Highway to Hell

Hello, PsychForums members.

This is my first time posting here, although I have been lurking around the forum reading other people stories. I dont neccessarily think that my case is worse than the others but if I continue I know for a fact that this addiction will consume me.

It all started when I was 12 or 13, I was at my cousins summer house and his older brother decided to teach us poker, we were just playing for Play money and as far as I could tell , I enjoyed it. 10 years later im throwing dollar bills at casinos like there not even my own. What's even more crazy is that I have been up and down thousands of dollars (+/- 5k) and never even pressed the withdrawal button!!!.

Yes, thats the crazy part, I dont want to withdraw money that I won because ethically I feel that its not mine and that I took it in an illegitimate way . So what do I do with it? gamble more.

So my problem is multi-layered, The first is that I keep gambling away money that my parents worked hard on. The second is that even if I won a huge sum, I could never spend this money on myself, I think the fact that I have never spent this money on myself is saving me from a bigger curse. I am big believier in Energy and that humans can affect each others with their thoughts and beliefs , and I always wonder what if I took this guys mortgage payment at poker? He might not say it / show it, but hatred is there.

And thats how I feel, there is just so much greed between gamblers and when the greed fails, envy and hatred arises . Its a deadly cycle to be in, I just cant believe how normalized and 'fun' gambling is shown on TV while no one sees this huge monster behind the curtain.

There are no GA meetings in my country or any local telephone line that I can call for help, Thank god i am not in debt but like I said, This $#%^ takes over you so I dont know what can happen tomorrow, next month or even a year later. I swear I literally took my credit card, deposited and it felt like it wasnt me, like i had no control, like a demon took over me and did this all by himself.


Any help would be appreciated, Thank you.

Welcome Alex ,

There is a lot of good information in the Strategies thread , so if you haven't checked it out , I recommend it .

This addiction does indeed take over our lives . You made a good first step by coming here . Post anytime you need support . We've all been through this and you're not alone .

Welcome Alex,

One point that you said, made me think a bit...

AlexHam wrote:I dont want to withdraw money that I won because ethically I feel that its not mine and that I took it in an illegitimate way .

I found it a bit odd because if that was the case, then what was your reason to place the bet in the first place? Of course it could be used as an escape or enteratinment, but if you really feel that you are taking other people's money, why do it? Perhaps you might want to think about what does gambling provide you? This might help shed some light on your addiction. For me, it was initally money, but then I realized it was the challenge and the analysis of the games. I needed to find other outlets to meet these needs and definitely gambling was not the best way to do it. Understand ourselves and making changes to ourselves is what recovery is all about. Abstinence is one part of it, but it is not the same as recovery. Please keep on posting and I hope to read your future posts

Thank you both for the support. NewSunRising, I have read your strategies thread and picked up good info, over the past few months I have also read alot of your posts, and what your doing here is an angel's work.

Aries411, I have seen alot of people here talk about their reasons and I have to say that alot of it sounds like the addiction speaking, heck the addiction's voice is so loud that it will find any excuse/ rationalization to keep you gambling. ( child hood issues, mental ilness, stress, relationships) and so on, but while those issues are very real, sometimes the addict will use them as chushon because he/she is too afraid to face up to the real devil which is gambling.


One of the reasons I gamble, is based on the lie that all gamblers believe, first that there is some 'skill' factor involved and in my head ( like everybody else i supposed) I thought that i would 'outskill' everyone. Secondly, I became emotionally vested on outcomes and clicks on a computer screen that I have no control of. So it was more about How can I loose? than How much I lost?


It feels so good to blow some steam off, my mind has been a minefield in the past few months.

AlexHam wrote:
Yes, that's the crazy part, I dont want to withdraw money that I won because ethically I feel that its not mine and that I took it in an illegitimate way . So what do I do with it? gamble more.

. . . I am big believer in Energy and that humans can affect each others with their thoughts and beliefs , and I always wonder what if I took this guys mortgage payment at poker? He might not say it / show it, but hatred is there.

And thats how I feel, there is just so much greed between gamblers and when the greed fails, envy and hatred arises . Its a deadly cycle to be in, I just cant believe how normalized and 'fun' gambling is shown on TV while no one sees this huge monster behind the curtain.

Thanks so much for your post, Alex. I truly feel inside that I will never gamble again. I know we in recovery are not supposed to say "never." But because of the ethical issues (you raise these) which I have considered, I do not want to be involved in this. If I win, whose money am I taking? Another gambler's money. Another desperate person's money. Gross. I am not that broke or anguished that I have to do this kind of theft. You are right that gambling is now presented in society as acceptable, when in fact it is a time waster as well as a form of greedy grasping. I prefer to give gifts to my friends instead of gamble.

Hello PsychForums Members, I just wanted to update everyone since alot of people write threads but rarely follow up on progress.

I have been gambling free for almost a year now, I can tell you that I have never felt better about myself and all the bitterness , rage and sadness that I remember quite well consuming my whole life at that time is gone. and to all that are reading this, I want you to know that I know it's hard.

I have been addicted to several drugs and tobacco in my life, but I guarantee you that gambling addiction is atleast 10x worse. There is nothing more sinister than gambling addiction because it shows no physical symptoms,it can be hidden to all those who care about you and it allows you to believe that you're going to get back the high the first time you had that huge win.

So please, know that your not alone and that the struggle is real, I sometimes have flash backs and I literally burst into tears knowing that their are others who are feeling that way right now.

With all this in mind here are the steps I took to stop gambling:

• I accepted that the money I lost was gone. ( This one is the first yet most difficult step)

• I deleted all my browsing history, and set up k9 on all my computing devices.

• I stopped watching anything related to gambling, from youtube poker to football to anything that can trigger that little voice in my head.

• I dropped all the ‘gambling’ friends and associates.

• I kept the memory of loosing it all and feeling suicidal very vivid. To the point that whenever I would think of gambling my body would freeze from the sheer agony of going back there again. ( Time heals but you have to make sure you remember the pain gambling has caused you.

• Another thing I did is take a vacation to a rural area and go offline for a couple of months ( this is especially important at the first couple of months)

These steps helped me alot in my personal recovery and hope they help you too. You are strong, you can do it.

Good post alexham, thank you for sharing and welcome to this forum where great mind think alike

Hi Alex: Thanks for this great post. I have to admit I like these kinds of posts more than the others that speak of desperation, loss, and misery. It means a lot to have people like you tell their stories of success in beating this "thing". It shows that it can definitely be done, as long as one has the determination and resolve. Please stay healthy and gambling free for always and I think your life will be a lot happier yet,

Thank you for such an inspiring and motivating post Alex .

The road to recovery is not an easy one but as your post proves , it leads to freedom from addiction , and a life we all deserve .

Please come back and post for your one year milestone celebration ! I've got a cake in the oven for you ...