Ashamed of relapse

It would be easy for me to just keep it to myself, but I need some kind of accountability, so I will let on here that I relapsed yesterday. I went to a card club because I was bored and lost a big amount of money. I wanted to win a "little" money but I ended up losing about 6 hands in a row, increasing my bets as I went along. I felt bad and so empty afterward. What's worse is that when I woke up this morning, I was thinking I could get some more money and win it back. I have not done that yet, but it's so symptomatic for me to think that way. Now, all I can think about is what a waste of money that I could've used for better things in life. Guilt and shame is miserable.

Im sorry to hear about the relapse 58. Thank you for posting this because it is a constant reminder how strong this disease is and that it can happen to the best of us. In your little set back, I am sure it will open the eyes of many on this forum, including mine. The thought of winning it back is common as we all know, but it important to not let it become a full blown relapse. My first relapse was full blown where I lost over $10K, and my second one was more of a blip where I lost $20. I learned just as much from both and I hope you learn more about yourself with this set back. We are all behind you and with you on this journey!

I know how you feel..I'm not off the treadmill..I lost 2500 at the new casino in our hometown..went online to try and win it back..Did win it back..(little voice says see gambling does help)...so I proceeded to see if I could win more to help with my mountain of hidden debt. ..hubby knows none of this. I lost 1000 left to reverse.. then started chasing now I'm down the 2500 plus another 800 ....it sucks. Like you I still have the urge to keep trying. ..I feel like crap. I know I need to stop but I just can't seem to get there. ....I just can't tell my hubby after my 1st confession...and I just want to get rid of the extra debt I've accumalted so he doesn't know the extent of my deception. I can leave land based casinos alone but the online has now got me but good.

Thanks for your supportive replies. I will continue to fight. Every day without gambling is a victory.
Hard to stop thinking about it though.

Traced: I sincerely hope you quit gambling online. That is one thing I have never and will never do.
I don't trust online websites. They can be rigged even worse than land based casinos. Think about it;
if you created an online casino, wouldn't you have direct control over the gambling games? A lot of the gambling sites I see usually advertise "free" games. I would guess you'd do a lot of winning for "free"....but once you start playing for real money, watch out!

I'm sorry to hear that 58gambling ,

Boredom is a huge trigger . That's why , for me , my lists were so important . Things to Do instead of Gambling was taped to my refrigerator for months .

I also found it helpful to take a hard , uncomfortable look at my actual assets / debt figures every morning . Waking up to see : Assets - $120.00 / Debt - $ 30,000.00 was like a bucket of cold water in my face . That little dose of reality tended to stay with me for most of the day .

Traced ,

You need to make a plan . You need to tell someone , if not your husband . This disease thrives in the dark . Keeping it hidden is almost like giving yourself permission to relapse . Believe me , as unpleasant as it is to admit that you are out of control with gambling , once you come clean there will be a huge weight lifted from your shoulders .

I've passed 2 years of recovery now. Twice year I take a business trip to a city up north . There's a casino there that I used to gamble in . Every single time my plane lands in that city , the urges flare up and this is what they say : " You could gamble while you're here . No one has to know..."

That " our little secret" mentality keep me trapped in my addiction for over 7 years . Fight back ! Drag it out into the open . As painful as that is going to be , it will be far less painful than when your husband discovers that you have a serious problem and thousands of dollars in gambling debt that you have been hiding from him .

I'm sorry for your relapse. I know exactly how it feels. My relapse couple of weeks ago still haunts me and the guilt and shame I am feeling is horrendous. I let go about money issues but the fact that I gave in again is remorseful. Hang on, I know it's rough but I guess as long as we wake up & still feel our hearts beating, there's still hope & a purpose to live and make our lives better than how it was yesterday.

This sucks. How long had you gone since gambling?

NewSunRising wrote: " You could gamble while you're here . No one has to know..."

I always thought that this thought was the most dangerous. Of course, we then say to ourselves that "we will know!", but we re-rationalize to ourselves that "meh.. Im ok with it. I'll just play for an hour" and that's when the troubles begin. Its hard to fight an addiction where our mind is constantly working against us.

While your pain is still fresh, write exactly how you feel after this relapse. Start with the first thought of wanting to place a bet that day, any thoughts of trying to back out but you ignored it. Finish off with the losses, and PAIN you felt and how you did so well for xxx days. I would put this message into a text where you text yourself so you will always have this with you on your phone wherever you go. Promise yourself the next time you think about placing a bet you must read your message you wrote for yourself. Hurt and pain are both things we try to forget it's human nature. Our goal here is never forget it, this way the next time your bored a year from now, your messenge will remind you of how you will feel after you LOSE and RELAPSED.

I have my note, and my spreadsheet of my win and losses. It surprises me every time I view the spreadsheet, as we tend to remember the wins but hardly the losses, the spreadsheet will remind you that. 1 out of 15 trips is a win, and the 16, if not the 17 trip I have huge losses that will eat up all the wins from the 15th, and then some. For the next 15 trips are losses. It's crazy what this disease does to ourselves. Give it 3-6 months and i will forget my losses and only remember my wins, this is why I keep my spreadsheet to remind myself of my own stupidity.

58 a relapse is just that! It doesn't negate the GF days you already had. Pick yourself up brush yourself off and get right back on that waggon. Carry on up the GF road you were on, I wish you strength x