not a matter of will I

I am just sat here wondering if I will ever gamble again. But I have realised its not a matter of will I, but rather, can I? The answer is a resounding NO! Like all of you on here I know no restraint, I do not have a switch off button, I have no sense and no insight into my gambling when I am in the midst of it. I do miss it I really do, which is ridiculous it really is, but I may miss it but I certainly don't need it and that is what I tell myself every day. Even at 264 days GF these thoughts enter my mind. But I can feel it slipping away, being taken out to sea, just a little tiny bit of me wants to bring it back, but I won't because I can't.

I can't believe you still miss it. You miss just staring at your phone and letting your emotions be ruled by what some spinning wheels come up as? You miss that sinking feeling in your stomach when you've lost it all and there isn't another dollar to risk?

As soon as you started up again you'd miss being able to sleep at night, spending time with family and not having to lie all the time.

Buster as usual you are 100% right, I only miss the highs of winning, but I do remind myself about the lows of losing and self loathing and that is what is keeping me away. I just felt as if today I was really letting it go, letting all the losses all the time wasted all the associated horrors, I feel like they have been sent out to sea and I have walked away. I don't want that part of my life back but I was just trying to understand why I suddenly had these thoughts?

gran wrote:Buster as usual you are 100% right, I only miss the highs of winning, but I do remind myself about the lows of losing and self loathing and that is what is keeping me away. I just felt as if today I was really letting it go, letting all the losses all the time wasted all the associated horrors, I feel like they have been sent out to sea and I have walked away. I don't want that part of my life back but I was just trying to understand why I suddenly had these thoughts?

I think if we knew why everybody could do the same thing and easily quit. I wish I could bottle my feelings from November 25, 2013 and pass it on to others but I've never been able to figure out what was different about that day.

I also get what you're saying about letting go of the losses. For years I didn't self-exclude because that meant I'd never get my money back. In my mind it was reasonable to think that I'd someday win back the hundreds of thousands I'd lost. Once I gave up that hope I was much happier. The one thing I did to justify it was convince myself that I gave gambling a shot. I gave it a shot and I lost (like almost everybody) and I realized there's no shame in that. I pray that more and more people will learn to feel the same way and beat our horrible disease.

Hey Gran,
I too also miss it.... well actually I don't think 'miss' is the right choice of words. Perhpaps it is better to say that there still is an attraction to it. The attraction to the false sense of thrill I get from the bet and the excitement. Do I need that thril or excitement? No I certainly don't and my awareness of my thoughts makes sure I don't fall into that trap. Because I still have this connection/attraction to gambling, there will always be a chance that I go back to it. I have thought about it for the past few months and even talked about it to my coucillor, but have yet to come up with a solution to get rid of this attration. The question I asked my coucillor was: How do I unlike something I like, for example volleyball. I love the soport of Volleyball and get a great joy from it. How could I unlike volleyball by just changing my persepective of it? I don't know if I could...

Yes Aries I know exactly how you feel, yes miss is not the right word, maybe its more like a nightmare that we can't quite forget but no matter how horrible we keep revisiting it, keep reliving it. But perhaps this actually strengthens our resolve, it does for me. I can't unlike the nice bits but I can carry on hating the horrible bits.

Happy bean wrote that it was nice to dance with the devil, I know exactly what he meant, but right now I am happy to sit this one out and be a wall flower.

Hey Gran: The thing I like about your post is that it is an honest one; even after over 8 months being gambling free, you still think about the attraction of gambling......I myself have not gambled for 2 months now, but every day, at some point, my thoughts still go back to the gambling venue ....
but I seem to have grown stronger because I am able to keep myself from yielding to the thought or urge these days.....I think the thing to remember is that it will probably always be there; the thought of going back or doing a little "harmless" gambling .....I have to say that by coming to this forum has helped me to be stronger and reading about others' stories reminds me to just stay away.....

Maybe it helps me that I immediately fast forward past the things I liked about gambling right to the reality of what will happen if I do gamble. Sure it'd be nice to sit a a poker table and lose myself in the game for a few hours and take down a couple big pots. What wouldn't be nice is not being able to leave the casino for a day or two and going on tilt and losing my entire savings because I was pissed off.

I have written on here about this before, but I can tell you what has changed my mind, hopefully for the rest of my life. If we think about what gambling actually is, it is a bunch of people pooling their money, and then some ("lucky" ones?) get to take back more than what they put in. Other folks will get back less than what they put in. And over time, virtually all who keep participating will get back less than what they put in. Yet the casino owner/bookie gets to make a living at it. Who are the suckers? Me and everyone who gambles, trying to take money off of our fellows. I now see it is as such a desperate thing with negative ethical implications.

I understand that urge to escape, which comes over me at times, too. I do miss those trips to the casino, when I left my home and my cares behind, driving in the open countryside, anticipating walking into the gambling environment. I miss the anticipation more than the actual act of gambling. I also miss the social aspect of the energetic environment, and music playing the hits of the day, overhead. But the gambling part was personally degrading, when I think about how I really felt when doing it.

I wish everyone on this thread peace, and rational thinking about gambling. You are all beautiful as you are. You don't need to define yourself with "wins" when you are already a winner.