not a matter of will I

Thanks guys you all make sense, I have realised that ruminating over what has been done is not really a good idea. I have tried to change my thinking about this. It is ridiculous to think of "good" times when gambling because there really isn't anything good about this addiction. I was maudlin yesterday because it was this time of year that I slipped into the nightmare. I just have to accept that I can't change the past but I can have control over the future and that is a future of not gambling.

Humans are wired to only remember the good times, and we intentionally block out the feelings of being hurt, guilt, sadness, despair. We only remember the gambling highs, our wins, the lights the music and the show they put on. This is the reason why I kept a note on how I exactly felt after a gambling lost. On the note it said : I'll just copy and paste here, Sorry for the grammar.

I played for 12 straight hours, i was only planning on $40. I lost it in 10 minutes, I went to the ATM pulled out 200, lost that. Why did I even come here, Now I just want my money back. Pull out 300, lost that. I maxed out my debit card 1, so I pull 500 from other ATM card. Around hour 11 with only 100 left. I am feeling so pissed and disgusted with myself, I just lost over 900. Everyone around me and myself look like drones, I bet they lost a chunk too. Had I just gone out with friends today I would of had a much time, and wouldn't spend this much. Now I'm desperate, I just want my money back, I played the last 100 hoping I can win my money back. It didn't happen, I walked out as always smiled to the security guard, didn't want him to know I lost, deep down I'm digusted with myself. I got in the car banged on steering wheel yelling Why, why, why. I wish this was a dream, and I can be at home, and not at the casino. I'm mad at myself, for not being able to control my urges. So stupid for coming here.

Went to sleep, woke up, still thinking about the loss. Lost over a grand, that is a lot of money. So stupid. Day 2 and I'm thinking about the money I gambled, I could have done so much with that money. Day 3 still thinking about it, if only I didn't go.
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I'm sure you can relate to that note. Now do you miss it?

Prologx! Substitute casino for online slots and this was me. Exactly as you describe it, in all it's awful depressing cycle of doom. Do I miss it? No I do not. Thanks for that very insightful post.

What you described is drugs, and that's what it is ...

You got drugs injected into yourself - pulling them out is not easy ... but try to treat your feelings (as well as the "miss it" feeling) as drugs and then you will get a clearer picture of what's really going on with you.