but you want to build on your recovery and not just depend on the self-exclusion. We need support and also need to change our way of thinking, which is much harder. We need to learn how to properly deal with the urges and how to see the loss for what it is... something that we can never get back (and definitely not by gambling!). I hope you continue to post your success and struggles. We are all here to help each other out

Posting here certainly helps me and I'm closing in on 3.5 years w/o gambling after ten years of gambling pretty much every dollar I made.

One thing to think about if you try to go back to the casinos you're excluded from is that you'll probably be able to get away with gambling there. But that will only last as long as you're losing, as soon as you win they'll have you arrested and will be able to legally keep the money you won. So winning is no longer an option so you'd be really, really, REALLY stupid to go back and gamble.

I'd also recommend GA meetings, you'll start to feel better about yourself which will make your recovery much better.

Hi ..I have recently come clean to my husband ....He is trying to be supportive but it has put a tremendous financial strain on our marriage...and I'm still having anxiety over the amounts as I'm trying to pay down debts. How did your Husband take the news of you going back to the casino?

traced wrote:Hi ..I have recently come clean to my husband ....He is trying to be supportive but it has put a tremendous financial strain on our marriage...and I'm still having anxiety over the amounts as I'm trying to pay down debts. How did your Husband take the news of you going back to the casino?

I'm sure it's not what you mean but it sounds like you're saying that telling your husband is what caused the financial strain. In reality it will be what eases your strain since you're dealing with the gambling problem together now.

No I def didn't mean that's what caused our financial strain...MY gambling caused that. In most aspects it is good everything is in the open it had to come out. The aftermath of debt and the deceit coming to light has put a tremendous strain on our relationship we have been married 30 yrs and I betrayed his trust. I was just wondering how her husband reacted to her relapse.

He assumed I was going to gamble a bit before I self excluded however, he didn't realize I would go full tilt....I didn't realize it either until it happened....it was like my rational mind took a nap while the addictive mind ran the show. Ugh.....he technically doesn't know the exact dollar amount I lost this last time yet. He didn't ask so I didn't say......that's kind of honest..???? I will tell him soon though. I'm pretty savvy with moving money around different financial accounts. It may take him a bit to firgure it out. As I am typing this it is very clear to me that I need to change my thinking patterns. This is crazy!!!